I take a breath, but now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. “I made the same kind of excuses that Griffin did for him. I told myself that he was sick. It was the booze and the pills that made him act that way. Then he met Claudia, and I’ve gotten to watch, up close, him treat a woman with actual affection. But see, now I’m confused, why do I care? I know Griffin doesn’t understand this, and how could he, because I don’t either. Why do I care that Liam comes home after work now, that he doesn’t forget her birthday, or their anniversary? I’m happy with Griffin. This is the life that I want, but I can’t stop asking myself what was wrong with me.”
I’m breathing hard by the time all of that spills out. Fuck, I thought I’d feel better getting all of this out, but I feel raw. My emotions are bleeding all over me, and I’m afraid to look atGriffin, because I don’t know how he will react to what I just admitted.
Without a word, his hand stretches between our chairs, and he takes my hand. It’s better than any words of reassurance he could give me.
The cherry on top, Liam is speechless. I got to say all of the things that have been festering inside of me for years, and he kept his mouth shut. An apology would have been nice, an explanation even better, but for an alternative, this one isn’t the worst.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Griffin - Present
I can’t stop hearingWren say that she thought I would leave her the way that Liam did, and that she thinks there must be something wrong with her. What can I do that I haven’t done in the last ten years to make her feel secure in our marriage? I know that I raised Liam, mostly alone, but that doesn’t mean the things he put her through are a reflection on me. It’s taken me a while to realize that.
Guilty or not, I still need to come up with something to help my wife. We should have tried therapy years ago, but I can’t put all the hopes for our future happiness on it. I’m not a ‘sit around and watch life happen’ kind of man.
I take a page out of Charlie’s book and contemplate life on my back porch with a cup of coffee, minus the cigarette. Marrying her didn’t give her enough assurance. Having four kids didn’t do it. I think Dr. Manning is right about why our life together isn’tsufficient to make her feel safe. It’s hard for her to feel safe when every time Liam needs anything, I jump to help him.
We do need boundaries, but what exactly does that look like when the person we need some separation from lives next door and works with us? How can I create enough distance for Wren to feel solid next to me without losing my son?
I don’t have the answer to that yet, but hopefully I’ll find it at the bottom of this cup of coffee. At least it’s peaceful out here. The only sound is the birds singing and the leaves rustling.
That is, until I hear Liam arguing with someone on the phone over on his porch. I think about letting him know that I’m over here within hearing range, since he can’t see me behind all the large potted plants Wren has back here, but then I start to hear what they’re talking about and I stay quiet. Not very honest, but he’s not being very forthcoming about what is going on with Claudia right now, and I’m not sure who else he would be arguing with.
Boundaries can wait just a little while longer.
The boards creak as he paces. “Claud, you know I want to be with you.”
She sounds farther away than he does, and I realize he’s talking on speaker phone. Not sure why he would do that outside, but I am trying to eavesdrop, so I certainly won’t try to stop him.
“We’ve lived near your family for over nine years. I’ve tried to make it work this whole time. It isn’t because I don’t like them, but it’s weird building a life with the man you love, and his ex-wife is literally always there,” she says.
I’m pissed at myself that I ever pressured Wren to include Claudia more. I’ve said things to her over the years when Wren had plans with only Bess, Hattie, and Harlow. I thought she was leaving Claudia out, but I’m realizing now that she was only matching Claudia.
“You know it isn’t like that with Wren and me. We never should have gotten married in the first place, so you don’t have to worry that I’d ever leave you for her,” Liam tries to pacify her.
As far as getting less mad, that comment didn’t help. He is the one who pushed her into getting married weeks after graduating from high school. I raised my objections then, long before I ever saw her as anything other than my son’s high school girlfriend. He ruined her life for years, all for him to just shrug the whole marriage off as an “oops.”
“You think that’s what I’m worried about? That Wren is going to steal you away?” Claudia laughs. “Not even close. Wren has a deep respect for marriage, so even if, for some reason, she did still have feelings for you, she’d never disrespect me in that way.”
My feelings are softening a little toward Claudia again.
“What is bothering me,” she continues, “is that you don’t seem to have learned from your past. You swore to her that you loved her, and yet you were so easily able to betray her with her best friend. When we first met, you won me over by showing me how contrite you were, and I thought that the fact that they forgave you was proof that you really had made amends.”
“I have. We’re experiencing some rockiness right now, but this is new stuff,” Liam protests.
“It doesn’t seem new,” she replies. “Look, we’re going around in circles. I didn’t say I was opposed to working on us, but I don’t like who you are when you use.”
“Claud, I don’t know what else to do. I’ve just come home from rehab. I’ve been clean for a couple of months now. I know that you’re disappointed that I slipped. Believe me, I’m so pissed off at myself, but I can’t change the past. Not for you, Wren, or me.”
“Are you going to meetings?” she asks.
That’s a question I’ve tried to get him to answer many times, but he evades every attempt. That says everything I need to know.
He groans, and I know that, unlike when I ask, he knows he’s going to have to answer her. “Look, not everyone does well with AA. Recovery isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. I don’t do well with all that sharing of trauma. So my mommy left me, who the fuck cares?”
When she speaks again, I can hear the sadness in her voice. “I care because I hate that you choose to bury your pain rather than deal with it. It doesn’t stay down, and you have never learned how to deal with it. Your coping mechanism can’t be taking it out on Wren. And let me warn you now, if you ever speak to me the way you have her, I won’t hesitate to divorce you either.”
“So I’ll go to meetings. What else do you need from me?” he asks her.
