Heglanced at me from the driver’s side. “I don’t really know how to answer that.”
“It’snot exactly a hard question.”
Witha huffed sigh, he glared studiously at the road, his eyes shadowed by the brimof his baseball hat. “It really is though.‘CauseIdunno. How Ifeelfor you hasn’tchangedor anything. Ijust,” he shrugged and shifted in his seat, “decided I wanted to bewithyou, I guess.”
“So,you’vealwayswanted to fuck me?” I teased, reaching over to nudge my knucklesagainst his thigh. A coy segue into asking the real question that’d beennagging me since before.
Heconsidered the question with a tip of his head and a thoughtful grumble. Then,finally he replied, “I’m a guy, Molly.”
“That’sa yes, then.” I grinned, feeling damn near triumphant.
“Ithad crossed my mind.”
Igrinned, leaning back against my seat. “I’m flattered.”
“Youshould be.”
Mama’svoice was there again:men only want sex.I hated it. Hated those words, that message, and that I was applying it tothese moments that should’ve only felt good and complimentary. Things like thatshouldn’t be getting in the way of this happiness, and I wondered if theyalways would. If I’d ever move completely beyond the effects of her pasttrauma, of mine, and I sighed heavily with the realization that Chad needed toknow. He needed tounderstandin theways he had never been allowed to before.
“So,um … what do you already know about my parents?” I asked abruptly.
Heturned tome,surprise evident in his wide blue eyes.“Oh. Um, not much.” Looking back to the road, he lifted a shoulder. “I know thebasics, obviously, and I’ve overheard my parentstalkin’a few times. But I was never deliberately told anything, and I never asked, so… I just figured it wasn’t my place.”
“Well…” I exhaled, leaving myself winded as I stared out the window. I figured Ishould start from the beginning. “So, Mama met him in college, around the sametime your parents met.‘Causeyou know our mamas; they had to do everything together.”
“Uh-huh,”he grumbled lightly. The faintest smile tugging at his lips.
“Theydated for years, things seemed great, and then, Mama got pregnant. She says itwas an accident, and Iwannabelieve her, but … Idunno. Your parents had been married for a while by thenand I’m sure Mama felt a little left out, even if she’d never admit it.”
Irubbed my palm against my jeans, and Chad reached over, taking my hand andholding it tight. He assured me he was there in the simplest, purest of ways.Because, I reminded myself, he wasdifferent.
“Anyway,he made it very obvious that he didn’twannahavekids, but I guess he wasn’t a complete piece of crap either,‘causehe hung around throughouther pregnancy. But he was an awful father,” I told him, furrowing my brow atthe distant, vivid memories. “He resented me so much, and even though he neversaid it, I alwaysfeltit. I don’t have a single warm memory of him. Imean, Jesus, Icravedseeingyourdad‘causehe actuallyhugged me.Myfather couldn’teven look at me half the time, and when he did, it was to remind me ofsomethin’ I’d done wrong or whatever.”
“Idon’t remember any of this,” Chad admitted contritely, shaking his head andsqueezing my hand.
“Youwouldn’t. He was never really around.”
“Yeah,I guess not.” Still, he wore the look of guilt. Like he could’ve donesomething. Like he’d failed.
Ipicked at the beginnings of a hole in the knee of my jeans. “Anyway. One day,he woke my mama up and told her he wasleavin’. Sheasked where he wasgoin’, and he said that he’d metsomeone else. He’d gottenherpregnant and wanted to be with her and thebaby. Mama just let him go. She didn’t fight it ornothin’.Wasn’t worthfightin’ for, I guess.”
“I’dheard about that,” Chad said, setting his jaw tight. “That he had anotherfamily.”
“Yeah.”I nodded, brushing my hair from my face. “I have a half-sister somewhere in theworld, and to them, he is adotin’ husband andfather. It wasn’t until I found him on Facebook a while back that—”
“Wait,you looked him up?” he interjected, steeling a glance at me before darting hiseyes back to the road.
“Iwon’t contact him, so don’t suggest it,” I warned him. “I realized then that itwasn’t that he didn’twantkids or awife; he just didn’t wantus. Whetheror not it was done on purpose, the man had been trapped without a choice andhe’d held a grudge until he foundsomethin’ better.”
“Don’tmake excuses for his shitty behavior, Molly,” Chad growled, shaking his head.“You don’t hold a grudge against yourownkid. Even if your mother did traphim—and who the hell knows if she did—it’s no excuse to take it out on thechild, who also didn’t have a choice inbein’ born.”
“Oh,I’m notmakin’ excuses for him,” I scoffed. “Believeme. I’m justsayin’, he didn’t want me then, andIdon’t wanthimnow.”
“Butwhat about his other daughter? You’re not even curious about her?”
Ishook my head. “Nope. I’m no more curious about her than any other stranger Icome across online. I made my peace with the way things are a long time ago,and I’m happy. Honestly.”
“Fairenough.” He nodded, then squeezed my hand again. “I’m glad you told me. I’mglad I know.”
