“Of course not. You know I’m awful with secrets.”
Holden nods and pinches my side lightly. “Yeah, you’re probably worse than Ash when it comes to keeping secrets.”
“That’s not true! You’re being incredibly rude, sir.”
But I’m laughing, a lightweight warmth filling my bones. He smirks at having lifted my spirits, and I don’t even mind the smug gloating. Not when he seems so peaceful, so happy, to be here with me.
As I gaze at him, I watch the amusement fade from his face. Something in his expression shifts, turns more serious, and my heart races as I try to figure out what he could possibly be thinking. Fear coats my tongue and floods my chest, acidic and harsh, and my breathing grows harder to control.
“Do…” He clears his throat and gathers my hand in his. “Do you want to get married?”
The world stands still. His words reach me through the vast distance, muddled by the blood roaring in my ears. I think I’ve misheard him. I must have, because he can’t have asked—
“What?”
“Marriage. What’s your opinion on it?”
“I—I don’t—what?” My brain catches up and registers what he’s saying, and I push away. “Are you asking me to marry you?”
“No. I mean, I guess I kinda am? But for the future. I’m not saying we need to run off to the nearest chapel. I just… I wanted to figure out where we were headed.”
“Holden.” I cover my face with a hand, aching when he doesn’t reach for me again. “I love you, no matter what. Isn’t that enough?”
“I want marriage,” he whispers, and my heart breaks.
With burning eyes, I meet his gaze and plead for him to understand: “I watched my parents’ marriages fail. I—I don’t want to experience the same thing.”
“I know, sweetheart. I understand. But marriage is important to me.” Holden shakes his head, looking away. “I don’t want to lose you, but… Dealla, I can’t just accept I’m not going to get it.”
“So what does this mean?”
“It means we should figure something out, or…”
He trails off, but he doesn’t need to speak the words. Doesn’t need to put them out there for me to hear. I already comprehend the implication fully: If we don’t agree on something as large and life-changing as marriage, then what’s the point in staying together? It would be best if we split up permanently before the relationship goes on any longer.
I swallow thickly, and my voice trembles as I ask, “What about kids? Are those nonnegotiable, too?”
“That isn’t as much of a, well, deal-breaker. I’d like to have children one day, but it isn’t a requirement. What about you?”
“I used to want them,” I say with a shrug. “In an abstract way, anyway. But then Katie had Ashton. He became my whole world, and… I dunno, I just saw what pregnancy actually did to her body and mental health. I was forced to be a mother before I was ready.”
Holden nods slowly, and I blow out a breath, hesitating before moving closer. Thankfully, he accepts my affection, no sign of annoyance in the way he allows me to cling to him. I hope he understands my misgivings about marriage has little to do with my trust in him. That it has everything to do with the fact it isn’t something I ever allowed herself to want.
But as I lie here, pressed comfortably to his side, I decide to finally let myself consider the possibility, the potential.
After all, would it really be so bad to be his wife?
“He wants to get married.”
My mom stops speaking mid-sentence. The silence echoes damningly down the line, and I press my phone more closely to my ear. I keep my gaze on Ashton as he plays in the evening sun, and a wince crosses my face when I tear the skin of my chapped bottom lip with a fingernail. Then my mother clears her throat.
“He proposed?”
“Not exactly.” I sigh and let my hand fall to her lap. “We had a talk the other night, and he said he wants marriage and stuff.”
“And what doyouwant?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I’m confused, Mom. I mean, a part of me is saying no, never happening, why can’t he be happy with our relationship as it is.”
