“His name is Zio Revello. He’s a graduate student at Sunnyside University in the Japanese department.”
It was hard not to laugh at Arsène’s stunned expression. “I must confess, that was not the answer I was expecting.”
“He’s here for an academic conference, but he came a few days early to explore the island. We’ve been sightseeing together as we get to know each other better. It’s the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.”
“It seems there is a ‘but’ coming.”
“That’s because there is. He’s always identified as straight, so he’s struggled with his attraction to me.”
Arsène tilted his head as he regarded me. “Is that the only issue?”
“I don’t just want him for a night of fun. I’m not interested in him being a plaything I enjoy during my time here and then never see again.” Pausing, I took a moment to steady myself before saying out loud the words I never thought I’d say. “My heart wishes to hold him tight and never let him go, Arsène. Everything in me wants to keep him when he’s not mine.”
“Then make him yours.”
I scowled at his response. “To have him enjoy the sexual pleasures of being with me is one thing. It’s something else entirely for him to accept having his first boyfriend.”
He was quiet for a moment as he studied me. “Does he understand that you are serious?”
“I’m not sure if he can overcome his perception of me as the playful guy at the bar who was in search of a fun evening.” The idea didn’t sit well with me.
Arsène frowned at my comment. “But you said he saw the real you?”
“He does, but his anxiety keeps trying to talk him out of believing in me.” I sighed with frustration. “I have no experience with convincing a man that I’m interested in his heart and not just his body.”
“If I may make a suggestion, I would encourage you to be honest with yourself and him,” Arsène said. “It is tempting to hide behind your normal mask of playfulness, but if you want an actual relationship with him, you must tell him how you feel. Do not joke about it, but speak to him from the depths of your heart with sincerity.”
I knew he was right, but it was hard for me to be so open after a lifetime of hiding my heart. “But what if that’s not enough? What if hearing I have genuine feelings after only a few days scares him away?”
“You said you have not had all of him yet, did you not?”
I nodded. “Being attracted to a man is an unfamiliar experience for him, so I don’t want to rush him into something he’s not comfortable with.”
Arsène tapped his chin as he mulled over a point. “If you were a woman, do you think it would be different?”
His question made me pause. “Zio doesn’t seem to be the type to have meaningless flings, regardless of gender. He’s already expressed fears about falling for me, which leads me to believe he can’t be with a partner without that.”
“Then he really is like my Felix.” Arsène chuckled at memories of the beginning of his relationship with his beloved. “He insisted we could be casual, but we had many conversations where he complained I was making it too difficult not to fall in love with me. It should have been a warning sign to me to stay away, but nothing in the world could have kept me from being drawn to his bright flame.”
“With his fiery spirit, you never had a chance of resisting him.” I had known that from my very first encounter with Felix.
His knowing smile said so much. “I know that now. But I still tried to resist it in the beginning because I had no use for love in my life.”
That was a fact I knew all too well. When we were young, Arsène was who I had wished to cherish. However, I had given that up when I realized he had no interest in being tied down by a romantic relationship. My feelings for him had morphed into a brotherly affection. Afterward, I had been convinced I would never love anyone else. But that part of my heart that had lain dormant for so long had stirred to life because of Zio. “How did you come to accept that you wanted to love him?”
“My confession accidentally poured out of my soul as I spoke to him about my confusion. I had not realized until that moment I felt that way, but I knew every word was true. Any fear I had of regretting being so open with him was washed away by the joy of having him return my feelings.”
“But I’ve never loved anyone.”
Arsène’s expression clearly stated I was wrong. “Non, you have neverletyourselfbein love with someone. There is a difference,mon ami. You have lived your entire life in fear of love because your parents withheld it from you. But you also have a lifetime of knowing how wonderful it can be because of our family. I refuse to accept that you are incapable of loving a partner with all of yourself once you choose to.”
His words touched a chord deep within me, but I had one fear I couldn’t quite shake. “But what if he doesn’t want me?” Besides my parents’ rejection of me, my entire love life had involved men who had no use for me after having a good time.
“If he did not, your heart would not be ready to let him in,” Arsène pointed out. “You would have had your fun with him for a night and been gone in the morning without a second thought.”
“But what do I do if he’s too afraid to be with me?”
The sympathetic expression in Arsène’s eyes consoled me. “You talk to him about his fears and demonstrate why he should entrust his heart to you.”
