The nicest guy on the planet … the second he walks in …
I ruin everything.
God, I have to get out of here.
“I will not be disrespected in my own house,” Dad warned, his volume rising. “I don’t care who at this table you’re sleeping with—"
“Daddy,” Grace cut in harshly, aghast.
He ignored her easily. “I will happily throw you out of this house if you so easily stand at the side of this cowardly excuse—"
“Understand something, asshole,” Sid growled, fists clenched against the table. “I can respect you when I’m inside this house. But I will always—and I mean,always—stand by his side.”
I couldn’t listen to any more of my father’s insults. I couldn’t listen to any more of the yelling and defending. I couldn’t take it.
I pushed out from the table, the chair legs scraping over the floor, and I stood.
“Nobody has to stand by my side,” I said, my voice raspy and choked. “I’m leaving.”
“What?” Lucy and Grace both cried in unison.
“No!” Lucy said, shaking her head. “Youcan’t! Just … just stay! Please—"
“Why?” I asked, exasperated. “So that I can listen to more of this shit? So that I can ruin this fucking holiday for everyone? No, Lucy. I won’t. Ican’t.”
I hurried past my father, who had yet to say another word or move from his spot at the table. I hurried into the living room to grab my coat off the rack, not bothering to put it on before pulling the door open.
“Where are you gonna go, Max?”
I looked over my shoulder to see Sid.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “Doesn’t matter.”
He walked over to me. “For what it’s worth, I didn’t think it was a good idea for you to come here. I suggested we do something at Lucy and Ricky’s place. Without him. But Grace and Lucy …”
His voice trailed off with the words he didn’t want to say. Something about my sisters loving our father,despite everything. Something about not understanding how my dad could be such a nice guy to others, but not to me, never ever to me.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, ready to push the door open and disappear. Maybe even for good this time.
“I just don’t get it,” he muttered, his brow crumpling like he was attempting to figure out the greatest mystery of my life. “What the hell does he have against you?”
“Everything,” was all I could say, and then, before he could reply, I left.
***
I drove for twenty minutes before pulling to the side of the road. The water looked still outside the foggy windows, like a sheet of glass beneath the crescent moon. It was a cold night, cold enough for the surface of the water to freeze. I bet it’d feel like a thousand daggers piercing my skin the moment I plunged in, but the pain would be gone quickly. Or I hoped so anyway.
I killed the engine. Then I took out my hearing aids to drop them in the center console. I didn’t need them where I was going, and oddly enough, all I could think was that they were worth more than anything else I owned. I might’ve hated them, but I appreciated their value, and so I chose to spare them a watery demise.
I got out of the truck and into a silent night, the only sound a barrage of insults and cruelties assaulting my tired mind. My father’s voice, accusing me of lying, of cheating, of being exactly what he always thought I was—acoward. A failure. An embarrassment to his family. Somuch so that he’d written me out of it, pretended I didn’t exist. I wished I knew why. God, I wished I understood what I had done to make him despise me in such a heinous, wicked way, but was any reason justification enough to loathe your own son?
I didn’t know. But I couldn’t live with it anymore.
I couldn’t live, period.
I walked around the truck and to the sidewalk and steel railing. My hands touched the freezing metal and clenched around it as I leaned forward, looking down at the water roughly a hundred fifty feet below. I couldn’t hear the water as it sloshed around the bridge’s rocky pillars, but I could see enough in the moonlight, and I decided this might be the best place to jump.
If my head hits those rocks, I’m good and done. Better than hitting the water and maybe surviving.
