I looked ahead and saw a lighthouse, winking at me across the water. Like the star the Wise Men had followed to that stable in Bethlehem, it called to me, beckoning me with a promise of peace and joy.
Quiet.
Oh God, how badly I wanted my brain to be quiet. How badly I wanted to go a single fucking day without hearing my father’s voice, hearing every failure I’d committed in all of my years on this planet, spoken in his words. How badly I wanted him to love me the way he loved my sisters, how fucking desperately I longed for him to look at me for a second the way he looked at them.
The wind blew against my face, freezing the tears streaming down my cheeks. Even in my last moments, I was desperate for an affection I would never receive.
Pathetic.
I stepped onto the first bar, ready to swing my leg over, when I saw movement to my right. Startled, I turned my head, half expecting to find that Sid had followed me here. But it wasn’t him. It was a woman, and she was slowly approaching through the darkness. I couldn’t make out her face, but her hands were outstretched, palms out, as if to tell me to stop.
Ignore her. Just jump. Be done with this.
I looked away, eyes on the lighthouse.
Guide me home.
I leaned over the railing, my grip tightening as my eyes closed to the frigid air on my face.
Let go. It’s okay. Let go. Fall. It’s fine. It’ll be fine.
But hushed, muffled cries beside me drew my attention, distracting me. I couldn’t make out the words, but her presence was felt. She was getting in the way.
Dammit!
I opened my eyes, turned my head, and gasped, losing my footing and slipping off, my shoe landing on the sidewalk.
Am I dreaming?I wondered as I stared into the eyes of the woman I had loved and hurt and loved some more.
Laura’s lips were moving, her eyes wild and terrified and frantic. No, there was no possible way for her to be here, yet there she was. I wished she weren’t, but, oh my God, she washere, and I couldn’t hear a word she was saying. But her lips were moving.
Please, please, please, I could see she was saying. That word, mixed among others I couldn’t quite read.Please, please, please.
I reminded myself she was married. Another man had fathered her babies. She had a home, a life. She was never truly mine, nor was I ever hers, yet she was here, begging me.
Please, please, please.
I stumbled off the railing, falling back with a sob. Laura rushed forward, wrapping her arms around me, her heartbeat hammering against my chest as we crumpled to the sidewalk, where I cried and she cried with me and I wished it were her that blinking light was meant to guide me to.
She held her hands to my cheeks as she looked into my eyes and spoke, her lips moving in the glow of the above lampposts. Her voice came out in a muffled whisper, like she was speaking beneath a thousand pillows, and I shook my head, desperate to hear her. Confusion washed over her features, but she continued to talk, pointing to her ears.
Can you hear me?I imagined her saying, and I shook my head.
She narrowed her eyes, putting the pieces together herself without knowing the story.
“Come with me,” I said, standing and reaching down to take her hand and hoist her up. I led her to my truck, opened the door, and put my hearing aids back in. “Okay. What were you saying?”
A wash of sadness blanketed her face. “Your ears …”
“I lost my hearing in the war,” I explained vaguely.
“I’m so sorry, Max.”
It was so nice to hear my name come from her lips. God, it was so nice to see her, to be here with her, and I had to remind myself again that it didn’t matter.
“Is that why you …” She couldn’t finish her sentence, but instead cast her gaze toward the bridge.
I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t know how to explain that the reason I wanted to end my life was because everyone else’s would be better off. I didn’t know how to say it in a way she would understand, so I just shook my head, keeping it simple with yes or no answers.
