‘But you weren’t in love with me,’ I say.
‘Of course I was!’he says.‘And then I got over you.And now I’ve fallen in love with you again.’
‘You have?’I say.
‘Yes!’says Tadhg.
‘Oh,’ I say.‘Same here.’
We look at each other for a second that feels like an eternity, our eyes full of stars.
But this can’t be right.It just can’t.None of it makes sense.I need to bring myself back to earth.I need him to explain.
‘I don’t understand,’ I say.‘That night in Rosie’s flat, you stopped because you knew I liked you and you didn’t want to mess me around.And you and Jess were back together—’
‘But we weren’t!’he says.‘Oh God, it was a mess.Me and Jess were both pissed at Simon’s party the night before, and when I was leaving we were with each other – which was obviously really, really stupid of me but, you know, it happened.It was a drunken kiss.That was all.And then the next day, just before you came over to Rosie’s place, Jess texted me and … well, she obviously thought the kiss meant more than it did.I felt totally shit about it, and I told myself I’d have that awkward conversation with her later.But before I could have it, you arrived and then you and me happened.Or started happening.’
‘Until you stopped it,’ I say.
‘I know I handled it really badly,’ he says.‘I just didn’t think being with you was fair to Jess if she thought we were a couple again.And I didn’t think it was fair to you to go any furtherbefore I talked to Jess and cleared things up.If you and me were going to be together, I wanted it to beperfect.I didn’t want any baggage hanging over it.And I thought you wouldn’t want anything with me if you knew I had, I dunno, unfinished business with Jess.’
‘With all due respect to Jess,’ I say, ‘I would not have given a shit.’
But now I see what he meant that night when he said he was trying to be a gentleman.The words that have been burned into my brain for sixteen years now take on a new meaning.He wanted a clean conscience about Jess.He wanted to be with me without making me an accessory to cheating.Which wasn’t even real cheating, because he and Jess weren’t actually together.Oh, Tadhg.Why didn’t you explain yourself properly?But then I remember I didn’t exactly let him.
‘What I said about your music that night,’ I say, ‘I felt awful the minute I said it.I’m so sorry.I was embarrassed and angry and I turned on you.But I didn’t mean it.And it wasn’t true.It was never true.’
‘It was kind of true,’ says Tadhg.‘That’s why it got to me.’
‘No it wasn’t,’ I say, and I mean it.‘Your music’s always been great.’
‘But you always made it better,’ he says.
It’s all too much to take in.He loved me then.It wasn’t in my head.It still isn’t.
‘That night when you said you knew I had feelings for you,’ I say.‘How long had you known?Did you always know?’
‘No!’says Tadhg.‘I mean, I always hoped you liked me.I kept thinking there was something between us.But I was never sure.Every time I tried to change the mood, you’d say something that made me think we were just friends.Whenever I suggested we stay out late somewhere, you made an excuse to go home.Or you’d, like, tell me to go out with Jess.Do you remember?’
‘I remember,’ I say.‘But I …’ And then I think about it.All the times I insisted on calling it a night.All the times I made such an effort to assure him I didn’t have any designs on him.It never, ever crossed my mind I could have beentoosuccessful.‘Why didn’t you ever say anything?’
‘Why didn’tyou?’he says.‘I didn’t want to make a move unless I knew you felt the same way.It would have messed up our friendship – it would have destroyed the band …’
I can’t believe it.I had always thought that if Tadhg liked me, he would just assume, correctly, that I would like him back.I thought that was how really hot people operated.I had taken for granted that he’d take me for granted.
‘Anyway,’ he says, ‘I couldn’t risk it.I couldn’t risk fucking things up between us.I couldn’t risk losing you altogether.And I liked Jess, that was real, but fuck, Laura, I always liked you more.I just didn’t think you liked me the same way.And then you got back together with Fiachra and that seemed to prove it.’
‘But I didn’t get back with him!’I say.‘Not really.It was a friends-with-benefits thing.To distract me from you and Jess.’
‘Seriously?’ says Tadhg.I nod.He shakes his head in disbelief.‘Well, it distractedme.Or at least it really got to me.The first time I saw the two of you hanging out as a couple I was so jealous of him.It made me realise me how strongly I still felt about you.And once I acknowledged that, I couldn’t keep going out with Jess.It wasn’t fair to her.’
‘So … so that’s why you broke up?’
‘Yeah,’ says Tadhg.‘But as far as I knew you were with Fiachra.And I didn’t think you were into me anyway.’
‘In Rosie’s flat you said you knew I liked you!’
‘Only since the Ball,’ says Tadhg.‘I was with that girl and then I looked up and saw your face, and then you ran out and suddenly I knew.At least I was pretty sure I knew.IhopedI knew.’
