Page 45 of Hate So Deep
It’s been tense since the last blowout between Mom and Dad but they’re back to pretending that nothing is going on while I study everything they do and say.
Beyond that, I can’t get the interlude with Dirk from last weekend out of my head.
Despite how it ended, it was the realest thing I’ve done in too long to count because with every shadowed glance between my parents and sneer from Buck, the world I thought was mine becomes more of a mirage.
It wasn’t perfect but it was mine and now I don’t know how to let it go.
I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter but it fucking does. Were we not good enough for my dad?
Did he think about us when he created an entirely separate family?
Does the bitch who stole him know that he’s married? Doesshethink she’s married to him?
These thoughts circle around and around my brain until I’m so fucking annoyed with myself that I want to leave but just like this fucked up scenario, I can’t.
I’m stuck, which is why I finally give in and roll over to grab my phone.
These days the only thing that acts as a balm is something I shouldn’t want.
However, when I’m around Dirk Evans, the last thing I’m thinking about is my parents.
I’ll take the fucking hit if it comes down to it because it can’t compare to the other shit rolling around in my soul
Thank God Caro is always down, and I pull up to her house twenty minutes later with a grin.
“What or should I saywhoare we doing tonight?” she asks with a waggle of her brows.
Laughing I put my car in gear and say, “I don’t know. You heard of any parties?”
She glances at me sideways, and I sit up as I make a left turn. “What?”
Shrugging, she stares at her cuticles and says, “I heard your boy toy is at Turner Park.”
With a thrill I try to hide behind my hair, I say, “Oh?”
She smacks my arm, and I can’t hold back a laugh which fades when she says, “Don’t catch feelings.”
“I’m not,” I mumble, and she turns to me.
“Seriously, Lala. He doesn’t even know who you are. You think a guy like Dirk Evans is gonna appreciate being lied to?”
No, he won’t. But telling him who I am will take away the only fucking thing that makes me feel.
So, I’m going to be selfish a little bit longer.
Chapter 19
NOW
Lauren
I tossed and turned all night, waking with a wretched headache.
Dirk’s accusations still roll around in my head and although I don’t necessarily agree, I do know that it’s going to get super awkward if I don’t change my tune.
Being at my dad’s brings out the worst in me but what’s the alternative? Go home and sit in my home which feels more like a mausoleum?
Today is my birthday. I’m eighteen but as with every Christmas, I’m not expecting much because the greater holiday tends to overshadow the day of my birth.
