He kept his attention on eating, making me think he might not finish his thought. However, he had built up the courage by the time he finished his pastry. “You said you were this way as a kid. Is it because you felt you needed to be useful to Arsène and his family so they would let you keep living with them?”
“It seems I’m not the only observant one.” I leaned back against the cushions in surprise. “MamanandPapatook great pains to reassure me that I always had a place with them, no matter what. I tried to repay their kindness of giving me a home, which extended to taking care of Arsène.”
“Have you ever wanted to do anything else?”
I shook my head. “Not really. Working for my best friend is the best job ever. Few people let me be unapologetically myself. Making his life easier so he can focus on his art brings me deep joy. Plus, there are benefits I’ve enjoyed in the past with entertaining his models and traveling the world. I have no regrets about following him to America, especially when it led me to you.”
My latter comment brought a sweet blush to his cheeks. “How can you be so smooth this early? My brain is barely on.”
“And yet, you’ve figured out another secret of mine,” I teased him. “Not even Arsène knows that one.”
“Really?”
“Oui. It would hurt him if he thought my childhood debt to his family played any role in why I’ve stayed by his side this long.” That was one of the few things I had ever hidden from him. “It’s not my only or main reason for being with him. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say there was a small part of me that wants to look after him, Isidore, and their parents. That’s the least I can do to repay them for taking such good care of me when I was at my most vulnerable.”
“And to make sure they don’t abandon you, too.”
It hit me hard that he understood that deep-seated fear that no amount of rationalizing could convince me would never happen. “It’s not a daily anxiety, but I won’t deny that it lingers in the dark shadows of my heart’s oldest scars.”
I didn’t expect him to get up and come over to straddle himself over my lap to give me a hug. My arms encircled around him to hold him close, drawing comfort from his gesture and his reassuring weight against my body.
Zio stunned me once more. “You’re just like my brother. He only likes casual hookups because someone who doesn’t matter can’t hurt you if you never let them into your heart. It’s so lonely.”
I squeezed him tighter in my hold. “Not since I met you.”
Once again, he caught me off guard when he drew back to give me a kiss that was full of emotions that translated how he felt without words. It was a soothing balm to my soul that I only recently realized had been aching from being empty for too long. Like the gold in his pottery, Zio’s sunshine filled all my broken cracks and made me not just whole but better than ever before.
* * *
I celebrated gettingZio off to his conference with time to spare with a leisurely breakfast on the outside patio. While he wasn’t with me, my mind was full of thoughts about him. I tried to understand how he had slipped through my defenses to find the real me I hid from everyone else but Arsène.
Zio not only saw me but understood the parts of me I took great care to never show anyone. My soul reached out to him, turning toward him like a sunflower seeking out the sunlight after a long storm. I of course wished to indulge in the carnal pleasures of our bodies uniting as one. But I also ached to hold him in my arms and just be near him. It was why I had stayed up late the previous night, savoring the peace that holding him gave me. When I barely knew him, it amazed me that for the first time in my life, someone who wasn’t Arsène gave me the same sense of home, security, and comfort that I secretly craved. It made me never want to let Zio go. When he wasn’t mine to keep, that left me with an uncomfortable sadness I refused to dwell on and let ruin a beautiful day.
Instead of going out to explore on my own, I returned to my room to contact the only person I could talk to about my confusion. Arsène answered my video call, looking handsome in his maroon cardigan with a high collar over a white T-shirt. Both he and his younger brother, Isidore, had chiseled features that gave them an aristocratic air that I loved teasing them about any chance I could. He was scruffier than normal, but it made him more attractive.
“Bonjour,mon ami. I’m impressed you’re awake at this hour,” I teased. “I’m jealous of how easily Felix can get you up in the morning.”
Arsène rolled his hazel eyes, but he still chuckled. “It is not just in the morning, I assure you.”
Dragging him into the gutter with me was always a delight. “With a lover as tempting as him, it must be morning, noon, and night,non?”
Too classy to confirm, he deflected with humor and his trademark lack of contractions. I loved teasing him about how old-fashioned his speech patterns made him sound. “When you are entertaining many lovers in Hawaii, it is amazing you have time to spare a thought about mine.”
“How like you to get straight to the heart of the matter.” It was both a blessing and a curse of having an insightful best friend who knew every intimate part of me. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but there haven’t been any lovers this trip.”
“Are you unwell, or did you suddenly develop standards?”
I laughed hard at his question. “Are those my only two choices?”
He lost some of his playfulness as he became concerned. “What happened?”
“I may have met my Felix.”
His eyes grew wide at my statement. It wasn’t one I made lightly. Arsène had the same sexually adventurous spirit as I did, which meant he used to keep things casual and fun as he enjoyed himself with countless beautiful men. But when he fell in love with his boyfriend, he became devoted only to him. “When did this happen?”
“My first night here.” I smiled as I remembered Zio sitting by himself as he watched the ocean. “I met a man who saw straight through to the real me. I’ve yet to enjoy the pleasure of being inside him, but being with him already feels like home.”
Arsène was the only person who understood how profound that emotion was for me. “Who is he?”
