“If fuckin’ Moose hadn’t started shit, we wouldn’t have lost four hours. Now we’re not going to get to the prime spot with enough time to fill the hull. We’re all out at least two grand,” Edward said.”
Pain in my hand registered before the sight of Edward laying on the ground. Blood seeped from his lip as he struggled to push himself to his feet. I learned to be the first one to act while at McLaughlin. If you didn’t win, you’d lose big.
The minute Edward grumbled that I was to blame for not being able to make as much money as we wanted, anger radiated through me and warmed me enough to stand and swing.
Freddie pulled me into a choke hold. “The minute we dock, you’re fired.” Second nature took over and cost me a job.
The second I threw that punch; I heard God in my ear telling me I was wrong.
“If someone does you wrong, don’t try to pay them back by hurting them. Try to do what everyone thinks is right. Do the best you can to live in peace with everyone.”—Romans 12:17-18
Without being able to take it back, I knew I had to suffer the consequences. Such is life. I put myself in these situations, and I had to take responsibility for what I had done. Again.
“I NEED MY STUFF.”As the words came out of my mouth, my duffle landed beside my feet. Holding my bruised hand with my good one, I trudged to the city center and found a bench to rest.
Well, that was quite the experience. I pulled up some crab pods, got thrown overboard, and let my anger get the best of me.I sighed.Stupid fuck made me so mad. Wait. That’s not right.I shook my head and closed my eyes.God, why can’t I get it through my thick skull that no one is to blame for my actions but me?
The bible sat on top of my clothes zipped within my bag. I opened it to one of the bookmarks.
“If you are wise, you are wise for yourself; if you scoff, you alone willbear it.”—Proverbs 9:12
Amazed to find the exact verse I needed to hear—read—I closed the book and tucked it back into safety.If I make it back to Talkeetna, if Pete allows me to stay, I promise I’ll make up for my sins. I’ll work hard, love my friends, stay sober, and volunteer. I need to do something good, not for me, but for someone else. I need to do some good deeds to repent. What’s next?
I need a vehicle.Thanks to my time on the ship, I had enough cash to last through the next few weeks and buy an old truck, if I could find one cheap enough.
Police sirens accompanied red and blue flashing lights. The car parked beside me, and an officer got out. Calm and cool, he sauntered over to the bench where I sat. “Heard you had a problem with one of Miller’s crews.” Sunglasses slid down his nose and he glared at me. “Moose.”
Without any way to hide the incident, I admitted, “Dude called me a cheechako and tried to drown me. Pushed me overboard. Do you know how cold that ocean is?”
The cop smirked and put his hands on his hips. “I suggest you get lost before you end up in prison. I don’t want to see you in this town again.”
RUST ATE THROUGHthe bottom of the doors of mynew truck, making it look much older than it really was. It ran, but barely. I used some of my cash to secure the Chevy from a makeshift dealership before I headed north.
Fingers crossed that Pete still worked with his brother in Talkeetna.I hadn’t thought about that. What if he’s not even there anymore?Spending time in the wild surrounding the cabins had been the only place besides home I had ever been happy. I needed to fill that space in my heart. Again. It seemed like the perfect time to start fresh. Again.
As I drove, I fantasized about owning a house on a nice piece of land like my dad had. At the moment, though, all I had to my name was a few changes of clothes, a flannel, parka, and work boots.And this damn truck. It seemed strange how the shortest moments in time could feel like an eternity.
Warm air poured from the vents even though I had the control turned to the lowest heat setting. Dirty floorboards masked the wrappers from a candy bar and a bag of potato chips.
The newest Hardy song blared from the radio, and I smiled. One of the previous owners had broken the knob off the tuner, so I was stuck with country music. I wasn’t mad about it.
I kept right at the fork. Red lights flashed as the railroad crossing sign warned of an oncoming train. Ichecked the clock and sighed. An empty energy drink can sat in the cup holder and I grumbled.
The safety arms lowered, and I wondered what it would feel like to get hit by a train. Would it hurt or kill me before I could feel any pain?
What is my purpose in life? Why am I here? I’ve never done anything to help anyone. I didn’t help my mom; in fact, I let her die. I didn’t help anyone in McLaughlin; I inflicted pain on other boys in the hopes of relieving my own. I didn’t help Felix or Dennis. Hell, I didn’t even help Kennedy. I didn’t have a chance, she left before I could try. There’s no meaning in my life. God, why did you save me from drowning?
A horn caught my attention, and I lifted my gaze only to realize my foot had come off the brake enough for my truck to inch forward. I was looking directly into the bright light of the train; I shifted into reverse and got out of the way just in time. I guess I didn’t really want to know how much pain I would be in if the train didn’t kill me.
Shaken, I tried to catch my breath. Through the partial darkness, a full moon illuminated picturesque mountains and still ponds of water. Sadness took over. Disbelief.
How did my life end up like this? I’m twenty-three years old and have nothing.Maybe I’d never live up to my mom’s idea of a good man. Before I left Dallas,Andrew had assured me that God has a reason for everything. “Dude, I sure could use a hint here.”
Chapter 26
Kennedy, age twenty—June 2008
BLUEISH BLACKstretched from the corner of my eye to the edge of my cheek bone. It hurt to blink, let alone pat concealer over the area. When I smeared the creamy substance over the puffiest part, I winced and inhaled so I wouldn’t cry out.
