“But another part of you is thinking maybe it ain’t so bad?”
“Exactly.”
When she speaks again, her voice is gentle as if she’s afraid she’ll spook me. “Honey, this is something you gotta decide for yourself. I can sit here and tell you how amazing and terrible my marriage to your father was, and Paige could do the same. So could your daddy. But this is your decision to make, and that can only happen if you’re honest with yourself. What are you so scared of?”
I stare at Ashton as he happily pushes a car across the deck without a care in the world. As much as I wish my mom would tell me what to do, I know she’s right. Swallowing hard, I let out a breath.
“I’m scared if we do get married, it’ll go back to how it was. We’ll get complacent, and things will go to shit again. I can’t keep running to make things better. And I love you, but I don’t wanna end up like you and Daddy.”
“I don’t want that for you, either, honey. But I truly believe you and Holden can make it, and even if things go sour, you’ve proved long ago that you can stand on your own two feet.”
“Yeah, with Daddy frontin’ my lifestyle.” I sigh and slump in my seat. “I… I guess I got some thinking to do.”
“Yes, you do. Now, tell me the plans for Ashton’s birthday this year. I wanna try to come for it.”
I snort quietly and admit I’ve not even begun to plan the party. My life has been too hectic lately, and it’s only just now started to settle again. Thankfully, she makes suggestions that I hurry to type into a note on my phone. The call comes to a natural end only twenty minutes later, and I set my phone on the table and stretch.
Ashton approaches on quick feet, grinning up at me, and I run a hand over his hair warmed by the sun. An all-consuming burst of pride blossoms beneath my ribs. The one thing I have never doubted—not even for a second—is that he’s worth everything I have ever gone through. The sleepless nights and endless days, high fevers and snotty nose… Ashton is worth all of it. And he’s mine.
When I wake Friday morning, it’s to the sound of a toddler crying and calling my name. I rush out of bed before Holden can do so much as open his eyes. Hurrying across the hall to Ashton’s bedroom, I freeze at the door. Bile creeps up my throat at the sight and smell, but I swallow it down and cross the room to his bedside.
“Hey, baby, it’s okay. Auntie Dee is here.”
“I sick,” he whimpers, holding up filthy hands so I can see.
“I know, honey, I know. And I’m sure it scared you. Let’s get you cleaned up, okay?”
As much as I would rather not, I lift him into my arms and carry him to the bathroom. Ashton sniffles as I strip his soiled clothes off of him, and I press my lips to his warm forehead. I smile as comfortingly as I can, but he doesn’t smile back.
“Bath time for sick little boys.”
All he does is nod and raise a hand to scrub at his eyes. I tug his fist away, more harshly than I intend, and his lower lip wobbles. Whispering an apology, I hold him close and reach for the tap. He sighs heavily, the sour odor of vomit stifling the air between us, and my stomach gives a violent churn.
“What happened?” a voice sounds from the doorway a few minutes later.
I glance up from where I sit in the water-filled tub, Ashton clinging tightly to me. “He threw up,” I tell Holden, “and now he’s doing his best impression of a Vizsla. You know, those big clingy dogs.”
“You’re—”
“Dressed? Yeah, I know. As I said, Vizsla. He wouldn’t let me not hold him.”
“’Den, I sick,” Ashton announces, and Holden smiles gently.
“I see that, bud. I know you probably feel really bad right now, but why don’t we let Auntie Dealla go take her own shower, though? She has work.”
“I was gonna call off,” I say quietly.
Holden frowns, a darkness in his gray eyes. “I can take care of him.”
“I—Holden, I know this. I trust that you can. He’s sick, though. I hate being away from him when he feels like this. Tara will understand.”
“If you really want to, go ahead. I can’t stop you.”
Something in Holden’s expression tells me he isn’t quite so reassured by my statement. My gut lurches sharply, and I swallow down another refusal to go to work. It’s time I show him the faith I’m claiming to have in him. Kissing Ashton’s damp hair, I carefully pry the toddler’s arms from around my neck and set him on his feet.
“Be good for Holden, okay? Auntie Dee will be back home as soon as she can.”
He whines but lets Holden take over clean-up duty. I hesitate for a second, just long enough to watch Ashton trying to climb up Holden’s torso, then I head to the other bathroom for a shower. Once I’m certain the stench of vomit is off my skin, I dress quickly and brush her hair and teeth. I kiss my boys goodbye then head to work.
