Tahlen had suddenly been close in front of him, his hands at his sides, his gaze like the fortress they stood in. “You’re not alone. I made this offer because…” Tahlen hadn’t seemed to know what he’d wanted to say and finally finished, “because I admire you,” in a voice without tenderness.
And then, reading Zelli’s thoughts as he always did, Tahlen had bowed his head and murmured, “I’m sorry to have bothered you,” before leaving the room.
Tahlen had not been a besotted would-be lover, Zelli had decided after a sleepless night trying to imagine Tahlen as one. Zelli had seen people in the depths of infatuation before, in the village, among the servants. He had even listened to a visiting cousin describe her affairs with palace guards. Besotted would-be lovers were muchlouderabout any feelings they had, and they certainly did not reluctantly admit to merely admiring someone.
A polite lie anyway, since Tahlen almost certainly did not admire Zelli.
Nothing had changed between them, either, except that Tahlen did not make even light conversation with Zelli these days.
Grandmother had observed the two of them for some time. Zelli had felt her curiosity and disapproval and hadn’t been surprised when she’d finally called him into her room to ask him what he’d done to her favorite guard.
Zelli would have glared at her, but the story had come tumbling out instead. She had listened as his grandmother but also as The Tialttyrin, and discussed it the same way.
“Do you regret the refusal?”
Zelli had not actually refused, he reflected now as he hadn’t then. Tahlen had decided he knew what Zelli was going to say—again. But whatever Zelli might have given him in answer, Tahlen had changed his mind quickly, so it didn’t matter.
Grandmother, who also liked to read things into Zelli’s moments of silence, seemed to think Zelli must have refused over worry about any possible alliances.
“We’re hoping for an alliance, yes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a lover or even a hand-fasting of your own, if you wish it.” Grandmother had tapped Zelli’s cheek. “These things are about appearances, Zelli, and perhaps friendships. Anything else, inside or out of it, is up to you. Your intended could hardly be hurt when they will likely be doing much the same. A few of those I’ve written to are already married, which you know well.” Her teasing manner changed into something shrewder when Zelli met her gaze. “Although… I am not sure you’d be capable of the discretion required to at least pretend to care for another if you had Tahlen for yours.”
“Hand-fasting?” Zelli had repeated with surprise. For state purposes, for a matter of Record, some beat-of-fours had large ceremonial weddings. But everyone else who wished to pledge themselves to someone else had a simple hand-fasting, and not everyone even bothered with that. Zelli hadn’t considered that someone would want that with him. Tahlen surely could not have meant courtship with the hope for an eventual marriage, even if thinking of it in the months since left Zelli with that hollow ache in his chest. Tahlen thought Zelli considered the future too much, butthathad never crossed Zelli’s mind.
“Discretion?” he’d finally asked his grandmother.
She’d made a gently despairingtsksound. “If there was a spouse waiting for you and yet you had declared your feelings to Tahlen, you would have to treat Tahlen differently in public. At least until you’ve discussed it with the other parties involved.”
“Differently?” Zelli had stared without blinking, slow to follow her point. “Myfeelings?”
His heartstillbeat too fast to think of those words.
Grandmother had had long purple-black hair in her youth, but she wore her gray hair short by palace standards, the small braids tucked around her ears for sleep. Her eyes were light brown and stayed that color. But her teeth were as sharp as Zelli’s when she smiled. “Well, I’m not sure about a marriage between you, but there are worse people for you to take as a lover, I am sure. I mean, worse as in their character. Not as in their skills in that area. I have no knowledge of Tahlen Vallithi there, so you may cease your scowling, Mizel.”
“He’s closer to my age than yours!” Zelli had heard himself objecting waspishly, but had tried to compose himself when his grandmother raised her eyebrows. “I know you respect him,” Zelli had begun again, carefully. “I assumed you wanted higher for me. Though I don’t think I will do as well as you hope. I could not even…. I’m not a great beauty or a great talent. I worry. I’m not charming. Tahlen has already forgotten me.”
Grandmother shook her head. “In another, safer time, you would have done extremely well, although perhaps you don’t believe me. You will discover it anyway, eventually. The person who will find you appealing and remarkable as you are would be ideal for a strong, strategic bond. And also, I think, be wise enough to cherish you.”
He could not tell if she had been speaking to cheer him, or if she had meant some other future spouse, or if she had meant Tahlen. Since she had shooed Zelli from her room to let her rest, advising him only to continue being polite to Tahlen and then never raising the subject again, Zelli would never know.
It was something else to worry over in his spare moments, of which there had been few as he had found himself very busy for the past months. He had decided to go through the treasury for a proper inventory, an activity that had taken his energy all day every day for weeks. After that, he would have considered it if he hadn’t been so tired from firing arrow after arrow into straw until his arms felt like mush and he fell asleep the moment he went to bed. He supposed hecouldhave sat down to puzzle over his irritation and uncertainty, but he had histories of the old families to memorize in preparation for the future alliance. Histories he had ignored until every other task had been finished and it was return to his studies or lose himself in dreams of beingcherished.
He didn’t even know what that meant and had no one to ask. Anyway, pondering it had led to him being jolted from his daydreaming more than once by the arrival of Tahlen, sent to bring Zelli to Grandmother for one reason or another, and Zelli staring up at Tahlen with a face as pink as a roughberry.
Zelli had been so preoccupied and exhausted during the ensuing months that it was no wonder his fae problems had disappeared. He should still be tired, especially after a night without sleep, but his spine was straight and his skin tingled as though storm clouds full of lightning were close. He watched Tahlen and was warm even in his fingertips.
If Tahlen truly wanted it, Zelli would not mind being courted by him. Zelli might not personally know about anything about courting, but he had long found Tahlen attractive and Tahlen undoubtedly knew it, if not how often he had been in Zelli’s thoughts when the lust-fevers or other fae problems had him. When Zelli was hot no matter what the weather, and fantasies of tupping, and kisses, took hold of him no matter what he was doing, and he had to hide in his room for a day, sometimes more, it was Tahlen he dreamed of more than any other.
His heart pounded at the idea of Tahlen discovering that. Not with fear, but neither with anticipation, because he didn’t think Tahlen would be pleased. Tahlen did not act as if his heart raced when thinking of Zelli, and he had not looked happy when he’d approached Zelli with courtship on his mind. Or when he saw Zelli, even before the refusal Zelli had not given him. Courting people were supposed to be joyful in the presence of one another.
There were likely others around the holding who regarded Tahlen that way. If Tahlen did desire something more than a friendly alliance with perhaps some bed privileges, he must want that too, that mutual joy. He deserved it, even if he had forgotten Zelli. He deserved lots of things.
A nicer room, with better heat in the winter—though all the guards did. Not to be repairing his own clothes, unless he liked doing that. More time with his sister, and more hand pies, or visits with Grandmother, or whatever else made him smile, which he also did not do enough. As well as a real, proper courtship.
Zelli couldn’t resent Tahlen for briefly thinking he might get that with Zelli and silently wished he had a way to explain that to Tahlen. But even broaching the subject might annoy Tahlen further.
If hewasannoyed. Zelli glanced again to Tahlen, expecting to see his back and finding the side of his face instead, as if Lemon Blossom had changed pace while Zelli had stewed, so Zelli and Tahlen were riding side by side. Zelli looked quickly elsewhere.
Tahlen let out a small exhale.
