Sighing, I pulled my hand from his to rub both of mine over my face. “It’s not a no. It’s just a ‘not right now.’ My life has belonged to others since the moment I was born. For the first time in my life, I’m faced with the opportunity to spread my wings and do what I want. I would like to enjoy that newfound freedom before committing the rest of my life to being a mother.”
“So, what you’re saying is . . . I still have a chance at being an older dad.”
His joking lightened the mood of this serious conversation, and I laughed. “I live to serve.” Preston’s laughter joined mine,and when we calmed down, I couldn’t help but ask, “So, you’re not mad?”
I watched his hand twitch, wondering if he wanted to grab mine again. I wouldn't stop him if that’s what he wanted, but I could tell he was debating in his mind on how best to proceed with physical contact. I couldn’t blame him.
Softly, he said, “I’m not mad, Luce.” There was that nickname again. “We are just starting to get to know each other; jumping right into having kids would be madness. You’re building this incredible business, and I can’t wait to see how it grows when you can finally give it the attention it deserves.”
Okay, he was being a little too nice to me, and I didn’t know what to do with it. If I didn’t get into my room quickly, he might see me cry, and I wasn’t ready to be that vulnerable with him yet.
Pretending to yawn, I lamely excused myself. “I’m tired, so I think I’ll head to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow, Preston.”
“Until tomorrow, Lucy.”
“Will you tell me about how you ended up at Desire?” We were eating dinner alone in my Milan apartment, and his question shocked me so much that I almost choked on a mouthful of food.
“Excuse me?” I sputtered after hastily swallowing.
“Would it make you feel more comfortable if I answered the same question first?” he offered.
Was this actually happening? We’d been in Milan a month now, and somehow, we managed to ignore the elephant in the room. Was I fooling myself to think we would never discuss our shared private interests? We were going to be married; wecouldn’t sweep our secret desires—our secret selves—beneath the rug forever.
Steeling myself for probably our most uncomfortable conversation yet, I nodded. “Yes, please.”
Setting his fork down, he paused for a moment. “There was always something deep within me that craved control. I couldn’t explain it. When I got older, I met a girl who liked role-play. It was innocent enough, but I got into it. Like, really into it, to the point where I craved that dynamic every time we hooked up. She just wanted to have fun now and again to spice things up, so we parted ways, but she suggested I take a further look into the BDSM community. I brushed her off because I wasn’t into the idea of beating women. She explained it was much more than that, and if I did my research, I might find the sexual gratification I was searching for. So, I did. And I discovered this whole world that allowed me the control that I craved with willing partners in a fulfilling way for all involved. I joined as a member at Desire and never looked back.”
He’d shared his personal journey, but I knew it would be difficult for me, so I teased, “So you’re not into impact play, but the hair-pulling is right up your alley?”
Preston laughed heartily. “What can I say? I thoroughly enjoy a good hair-pulling. Always have.” He emphasized that last part with a wink, and I felt heat rising to my cheeks.
Oh, boy. We were in dangerous territory now, discussing the club and our preferences regarding sex.
“How about you?” he prodded. Preston had been gracious in offering his journey first, but now it was my turn.
Chewing on my lower lip, I gathered the courage to tell the tale of my self-discovery. Taking a deep breath, I began, “I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that there’s always someone watching me. And I don’t mean Myles.”
Bowing his head slightly, he acknowledged the reality of my fishbowl existence. “I’ve had a taste of that myself these past few months, and it’s overwhelming, to say the least.”
Preston validating my feelings gave me the strength to continue. “Beyond the press, we live in a world where everyone has a camera in their back pocket. Having sex with anyone had the potential to leave me vulnerable. I wasn’t sure who I could trust not to secretly film me in a compromising position or even to sell a story about their sordid affair with the princess.”
“Trust is a gift, but it’s hard-won and easily broken.” Preston’s words were quiet, and they hit home. We both knew he’d broken mine.
Swallowing, I forced myself to push on with my story. “So, one day, I thought, there has to be a way to lose my virginity discreetly. That was the day I found out the internet had a wealth of information on the topic if you knew how to look for it.”
Processing my words, he asked in disbelief, “You lost your virginity at Desire?”
“Yes,” I confirmed.
“Jesus. How old were you?”
From his reaction so far, I knew my answer would shock him, but I was done hiding. “Nineteen.”
“Fucking hell.” He dragged a hand across the dark shadow of a beard along his jaw.
“I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d been a member for a long time.”
Preston’s eyes widened in shock. “Wait. Are you saying you’ve never had a sexual encounter outside the club?”
