Aside from that, it was time. How did I know?
Have you ever experienced a time in your life in which you just knew something? You couldn’t explain why you felt that way, but you knew the right thing to do?
I’d had one of those moments. I guess you could say I’d felt the same about getting into a relationship with Kayden in the first place. I’d been right the first time, and lightning would strike twice.
It was time and I would tell Kayden so.
“It’s time,” I said.
He paused before saying, “What do you mean?”
“I’m saying it’s time we stopped hiding. We should stop pretending to be something we’re not and be who we really are.”
“Hold on, you’re not talking about…”
“Yes, Kayden. The next big step. It’s time.”
When I glanced at my boyfriend, I saw fear, but it looked different from the apprehension and hesitation I’d seen before. And I’m not talking about a different shade of fear, exactly. It was like the subject alone had provoked a sense of panic in him.
“We can’t do that,” he said. “Just forget it.”
“Hold on. I don’t get it. Not that long ago, you sounded all hesitant, maybe a bit apprehensive. I thought there was at least some hope. Now you’re saying we can’t do it at all?Never?”
“Bro, don’t you know what would happen if we told the whole world about us and what we’ve been up to?”
“What we’ve been up to specifically is no one’s business. And who said anything about the whole world? I just want to tell the team, the guys that are closest to us.”
“The team might as well be the whole world.”
I understood what he meant. By now, our teammates had become like family, and the rest of the world didn’t matter. Rejection from one teammate would feel like placing an entire continent against us.
But it was time. I knew it, even if Kayden didn’t. If my optimism had to balance his pessimism in our relationship, then so be it.
“But that’s all the reason to be open and honest,” I said. “If they’re like our family, we shouldn’t keep secrets from them.”
“Yes, we should. It’s common sense, if you ask me.”
“How is it common sense?”
“Put it this way: Would you tell your mom and dad about us?”
I hadn’t thought about that, at least not yet. Kayden had come to Canada with me at Christmas and met my parents. Of course, we hadn’t told them the truth. We’d just said we were teammates and slept in different beds. They hadn’t asked questions and had shown no suspicion. In a way, I felt like telling my actual family about us was a different matter altogether. But I could do that too. My folks were conservative but they cared about all people, and I knew in my heart that they would accept us.
“I feel like we’re getting ahead of ourselves here,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean telling our actual families will be different from telling the team. We don’t want to go there. Not yet.”
“Word will get around, don’t you know that?”
“No, it won’t. You know how those guys are. What happens in the locker room stays in the locker room.”
“I don’t think you understand, dude. Telling them could be really dangerous, and there’s no going back.”
Okay, Kayden had said a lot of stupid shit, only I didn’t think he was being ridiculous this time. He actually believed what he was saying, I mean. I didn’t like him putting up walls, but he sounded like he knew what he was talking about.
“I think you’ve got to give the guys more credit than that,” I said. “Haven’t you seen teammate reactions when pro athletes come out?”
