“Even for a hot blonde with the biggest tits in Western New York?”
“Even for a hot blonde with the biggest tits in Western New York. Yes, bro. Seriously.”
He collapsed into the back of the stool, making a frustrated sound, like he’d watched a hockey player try an amazing shot on the net and miss.
I shook my head. My boyfriend seemed to be taking forever in the bathroom. Had he fallen in the toilet, for chrissake?
Anyway, Detenbeck sounded so fucking stupid. The worst part was I would’ve talked just like him only a few months ago. Same ignorance, I mean. Being in a relationship hadn’t caused the change, though. Erik De Ruiter deserved the credit. He’d made me think more rationally and thoughtfully. Before, I would’ve thought Erik’s worldview would turn me into a wimp. Now it just seemed sensible.
But my teammates wouldn’t quit. I knew that. I needed a lifeline and found it when our server brought several plates of wings to the bar. God, the sight made my mouth water.
“You’re nuts, dude,” Ryan said.
“Why?”
He slapped the side of his legs in mock frustration or shock. I didn’t know which.
“Preston, dude, my main man, there’s a hot blonde with an ass that won’t quit, and you’re not going to talk to her? If you don’t, then I will.”
“I hope you can handle being shot down. Wait, what am I saying? Of course you can. You’ve had so much practice at it.”
“Says the guy who’s too chickenshit to talk to a girl heknowshe could land.”
Again, I shrugged instead of getting angry. Erik De Ruiter’s influence striked again. Besides, what the heck could you say to guys like Ryan Detenbeck?
“I’m good. Just eating my wings, thanks,” I said.
“You sure you haven’t gone gay?” I cocked a fist back and didn’t know how it didn’t fly right at Detenbeck’s mouth, but I restrained myself. Erik might’ve adjusted my worldview but I was still human.
“Shit, dude,” he said. “I don’t know when you became so fucking sensitive.”
“The moment I knew we could win a championship. Now, would you shut up and eat your wings already?”
He paused, wearing this look that accused me of being crazy. Then he went back to his own stool.
Erik returned from the bathroom a minute later, and I pretended to not notice him when he slipped back onto his stool. That really sucked, you know. Forget that I wanted to steal as many glances as possible at someone so gorgeous, no matter how many times we’d gone to bed together. He was my guy, andnow I’d pretended he wasn’t. Not that we hadn’t done that all along, but this felt different. For the first time, I felt a sense of shame.
I understood why Erik wanted to tell others so badly. It sucked to keep things quiet. Problem was they would never accept us. I hadn’t been wrong about that. As much as Ryan Detenbeck was an idiot, he was still my teammate, and his opinion offered a preview of what we could expect from the rest of the team.
“I miss anything?” Erik asked.
“Nope. Not a thing.”
Another lie. Perfect. I might not have declared our relationship from the rooftops, but he was still my boyfriend. That meant showing the honesty I would in any other relationship. It also made the feeling of shame Detenbeck provoked in me sting even worse.
As I watched Erik take his customary small bites of his chicken wings, I understood how things would be. We could never tell anyone who we really were. If things stayed that way, could we keep our relationship together forever?
33
ERIK
Sometimes it honestly seemed like Kayden and I never stopped. Between hockey, school, the gym, practice, and most importantly each other, you would think neither of us would have an ounce of remaining energy. Despite it all, I still had Kayden out in the early evening, jogging through the Westside. We started down Baynes, the street that he lived on, and headed south. We turned left at the corner of Lafayette and then took a right onto Putnam Street.
Let me tell you, the Westside was neighborhood to be gay in. When we jogged, I couldn’t help counting the number of Pride flags hanging from people’s houses—and then I lost count. I’d noticed the flags before, but something about seeing them now made me feel good inside.
People can say what they want about the flags, but they offered a sense of reassurance I hadn’t found anywhere else. They told me that living my truth as my authentic self was possible. I didn’t know exactly what my authentic self really was, but it included my life with Kayden. But it wasn’t just the flags. I saw men walking down the street hand-in-hand, living freely the life that I wanted for myself.
The problem was I couldn’t do that unless Kayden was willing to come along for the ride. I knew that he wasn’t ready for that lasagna dinner. I could just tell. But something else had happened. After that visit to Tully’s, he seemed even more guarded. I didn’t know what it was.
