I dare a look at Ryland, who stands next to the orange truck and watches me closely. He holds a knowing look on his face, asilent understanding, as if he grasps how I feel in this moment. This recognition only makes him more appealing to me.
“I’ll see you around,” he says, and I hear a hint of a promise in his voice.
“Come on, Raine!” Mom hollers from inside of the car, and I force myself to slide into the seat and shut the door.
Chapter Seven
Now
Raine
There is a part of my mind that is always preparing for the worst and another part that believes that if I prepare enough for it, the worst won’t happen. That’s what I’m hanging onto for dear life as I sit next to my Papaw, clasping his hand tightly, reminding myself that all of this is, in fact, real. I wish I could summon some comforting words to say to him, but this is one of those moments where I choose to be silent, as no words can express what we’re all feeling deep inside.
Instead, I choose action and squeeze his hand, letting him know that I’m here with him, and lean my head against his shoulder. A deep exhale escapes him, and he sinks further into me. I know it means a lot to him that I’m here. I can see it in his light-blue eyes and feel it in the way he leans back against me. There is comfort in knowing I made it in time to be by his side during all of this.
What I wouldn’t give to have my Mamaw wake up and be back to her normal self. A repeating prayer of healing has been echoing inside my heart since I received the news. She needs a miracle, and I beg God to consider it.
We’ve been sitting in the waiting room for hours. I’ve dozed off a few times because the waiting is agonizing. I honestly don’t know how Papaw is keeping himself together. He is quieter than usual, lost in thought, but he answers questions when asked and has held a few conversations. He amazes me with his strength.
My phone buzzes in my lap, and I peer down to see Samuel’s name on the screen.Crap, I forgot to text him. I’m sure he’s worried despite us breaking up.
Sam
Did you make it safe?
Yes. I’m sorry for not letting you know sooner.
Sam
It’s okay. How is your grandmother?
I’m not sure. We’re waiting for an update from her MRI.
Sam
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Me too.
I watch as the three dots shimmy but I click my phone off and turn it upside down in my lap. Felix Grady takes the seat next to Papaw and is whispering something to him. Olivia and Luke walked outside a few minutes ago, and I wish I went with them.
I look around the room, studying who all is left waiting and only find a few others. My mother and her new husband sit in the back of the room along with my Uncle Jack. I turn when I notice my mother’s face shifting my way. I’m still not sure why she is here. This isn’t her family. I can feel her eyes on me, and itcauses a hot prickle of awareness to take over. My composure is starting to crack, I notice the shaking of my hands intensifying.
I understand that my biggest problem, especially with my mother, is that I haven’t forgotten what happened in the past—the feeling of abandonment, her issue with alcohol, her poor choice in men. No matter how hard I try to forget, the memories and the pain stick with me. This has been my fatal flaw, and I’m not sure how to keep it from becoming my own destruction.
The agony I’m trying to hide between quiet breaths is starting to eat me alive. Being here in this hospital with the unknown status of my Mamaw, facing my mother for the first time afterthatnight, and being around Ryland is all too much.
I shoot up from my seat, and without saying a word or looking at anyone, I beg my feet to move. I push open several doors without thinking of where I am going. I desperately need to put distance between me andthem. My mind is spiraling, the shaking in my hands getting worse, and I know it won’t be much longer until I break. I need a quiet place to let this eruption building inside of meout.
I find a small room with a handful of empty chairs. I rush inside and plant myself into one of the chairs. I’m used to wearing a thousand different faces daily, all to hide my own, but right now, I erase them and allow a tear to run down my cheek.
“God, I’m not ready for this,” I whisper, allowing the pain to swallow me whole.
I sit here in this tiny room and come undone. I’m not sure how much time passes. I don’t care, in all honesty. It feels good to be alone, to allow my true feelings to escape just for a little bit before I have to return the fake mask I plaster onto my face when I’m around others.
The sound of a door opening causes me to jump and jerk my face away from my hands. Standing before me is Ryland with a foam cup in each hand. His dark brows are pushed together in concern as his eyes pierce my own. He places the twocups onto a glass table by the door, and in two swift steps, he sits down next to me.
“Hey,” he says softly and reaches his hand out to touch mine. He hesitates for a moment before patting the top of my knee instead and intertwines his fingers together in his lap.
