Hazel reluctantly informs me, “This was a one-day thing, babes. My plane leaves from Traverse City at 8:30.”
I can’t help but pout now that I know this isn’t going to be an all weekend thing. Of course I know she has her own life to get back to, but selfishly, I had hoped she would stay after what all just happened. My emotions are running rampant right now; I catch Simon’s eyes in the rear view, but he quickly looks away acting as if he wasn’t just fully listening to our entire conversation.
Unaware, Hazel smiles and kisses my cheek. “LeyLey, you’ve got me for four more hours, and we will make the most of it. We will cuddle, watchThe Princess Bride, and pretend all of this never happened, okay?”
I nod— that honestly sounds perfect and just what I need with my best friend. Simon drives us home, the rest of the way is silent, and music plays quietly in the background.
We pull up to my apartment, and I try to remember if I had given him my address or just told him the complex. Had I said anything? I can’t remember, my mind is such a mess right now.
Simon gets out of the car and opens the door for Hazel and me. When I step out onto the sidewalk, he takes an uncomfortably close step toward me. I glance his way to see his face flushed and his hand rubbing the back of his neck. He stammers, “I-If you ever want to g-go on a d-date or something, I’m h-here… waiting… any t-time.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him it will never happen, but I nod and start pulling Hazel toward the building. “Thanks for the ride home. We appreciate it.” Before he even has a chance to respond, I hurry Hazel along and run inside.
Hazel turns to me as we walk into the apartment. “C’mon. Bed,now.“ She grabs my hand and I am once again reminded that no matter what happens, she’s my constant— and I am so fucking thankful that I have her.
“I love you, Haze,” I whisper as I get my door unlocked.
“I love you too, Leyley.” She smiles back, squeezing my hand tight. “Now, let’s go. Dread Pirate Roberts is calling our names.”
I can’t help but laugh as we head to the bedroom and talk and spend time until her rideshare comes to pick her up hours later.
When she’s gone, I pull out my phone and text Cameron. I haven’t heard from him since this afternoon, and even though my mind is still unorganized and conflicted, I’m worried about him.
Chapter 17
Mistakes Made
Cameron
Fuck.
The thoughts that spiraled around in my head were all so fucking loud and it wouldn’t stop.
I hurt her. The one thing I swore to never do was hurt her, and I did it. The pain that sits in the base of my spine, crawling up from how tense my shoulders are. The thoughts want to do terrible things, and I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not him. I’mnotmy father.
The day is undone by a single moment that flashed in my memories, and the self-doubt and my fucking father’s words echoed in the forefront of my mind. In that room, I hadn’t been a twenty-six year old man, I was that twelve year old kid again, being beaten with a belt for not coming home on time. I could smell the whiskey on his breath like I was there.Like he was there.
The horrible truth was painfully simple: I had wanted to hurt her. And that makes me a fucking monster, just like my dad. The flashbacks threaten to come back as I drive aimlessly, but I can’t let them.
No– NO.
I switch gears in the car and take off at a breakneck speed hoping and praying that there isn’t a cop hiding nearby, that’s the last thing I need right now. I just know I need to get away, and I need to do it fast.
“You fucking idiot, useless–fucking useless!”
I hit my steering wheel hard, hitting it over and over again until my hands are stinging with pain.
FUCK. Fuck. fuck. FU–no.
That word echoes around in my psyche as I finally regain some semblance of a normal breathing pattern and flashes of today play back in my mind. How did I fuck it up so badly when it was going so fucking well?
I should know better that I’ll never deserve someone as good and pure as her. Someone who when she looks at me doesn’t look at me like I’m this fucking broken thing of a man. She sees me for me, not the child of a monster. I found her again, I fucking found her and I lost her all in one fucking day. My phone buzzes with a message from her, and I ignore it.
I don’t deserve her.
I keep driving, not stopping until I finally get my breathing down to a safe level. Skidding to a stop on the shoulder of the road, I fling my door open and fall to my knees on the gravel.
How is it that someone who is dead still has such a hold over my soul and all the broken parts of me that he caused? Thathebroke? My chest feels as though it could collapse in on itself with the force of a supernova. Why did I have to turn out like this? Why can’t I just forget everything and just move on? I want to place my childhood in a box and ditch it deep in the countryside so that even if it got loose, there would be no one around for it to hurt.
