Page 24 of The Moments You Miss
But I hurt, as much as I want to deny it and lock it away, I do. And I hurt people— worst of all, I hurther.
I have to get ahold of myself. This is my mess, but I’m not going to let one fucking moment ruin what I’ve been building with Leyla. I will get her back. I’ll prove to her that I’m worthy of her.
I take a breath and stand up, brushing the dirt off my pants. I pull out my phone and call the man who has always helped keep me grounded and has done too many favors for me to count— Zack, my best friend. And as if on cue, he picks up after one ring.
“Cam? The fucks wrong?” His voice is raspy, it’s clear he is busy, but he always makes the time for me. I’m silent for a moment, trying to figure out what the fuck I say. “Cameron?” Zack says a bit louder, trying to wrap my attention back to him.
“I lost it, Zack,” I finally squeak out. “I lost it on her. Onher.“ I clear my throat in hopes that it will clear the pressure that’s been building up in it. “We were on a fucking group date, and I had a flashback— I-I… I choked her, Z.” The guilt is present in my voice as I take a deep breath. “What do I do?” I feel the pressure growing in my chest again, as I place my hand on my heart.
“I thought you… had it under control?” Zack’s voice is vague and unfeeling, just like the bastard always is. And yet, he somehow always knows what to do or say to keep my feet on the ground.
I begin pacing as I try to keep my breathing steady. “I did. I had… had… therapy last week.” I try to get out, trying to get my hands to keep from shaking; I keep my voice as strong as I can, doing my best not to stutter.
What the fuck is wrong with me? This isn’t me. This isn’t what I do or how I act— just like Leyla had tried to say to me.
“You need to talk to her, Cam. Tell her the fucking truth because you’re gonna drive yourself crazy if you don’t. You know what you do and what you’re like. Don’t fucking come to me crying cause you are scared of what you’ve done. ‘Cause that doesn’t change who you are. If she’s anything like you’ve told me, you better be honest with her ’cause she ain’t stupid.” His voice is solid, and his Tennessee twang makes him seem wise beyond his years.
I know that I have to listen to him, he’s not wrong. I’m just scared that I’m going to lose everything the moment I set the truth free.
“You’re right… You’re right.” The confidence grows in my voice when I repeat the words, as the world isn’t moving as fast and isn’t as loud.
“Yea, I know. Gotta go, Cam. Talk to her. Text me later.” I don’t even get to say goodbye as he hangs up on me and I let out a sigh. I guess it’s time to be honest with her about my past.
Making my way back to the car, I pull my phone out and read her message. I will tell her the truth about me, just... not today. I’ve done enough damage for one day. I’ll let her have those last few hours with her friend before she had to catch her flight, and some time to handle what she just went through. Right now, I doubt she needs me begging for forgiveness like some fool.
I don’t deserve her, but I still want her.
Putting my car in drive I blast someBad Omensand head back to the safety of Maplewood.
Chapter 18
Cherry
Leyla- The Next Day
Cameron hasn’t texted me back since our meet up with Hazel and Simon. It’s to the point I’m getting kind of worried. I texted Zack, as Cameron had given me his number in case of emergency and this is starting to feel like one. I ask if he has heard anything from Cam, my hands shaking viciously as I do; and I just stare at the text thread after it’s sent, willing him to respond right away.
Today just feelswrongand I can’t quite pinpoint why. I dig around in my drawer, pulling out my pocketknife that I used to keep on me at all times. It’s pink with a long switchblade and hasLeyLeyetched into the plastic handle— a gift from Hazel in high school. As she said ‘every bad bitch needs her own weapon’.
Why had I stopped carrying it? I don’t know, but I know it makes for a good fidget because of the easy-press latch. I carry it around with me as I wait for Zack to respond, needing some sort of outlet for the nervous energy that’s building up in me.
Looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom when my anxious pacing takes me here, I feelweird.Like I’m not attached to the person that I’m looking at. Quickly, I splash some cold water on my face in hopes that maybe it’ll shock my system to center again. The nerves that I’m feeling threaten to overwhelm me and I don’t know what else to do. I press call on my phone, and, not even a moment later, Alex is on the phone.
“Hey sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Alex asks me, her motherly instincts so clear and comforting. I immediately feel better hearing her voice. Something familiar and grounding.
“I know this is super last minute, but do you have time to grab lunch?” my voice belaying the nerves that are consuming me whole. I need to tell her what’s been going on, and I need to do it now. I’ve officially hit my limit and I know that if I don’t get something out, I’ll explode.Or implode.“I know you’re super busy, but– actually, never mind– it’s dumb… I’m just overreacting.”
Alex interrupts me, “Meet me at Harvey’s Diner in twenty? I told you, I’ll always make time for you.” Relief floods my veins, taking the edge off my impending mental breakdown; like Tylenol to a migraine.
I release a slow breath and nod although she can’t see me, quickly responding in the affirmative. “Y-Yea. Harvey’s Diner. See you soon.” She says her goodbyes and I head off towards Harvey’s, as quickly as I can.
Making my way through the downtown area of Maplewood, I walk with purpose and make it to the diner in what has to be recordtime. As soon as I step inside, I see Detective Alexandra already waiting for me, her dusty brown hair clipped into a short pixie. Waving, I make my way over and she’s up and wrapping her arms around me tight.
My face can’t hide the utter fear and worry that’s been consuming me whole, as her smile falls and concern creases the space between her brows. She moves me to sit down in the booth, her sitting on the same side as me. “Leyla, what’s going on? You can tell me anything.”
So, I do. I tell Alex everything that’s been happening. From the roses that I’d been receiving to the funeral arrangement in my apartment, Cameron, the visit with Hazel, and I even tell her about the reuniting with Simon too. Her face portrays nothing as she lets me get everything out.
“And now Cameron’s not responding to me, and I know that’s the least of my problems… I can’t help but feel that somehow he realized it was all too much, and I was too much for him.”
