We head up to her room, and true to her word, she’s got an impressive stash of Italian crisps, biscuits and cans of pop. We crawl into bed like we’re sixteen again, feet tucked under the covers as we break out the snacks.
‘Right, okay,’ she says, once we’re sitting comfortably. ‘Talk to me.’
So I do. I spill everything – how Brody and I were pretending, from the very beginning. That it was all meant to be just this little game, a little petty revenge, and that I didn’t think it would matter, but of course, it did. I tell her about Nikki and how I had no idea it was her I was talking to when I said those things through the cubicle wall at the wedding. In fact, I’m so relieved when Kelsey mentions that at the time I did tell her I had been talking to a crying girl, but hadn’t seen her face – not that she needed proof to believe me, of course.
‘I was just trying to help,’ I continue. ‘Trying to be honest and helpful… but I just should have kept my mouth shut, minded my own business.’
‘What kind of place would the world be if we didn’t try to make it better?’ Kelsey replies.
‘That would have been so bloody profound if you had said it without the biscuit in your mouth,’ I joke.
She picks up a crisp and throws it at me. I eat it before carrying on.
‘You know, in a weird way, it was my fault Todd dumped me,’ I say. Noticing the look on her face, I try to get to the point much quicker. ‘Not like that. I just mean that when I spoke to Nikki and I told her to dump her boyfriend, to be with someone who makes her happy, I had no idea that someone was Todd. I drove her into his arms. I didn’t just help their relationship come to an end – I was sealing the fate of my own too.’
Kelsey sits up straighter. She dusts herself off, like she can’t make a serious point with biscuit crumbs on her top.
‘Okay, first of all? None of this is your fault. Not one bit,’ she insists.
I let out the huge breath I didn’t realise I was holding.
‘Thanks,’ I reply.
‘I mean it,’ she insists. ‘And the other thing – I’ve known that you and Brody were pretending to be a couple since day one. It was so, so obvious – to me anyway. I’m your best friend, you can’t keep anything from me.’
‘Really?’ I practically squeak.
‘Oh, yeah,’ she says, grabbing another biscuit, almost like she’s earned it.
‘But I thought you said the two of us were clearly in love, or whatever,’ I reply. ‘You said we were great for each other.’
‘Just because I knew you were both pretending to be together doesn’t mean I think you were both pretending to be in love,’ she replies which, again, would have sounded even bigger and more beautiful without the biscuit. ‘You clearly love him,’ she tells me. ‘And he loves you too. Just because the two of you haven’t realised it yet, or just don’t want to admit it, doesn’t change the facts.’
Every time she says the L word I don’t know how to feel. I’m somewhere between wondering whether it’s possible or whether I’ve blown it.
Do I love him? Can I love him yet? I mocked Todd and Nikki for getting so serious so quickly, but – if I’m being really honest with myself – maybe it is just a case of: when you know, you know? I think of Brody’s hands on my body, the way he kisses me like he means it, the way he looks at me, how he always has my back. The way he calms me. The way he makes me laugh when I’m trying to be mad. God. Maybe I do. And if I don’t yet, then maybe I will, if I just let myself.
‘I really hope I haven’t messed up your wedding,’ I say quietly, almost in a whisper.
Kelsey leans her head against mine.
‘All I care about is that you and Brody are there with me,’ she says. ‘I love you both. I just want you guys to be happy.’
‘I want that too,’ I admit.
‘Then tomorrow, we’ll make it right,’ she says gently. ‘Give him a little time and a bit of space. He’ll talk to you when he’s ready, and you’ll smooth it all out, I promise. Talk to him. Tell him everything. It’ll be okay.’
‘Thanks, Kelsey,’ I reply. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you.’
‘You’d be back in Yorkshire, in the rain, miserable,’ she tells me. ‘I hear it’s been pissing it down all week.’
‘Then I guess I’ll be grateful for small mercies,’ I reply.
Small mercies and great friends. That’s a great start.
37
I wake to a gentle shake at my shoulder, a soft but persistent nudge that pulls me from my sleep – well, what little I was getting.
