I head toward the shuttle bus that will take me off the island. I regret not being able to go home and change out of this dress. I should leave it behind with everything else Tobias gave me, but I’m sure he’s out looking for me. He has to be livid. I feel terrible for lying to him and for everything I did. My heart squeezes.
As I walk, the sky darkens, and I know it’s going to rain. That’s fitting. I haven’t stopped crying since I left the food trucks. Since I left my daughter and the man I’m in love with.
The man who now hates me.
My chest aches. My life is so messed up, and it’s all my fault. I never should have come looking for Skyler. I should have just moved on with my life. Now I’ve upset the space-time continuum. I’ve come in contact with people I never should have.
My pace slows as I continue to walk. The shuttle bus station is farther than I thought. The parade must be almost over by now. I wonder if Skyler got upset that I wasn’t there. I can see her little face peering up at me. Will she cry tonight when I’m not there to tuck her in? My arms ache to hold her once more. To tell her everything will be okay. The practical side of me knows she’ll eventually forget me. She’s young. I wonder how long it will take. A sob escapes my throat.
Tobias enters my mind, and I think about how close we got. How kind he treated me and how tender his kisses were. I’ll never see him again, and that rips my heart into a million pieces.
As I walk, I try to think of the good things to come. About what I can do with my life now. But as I try to think of the future, I can’t visualize it. These past few years I’ve lived with one goal. To find my daughter. Now that I’ve done that, I have no goals. I have nothing to look forward to.
I have no family. My parents don’t ever want to see me again. My sister’s still at home, and I’d be too embarrassed to go find her anyway. I was a terrible role model. I don’t want to see her disappointment in me.
I have no job and barely any prospects. No one wants to hire an ex-con. I could probably get another cleaning job, but that’s not high on my bucket list.
I reach into my pocket and pull out the business card that Mackenzie gave me, the one that would get me free online lessons. But I have no home, and no computer. No internet. The card is worthless. I slip it back into my pocket, though, as a keepsake.
A woman, out in her yard, pulls on a garden hose and wraps it around the holder. I’m sure she sees the gathering clouds. She won’t need to water her lawn. She pauses and looks at me. “Are you okay, darlin’?”
I wipe at my face. “I’m fine.” It comes out all funny sounding, and so obviously a lie it’s ridiculous. I’m a snotty, sobby mess.
“Do you need a ride somewhere?” she asks.
“No. Thanks.” I’m okay walking. It feels like penance or something. Like I deserve the blisters I have forming on my heels and the horrible hole I have in my heart.
I continue walking, weaving my way through the neighborhood blocks. The pain on the backs of my heels increases, and I take off my sandals and carry them. I don’t know if that’s any better. The sidewalk has tiny rocks that bite into my feet.
I wonder how long I’ve been walking. I thought the island was small, but it’s either much bigger than I thought, or I took a wrong turn and I’ve gone past the shuttle bus station. What time is it? I left my phone at the gallery and can’t check, but it seems late. Looks like the sun will set soon.
A police car pulls up along side of me and stops. Noah hops out, and my heart stutters. He walks to me, his handcuffs clinking together. “Are you leaving?”
I swallow, and steel myself for whatever is coming. “Are you here to arrest me?”
“No.” He looks down. “Tobias wants to talk.”
I bite my lower lip as emotions close off my throat. He means Tobias wants to yell at me. “I’d rather not talk to Tobias,” I say quietly.
Noah sighs and shoves a hand through his hair. “You don’t have to go back with me. If you want to leave, I’ll take you to the shuttle bus. Do you have money?”
I slip my hand inside my pocket to find the envelope Ellie gave me. I nod, feeling miserable. “Yes.”
“Then I won’t hold you hostage. But just listen to me for a minute. I told him everything, which I’m sure you overheard. Yes, he was angry at first, but I know my brother. He won’t stay mad forever. He hates being lied to, but he’ll get over it. I know he will. He’s changed since meeting you.” Noah shifts his weight, his gaze boring into me. “He loves you.”
More tears slide down my cheeks. “I’m not who he thinks I am.”
“I know. But don’t you think it’s worth giving him a chance to get to know the real you? Don’t you think you can move past this?”
“I’m a terrible person.”
“No, you’re not.” Noah places his hands on his hips. “We all make bad choices. That’s part of life. What matters is not dwelling on them and moving past them. You need to forgive yourself.”
Tobias’s words jump into my mind.
You seem to be really great at beating yourself up for your past mistakes. But I wonder if you’ve ever stopped to consider the value of forgiveness.
“I don’t deserve forgiveness.”
