Page 73 of Arseni
“Because…” My voice holds emotion.I’ve just begun and already I can tell I’m going to lose it on him.“You know everything about me.Everyrealthing about me, things that I never dreamed of telling anyone.How do you think that makes me feel?I’m fucking naked here.”
“Oh my God.”He leans forward to cradle his forehead like an asshole.Like I’m demanding, dramatic, maybe even crazy.
“Am I seriously asking too much?”I huff, but it’s weak.I feel gassed when all I’ve been doing is sitting here.
“Showing me the type of porn you’re into isn’t bearing your soul to me, Margot.I find your little fetish adorable.I’m a bit more complicated.”
My cheeks burn as I turn away, my tongue feeling thicker.
Little fetish.Adorable.
I’m just cute to him.Like a little puppy he’s just taught to roll over.
My secrets mean nothing.My shame means nothing.
Throwing my napkin on my plate, I stand and start toward the back door.I’m not even sure where I’m headed, his bedroom or the basement.
The basement.I settle on it as I step inside.
“What the fuck do you want from me?”Arseni stomps behind me.
“I don’t want anything from you,” I snipe back, walking faster toward the basement.
“Where the hell are you going?”
“My chamber, Daddy.Let me know when you’re ready to torture me again.”
“Margot.”
No.
When my lip starts to tremble, I nearly break out into a run, only stopping when Arseni pulls me back by my arm and pins me to the wall.
“Stop.”His command is fierce, but his face quickly softens.The vulnerability that shines in his eyes makes me hesitant to break away.To find sanctuary in a prison just so I won’t have to face him.
When I speak, my voice is a soft whisper.“What did you want from me tonight, Arseni?Did you want me to gush because you lit a candle and made me dinner?”
He blinks, his mouth opening.“I just wanted you to know I cared about you…”
“But youdon’t.”I shake my head, my cheeks pinching.“You like having sex with me.You like making fun of me.What you feel is lust, and maybe that’ll be enough for you to let me go, but it isn’t enough for you to care about me in the way that I need.So please, just leave me alone.Unless you’re going to set me free, I don’t want to talk to you again.And if you aren’t… Well, good.I’d rather be dead than face the world anyway because what’s adorable or frivolous to you haunts my goddamn soul, and if you can’t understand that, then you don’t understand me.And you never will.”
His arm weakly falls when I break away from him, standing taller while still somehow feeling shorter as I retreat.
I don’t know if I meant everything I said.If I’d rather be dead than face the world.
Yes.I think yes.But maybe no.
I don’t want to die.It’s just so hard to live with myself.
“I used to have sex for money.”
I stop at the sound of his voice and listen to his steps approaching.
“Sometimes it was for food.Most of the time it was for drugs.”
“Okay,” I say as if I’m not impressed.As if that’s as cute as what he claims my darkest secret is.
“I’d only ever let guys blow me, but one night, this guy offered me two hundred bucks and a hit of crack if I let him rub his cock against my ass.He reeked of BO and had black, rotted teeth that smelled like death.I was certain he hadn’t showered in at least a week.”
