Page 46 of Hate So Deep
I wouldn’t be surprised if my mom bitched all the way to the hospital when she went into labor because I ruined the holiday for her precious son.
Ugh.
Still, with this new day, I’m now an adult and there’s comfort in knowing that technically no one can tell me what to do anymore, not that I have any answers for myself.
After sitting through an awkward as fuck Christmas morning while everyone opened their gifts and I feigned a quasi-pleasant expression though, I left.
Thankfully, no one pressed me about anything but the hollow feeling in my chest followed me through the morning and dulled the brightest part when Celia produced a birthday cake and they presented me with a gift card to my favorite department store.
Now back at home, I feel the chill in the air the moment I step inside and after trudging up the stairs, I stop outside Buck’s closed door and press my fingers to the wood.
The faint shuffle beyond confirms my suspicions and I grip the knob before backing away.
Maybe it’s the coward's way out but I can’t face Mom when she’s like this and frankly, I don’t think she wants my comfort anyway.
Instead, I lock myself away in my bedroom where I spend the remainder of Christmas and my birthday watching classic movies and escaping into another world.
Later after grabbing a snack in the kitchen, I pause at the door to my room when I find my mom standing inside.
She’s glaring at my bed and with a trickle of unease, I whisper, “Mom?”
“Did you eat with that fucking cunt?” she asks, and I eye her stiff shoulders.
When I don’t respond because frankly, I don’t know what to say, she continues. “Your dad ruined everything when he fucked that bitch and brought two bastards into this world.”
Speechless, I can only stare until she looks up and says, “Remember that when you’re sitting across the dinner table with them. He chose them, Lauren…”
My eyes drop to her hand when she holds out my hairbrush and after I take it, she stalks from the room without a backward glance.
As soon as she’s gone, I close the door and stare at the brush before throwing it on the bed with a sigh.
Thanks for the birthday wishes Mom, or hey, how about Merry fucking Christmas?
Ugh.
I can’t define the emotion rolling through my chest, but it aches like a motherfucker.
I don’t want to feel this shit any longer. I can’t, so when Caro reaches out to ask if I want to party, I agree.
Maybe I should stay home but what awaits me here?
Mom is more closed off and distant than ever and I know I should be mourning Buck, and I am, but there was so much shit between me and the brother I used to adore that it’s blunted.
I guess that’s a blessing but at this point, I’d rather just grieve what could have been than live with what’s happening now.
I’m not sure my soul can handle any more truth bombs from my mom anyway.
Caro greets me at the curb with a wide smile that leads me to believe she’s already flying high and when she directs me to a house across town, I head in that direction.
I haven’t said much about my brother since his accident but as we roll up to a house and I spy the group hanging on theporch, she says, “Hey, I know this is weird shit but I’m here…you know?”
Clearing my throat, I whisper, “Thanks.”
While I appreciate her words, I don’t know how to describe the shit storm in my head and frankly I don’t think it’s a good idea to involve her in my mess.
Would that make her an accessory or something?
“You talk to Lover Boy?” she asks when we step onto the sidewalk.
