I wrap my arms around my knees and pull them closer to my face. I lean my chin on my arms and wipe my eyes against my forearms. I’m embarrassed that he found me breaking down and train my gaze on his brown boots. He’s got a bit of mud clinging to one, right at the toe. I try to distract myself by picturing him in his flannel, covered in sweat, his sleeves rolled to his elbows, like he used to look when he would come over and help Papaw around the farm. The memory loosens something inside of me, and it makes me want to be open with him instead of reserved like I should be.
I let out a sigh. “I’m sorry,” I admit and mean it in so many different ways. I sniffle and wipe away a few fresh tears.
“You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay to feel the way you do right now.” He puts his hand on my lower back lightly, and I can sense his nervousness before he removes it just as quickly. “I’ve seen you in worse shape.”
I snort, but there is a heaviness with it. “I doubt that.” I return my gaze to the man that used to bemy everything. The man I’ve tried hard to forget but have always failed to.
“You’ll make it through this, no matter the outcome.” He would know better than anyone else after losing both of his grandparents.
I don’t know if he can feel it too, but there’s this familiar buzz between us. I wonder if he’s still hurt by my past actions. Am I still hanging onto his?That nighthas played over and over in my mind, leaving me wondering how things could have been different. Oftentimes, I question if leaving hurt him worse than it did me? Where can we stand today after that?
I feel as if I let go of that heartache a long time ago. We were teenagers, after all. Fresh out of high school with the wholeworld at our fingertips. We wanted different things, and we both made our choices that night. One of the saddest moments in my life was the love I ran from because of fear. That’s the one thing I’ve hung onto.
It’s why I chose to spend many years single, never trusting anyone with my heart. That was, until I met Samuel. He unlocked something in me. He gifted me silent understanding and a fresh start. Yet, I never could open up to him—not fully—or allow myself to truly love him.
I inhale a daring breath and bravely peek at Ryland. His hazel eyes find mine, and his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. I watch, frustration tightening his expression as he considers me quietly.
I can’t get over how different he is now compared to the boy I met when we were teens. Back then, he was loose and comfortable, a little quiet but charming. His smiles were easy and frequent. Here, now, sitting next to me in the small room, the overhead fluorescent lighting painting him in shadows as he sits next to me, he’s got a frown on every line of his face from the set of his eyebrows to the downward tilt of his full lips. I wonder how much of that is my fault.
I open my mouth to say something—anything—but instead, I swallow my words, feeling them form a lump in my throat. His eyes never falter from studying me. I feel the familiar swoop, low in my belly, just like I did the first time I saw him. It’s like cracking open a memory to take another look. Flannel instead of a school sweatshirt. Messy golden-brown hair instead of a backward baseball cap.
His eyes still look the same, still hold a kindness within their hazel color. I notice the small crow’s feet etched into their corners. His hair, messy from running his hands through it, is the same shade of golden brown but is now mixed with a few stray grays near his temples. He has filled out, and the lower half of his face is covered in a brown beard that looks like it could use a trim. Even so, it’s rather striking.
His eyes may be familiar, but they don’t look at me like they once did. Why does that send a pang through my heart? Something I’ve told myself to work on while I’m back in Covewood is to finally put the past in the past. To take that step forward, even though forgiveness often feels like a giant leap rather than a step.
“Raine?” Ryland’s voice snaps me back into reality as he runs a hand through his hair. “The necklace.”
I’m confused at first, but then it dawns on me. I’m wearing the rainbow necklace. In the chaos of events, I completely forgot that I had it on. My hand reaches up, pinching the rainbow in between my index finger and thumb.
“Mamaw sent it with some old photo albums a few months back. I, uh…don’t know why, really, but I put it on before I traveled home.”
He hums, considering me for a moment, before he looks down at the pendant between my fingers. “I’m glad you kept it.”
I give him a small smile, and it seems to loosen something within him. It’s enough to snap me out of our little bubble and return back to this horrible nightmare that is our reality. Being here with Ryland is starting to mess with my emotions. It feels as if the past and present are fighting with one another. With an exhale, I stand up and look down at Ryland as his lips part to say something, but the words don’t come out. I know the feeling because I don’t know what to say either.
“I probably should get back,” I say softly and point to the door.
He stands up and bends his head down to get a better look at me. “Yeah. Yeah. Okay,” he stutters before adding, “Would you like a hug?”
My eyes travel down his shoulders, across his biceps, to his large hands. Oh, how good it would feel to be wrapped in those arms and receive his comfort right now. To feel safe like he used to make me feel. But I know I won’t be able to handle it. Notright now. It’s best to keep my distance. I shake my head no. “I, um… I’m trying to keep it together right now. A hug might get me crying again.”
Life is hitting me like a freight train, forcing me to face the music I’ve tried so hard to mute. Every emotion I’ve worked intensely to tuck away seems intent on returning all at once, and I’m not ready to deal with them. I’m not prepared for this.
“Okay,” he replies softly as he moves around me to grab the two styrofoam cups and hands one to me. “It’s just hospital coffee, but you looked like you could use some caffeine.”
I take it from his grasp and place my hands around its warmth. “Thank you.”
He gives me a nod in return and opens the door for me. As we walk down the brightly lit hallway, he stops near a door and asks, “Hey, would you mind if we go in here together to pray over Johanna. I can go grab Earl to join us.”
My eyes look past him and see that we are standing in front of the chapel. Ryland and I went to church together often in the past, but the fact that he wants to pray over my Mamaw sends an odd yet satisfying feeling into my heart. I nod in agreement and reach for the door handle.
“I’ll be right back,” he assures me and makes his way down the hallway. I take a seat near the window and do my best to breathe encouraging breaths. The last thing I want to do is cry in front of Papaw. I have to stay strong for him.
Within minutes, Ryland returns with Papaw close behind him, and I’m relieved when I notice no one else came with them. It’s just the three of us. Papaw takes a seat next to me, and Ryland sits next to him. I lace my fingers with Papaw’s and give him an encouraging squeeze, reminding him that I’m here for him. He gives me a slight smile, revealing just how strong he truly is.
My heart softens as Ryland takes my Papaw’s other hand and bows his head. I can’t take my eyes off him as he coughs back his nerves and lets out a breathy exhale. I feel so selfishin this moment when I realize how hard this must be for him as well. I have been so self-absorbed in my own suffering. I forgot how close Ryland is with my grandparents. He’s spent more time with them these last ten years than I have. That thought alone twists my gut, and I feel the hot sting of fresh tears fight their way past my eyelids as I shut them and bow my head.
“Dear Heavenly Father, we come to you today to ask that you be with Johanna and her loved ones. Please come near to this family, Lord, and bring them a peace that only you can give. We ask that you place your healing hands upon Johanna and make her whole again. That you usher the medical team into success. Lord, we are not ready for her to leave us,” his voice breaks for a moment with a cough following.
