“But they won’twantto,” he grumbled, glaring rightback.
I laughed. “Nogirl wants to talk to herparentsabout birth control pills.Trust me.” His expression relaxed as I playfullyshoved against his arm. “And besides, I’m not going anywhere, okay? If there’ssomething they don’t want to talk to you about, they can always talk to me.”
Slowly nodding, Jonfixed his stare on his hands, now clasped on his lap. His thumbnails flicked athis cuticles and he chewed at his bottom lip. It wasn’t until I touched hisshoulder that he acknowledged me again, and his lips pulled into a painedsmile.
“I’ll always loveBeth,” he whispered, turning his hand over to examine his wedding ring.
My heart hammered as Ireplied, “Of course you will. She’s your wife.”
And to my surprise, heshook his head. “She doesn’t feel like my wife anymore. She did, for a longtime, but at some point, I’ve stopped feeling married. And I keep trying totalk myself into feeling guilty for that. I keep trying to make itstop. But I can’t …” His words choked inhis throat and he swallowed, sniffling. “I can’t control it.”
I wanted to know whatwas coming next but wishing felt like getting my hopes up. I knew I couldn’tlet my hopes build too high with Jon. He was mending, but he was also stillbroken. I couldn’t push too hard and risk shattering him again.
So, I remained quietand still. I let him breathe and make peace with his feelings, and then heturned to look at me. Really look at me, as I felt myself being pulled into hisgaze. “They’re right, you know,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Who is? About what?”
“The girls. They saidyou made me better.”
“I did?’ It feltimpossible, when deep down, I felt like I’d been using him for my own benefit.That stupid, stupid book.
But Jon noddedreverently. “Youdo.”
I had to remind myselfthat this was no longer a married man, as he slowly made the move to take myhand in his. He was a grieving widower, a fragile romantic with the talent ofthe greatest composers. His wife was long gone, and this was okay. I remainedperfectly still, allowing him the freedom to move as he saw fit, shifting andleaning until his lips pulled in my breath and I could taste his.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
JON
Iimagined I couldfeelher, or maybe I wasn’t imagining at all.
Beth.
I closed my eyes to theroom, to Tess, and there, behind my eyelids, I could see her. Her smiling lips,her sparkling eyes. She looked so happy. This moment, this image, felt so muchlike the last time I’d ever see her, as though every newsecondI lived was only helping to wipe her from my memory. I imagined the phantomtouch of her hand against my cheek, imagined her lips pressing to mine in afinal kiss I’d never have, and when I opened my eyes to Tess’s crystal blueeyes, it felt like a goodbye.
Loveyou, babe. Goodnight.
“I want this,” I said,more to myself than to Tess. Another act of selfishness, but this time, I wasdetermined not to feel sorry for it.
Tess nodded, seeminglyunable to speak through her trembling lips, and I pushed forward to settlethem. To settle my heart. To remind myself what it was like tolive. And in all my life, I had neveracted so quickly, or so on impulse,thanI did in thatmoment, when I pressed my uncertain lips to hers. And I sighed with a startlingamount of contentment as she whimpered helplessly, forall ofthose two seconds, when my very, very certain lips were pressed to hers.
It was as though I haddared myself to do it, just to see that I could, and I pulled away just asquickly as it began. I don’t know what I’d expected. Maybe I had thought theworld as I knew it would cease to exist, the moment I allowed myself to kissanother woman. Maybe I’d thought it was me who would end, struck down after amoment of weakness.
But I opened my eyes tofind I wasn’t dead, nor had my heart stopped, and the world around me was stillspinning. Everything was as it was, except for my spirit.
It felt different.
It felt good.
I wanted more. No, Ineededmore. After so long withouttouching someone, and without being touched, I was now instantly transformedinto a ravenous beast by the smallest of kisses. But when I leaned in to put mylips to hers again, she shook her head, pressing a hand to my shoulder. Immediately,I thought I’d done something wrong, and I prepared myself to apologize, to takeit all back, although knowing I never could.
“Jon,” Tess whispered.“Let me just say, I have wanted this for way longer than I even realized, and Iam so happy it’s happening. But I also know how hard this is for you, and Ireally don’t want to be something you’ll regret.”
“How could I everregret you?” I found myself asking with sincerity. I knew what she meant,though. When the walls piled back up, when I was alone in bed, when I’d missBeth. Tess didn’t want me to look back on this moment, on any moment with her,and want to take it back.
But I was always goingto miss Beth. Those moments, those nights, would always creep in when I’d leastexpect them, and they would bite down hard with the reminder of promises I oncemade. Promises I could never keep. And that was never going to change, nomatter how long I waited or how much time passed.
But I was never goingto regret Tess.
