Page 74 of Arseni
“But you said yes,” I say, still sounding unimpressed, even as my chest tightens.
“Yes.”He steps up to my back, hovering his hands beside my shoulders.Almost touching, but not quite.Like he’s uncertain.Like he’s ashamed.
“We drove out by the lake, and he gave me the hit ahead of time… I don’t know what I was thinking.I mean I wasn’t, I was high as shit, but I still should’ve seen what was coming.He beat the shit out of me before he raped and left me stranded on the side of a dirt road.I remember looking up at the stars and wishing I’d die.I just laid there praying a car would come and run me over, but it didn’t, and I got tired of waiting.”
He brings his hands back, the tension they caused my shoulders retreating.I wish he’d put them back.I wish I’d turn around.But I’m just stuck, my ears buzzing as I concentrate on his voice.
“So I got up and walked down a path until I was on a cliff overlooking the lake.I was so wasted I knew I wouldn’t be able to swim to shore, so I just … let myself fall.”
He doesn’t go on.I think that’s the end of the story, but if it was, he’d be lying in a numbered grave next to the rest of the unclaimed bodies.
Slowly, I turn, keeping my face a blank mask, though I get the sudden urge to hug him.He doesn’t look affected by this.He looks empty, but I know that’s far from the truth.
I abandoned him just like he knew I would.He was seventeen then, a year before emancipating.
What could his life have looked like if I had been there for him?
He must’ve asked himself the same question.I picture him seeing me after years have passed, and his hatred makes more sense.I did nothing to him.Nothingforhim.No one did.That’s the point.
“What happened next?”I ask, my voice small.
He lifts a shoulder like it hardly matters.“A guy jumped in after me and pulled me to shore.Gave me CPR.He brought me home with him and tied me to a bed for a week just to force me sober.I thought he was a serial killer for the first several days, but when I came out of it, I was grateful.He let me crash for a while, gave me some new clothes, got me a job.Showed me how to shoot a gun.He was Bratva, so… That’s how that happened.”
“What was his name?”I ask, though I already know.I don’t know how, I just … do.
“Luka.”
I nod at the confirmation, my lungs feeling shrunken.
I’m sorry.I have the urge to say it, but it would reek of pity.I know Arseni well enough to know it’s the last thing he would want.
“I never told him what happened before he found me that night,” he goes on.“You’re the only person who knows.”
My lips lower into a frown while I move my gaze to his hands, wishing I was courageous enough to hold them.I know what he’s saying to me.
See?I care.
My chest feels full, so full it pushes up into my throat until it feels like I’ve swallowed a frog.
“The truth is, Margot, I’m a broken fucking mess.I live in a dirty trailer, drive a car with a floorboard you can’t even see because it’s so full of trash.I have no real friends.No family.Every time I see a stranger who even slightly resembles me, I wonder if they’re one of my parents.I’ve only felt like family to someone once in my life and got burned.The idea of letting anyone close scares the shit out of me.
“The way I feel aboutyouscares the shit out of me.Because I know I’m not good enough for you, and I know you must see that.The second you stop needing me for survival, I’m gonna be some wet dream you run away from, and I deserve that.I do.But what I’m feeling for you is not lust, and I can’t let you lock yourself in the basement thinking it is.”
Brown eyes shine at me with so much sincerity, so much earnestness that I feel myself leaning Arseni’s way, as if he’s pulling me toward him.
“Arseni,” I whisper, though I don’t know what else to say.
You’re not a wet dream.
You’re not a mess.
You’re just broken.You’re beautifully shattered into a thousand pieces that sparkle like diamonds, and all I want more than anything in the world is to put those pieces back together.I want to hold you and kiss you and love you the way you try to make me love myself.
I want you.
Trash and all.
I can’t say any of that.I don’t have enough air in my lungs to try.
