And yet…
I knew Spencer. I knew him better than he might suspect I did, and I knew two important facts about him. One, he loved sex. He'd been obnoxiously open about his sex life, and he'doften talked about his exploits with my brother. I knewwaymore about whom he'd fucked and how than I ever wanted to know. Two, which was closely related to one, he wasn't at all shy. Given those two facts, I had a small sliver of hope that he would get over his bewilderment and consider the positives of my suggestion.
He still had my cold hand in his warm one, and he tightened his hold on it, angling his face away from me in suspicion. "You wantmeto have sex withyou?"
I looked around. "Unless you want me to ask some other rando."
"I'm confused."
"I noticed."
"Bee," he scowled, suddenly a little irritated. Ah, another first. It was soverydifficult to ruffle Mr. Perfect's feathers, and here I was—rufflin'. "Are you suggesting that I take your virginity because you honestly believe no one would find you desirable enough to do it?"
I squinted up in thought. "Not necessarily. I'm sure I could con someone into doing it."
"Jesus Christ," he muttered.
"But you have experience, you kind of owe me, and most importantly, I won't feel as much pressure about dating if I just get it over with." I glanced down at his hand where it held mine between us. "Plus, you won't get attached to me."
"Oh, I won't?" he asked with dry derision.
I hooked him with one of my hard stares. "No, you won't. Because if you were going to get all besotted with me, you would have done it years ago. You don't have to lie to spare my feelings. It's better this way. I have felt so much pressure all this time to find theperfectpartner, the one who would accept that I was a virgin without balking, who would be okay with me being a workaholic who's never around, who would accept all thefucked up, emotionally stunted crazy that comes with me. I kept waiting, but they never appeared.
"I think it's because that might have been…" I faltered, my voice weakening. "Unrealistic," I finished finally. I'd wanted to say "selfish," but I couldn't voice that out loud. Expecting a human being to be better than I was, to accept more than I would have been willing to accept in another person was humiliatingly foolish. I saw that, now.
"Why now?" Spencer asked, his features composed and steady again.
I shrugged one shoulder. "It's kind of like staring at a snow globe as a kid and being fascinated with the magic inside. Then it breaks, and you realize it's just plastic, chemicals, and glitter. I've been holding onto this weird idea about my future, and now that I can't have it—not the way I wanted it—I'm tired of waiting. I don't want to be a virgin standing around waiting for someone to come along and fix that. I want to experience that on my own terms. And you just married me and made it ten times harder. So, why not? I might as well do it."
"With me," he clarified baldly.
"I mean, you're attractive," I admitted begrudgingly. "And experienced. What else is there?"
"'What else is there?'" he repeated before quoting, "'How to offend women in five syllables or less.'"
I grinned. "I wasn't sure if you remembered watching that."
"'The Swan Princess?' How could I forget?" He rubbed his face, chuckling. "You gotso angryat us for laughing at your macaroni and cheese before the movie started."
"I made you lunch!" I said, half outraged and half laughing. "And you laughed at it. You bastards."
"That wasn't macaroni and cheese," Spencer said, tugging on my hand so I was forced to step closer to him. "It was cheese and pasta soup."
"I did my best," I grumbled.
"Cooking has never been your talent." He placed his hands on my upper arms, his touch almost soothing. "And I didn'tmeanto laugh at you, I appreciated the gesture. But it was a little funny."
"And what about now?" I asked, sobering. "Are you going to accept my gesture, now?"
"What, your sex gesture?" His tone was joking, but his features were a calm winter pond. "Arabella, I can't fuck you just for funsies so you can lose your virginity."
"Why?" I asked, my throat getting suspiciously tight. There was no way getting rejected bySpencerwas about to make me cry. Lock that shit up.
"Because it's wrong," he replied like that should have been obvious. "You're—I'm already tangled up in your life."
Relief washed through me momentarily. He hadn’t said I was a hideous hag, so I could work with that. "Right, so you might as well," I challenged. "Unless you really don't find me attractive."
"I do," he replied swiftly, his dark eyes finding mine. "I do—find you attractive, that is. But you're upset and you're confused. It would be taking advantage."