Momentarily, Iremembered breaking the news to Jeff and my parents a few days ago. Theirsomber expressions, the questions of “are you sure” and “have you thought aboutthis.” But Iwassure, and Ihadthought about it. Extensively. Ineeded to close the chapter of my life that was held in limbo by being in thisapartment, and I wanted to start fresh in a place that made me feel happy.
That was River Canyon.
I told Tess the samething I had told them. “It’s only an hour away via ferry.”
She pulled her beanieoff, puffing her hair with frizz, chaos, and waves. Her fingers raked throughthe lengthsin an attempt tosmooth it out as shestammered, “Th-that’s stillso far away.W-what dotheythink about this?” Shewas frantic, trying to talk me out of a decision that had already been made.
“Who?” I asked, puttingthe chai tea on the coffee table and stuffing my hands into my pockets.
“Thegirls!”
“They’re excited.” Itwas true. When I’d told them what was happening, they’d jumped up and down atthe excitement of embarking on a new adventure. They’d be close to Devin’sdaughters, close to other kids their age in town, and I’d have the time tohomeschool them. Just as Beth and I had always wanted. “It’ll be anadjustment,” I added, exhaling heavily. “But it’ll be good for us.”
I had never consideredTess while making the decision. She had only been with our family for about sixmonths, and while the changes she had brought along had been wonderful (for themost part), after breaking things off, I had reverted to thinking herinvolvement was still a temporary arrangement. We would wish each other luck inour endeavors, then go our separate ways.
But now, looking at heras she bit her lip and struggled to maintain her composure, I felt guilty fornot mentioning it sooner.
“Tess, I’m sorry. Ijust figured you’d be leaving soon, too, once your grandma’s house was sold.”
Snapping away from hersomber trance, she shook her head fervently and pulled her hat back on. “Ofcourse, yeah. Yougottado what’s best for you. It’sa good thing. And listen, if you need help watching the girls while you pack,or um, if you need help packing, let me know. I’ve gotten pretty good at it.”
Then, before I couldreply, she was spinning on her heel and hurrying to retrieve Annabel from herroom. I pushed out an exhale and pinched the space between my eyebrows, andwhen they reentered the living room, I forced a smile.
“You guys have fun,” Isaid, speaking mostly to Annabel as she danced at Tess’s feet wearing herwinter coat, woolen hat and mittens.
Gasping as thoughsomething had been forgotten, Tess dug into her bag to reveal a book. Passingit over to me, she said, “Here. I wanted you to have this.”
Without looking at thecover, I asked, “Is thisyours?”
“Yeah,” she said,practically in a whisper. “You don’t have to read it now, or uh, ever. But youhelped write it, so …” She shrugged ruefully, unsuccessfully masking hersadness behind a grin.
“I promise I’ll readit,” I said, while not knowing when I’dactually beable to. Maybe when I could look at her without thinking about having her in myarms. Maybe when thoughts of our time together didn’t hurt so much.
“Don’t make promisesyou won’t keep,” she said, still hiding behind that grin. Then, clearing herthroat, she squeezed Annabel’s hand. “Ready, cutie pie?”
I wished them a goodtime before closing the door behind them, still clutching the book in my hand.When it was just me, alone in the apartment with my memories and ancientghosts, I slowly crossed the room to the old, weathered couch that I couldn’twait to replace. I sat down, kicked my feet up on the coffee table and turnedthe book over in my hands. And then, I stopped breathing.
There, on a bluebackground, was a drawing of a teacup and a tiara. It was simple and ambiguous,but I knew what it meant. The sentiment was there, and the execution wasbeautifully done.
But that wasn’t thereason I couldn’t breathe, or why my brow furrowed with the determination tokeep myself collected. No, the reason for that was the title, staring up at mein cursive font. It told me there was no way I could read this book now, notwithout ruining my composure.
TellMe Goodnight.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
TESS
Losinghim was a deep-seated splinter, working its way deeper and deeper into myheart. With every breath, with every pulse, it pinched and ached. Reminding meof everything I no longer had.
Forgivenessfelt so far away, and I wished for an opportunity that would bring it closer.Even just a little. Just near enough that I could reach out and brush myfingertips against it.
Maybethen, I could hope.
***
“Tess!” Annabel calledfrom the backseat overthe Spice Girls’ “Wannabe.”
“Yeah?”
