Page 22 of Outside the Lines
When I came back out of the bathroom, Alex was sitting up in bed. I'd chosen not to take the towel out with me. "Hey," I said.
He smiled at me. "Good morning."
I felt his gaze follow me around his bedroom while I gathered up my things, but there was no lingering hunger or need that I felt from him. I was naked and I wasn't sure if he still wanted me. "Is everything okay?" I asked him.
He nodded and yawned. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"You don't regret last night?"
Alex looked from me, then to the side of the bed where I'd slept, then back to me. He cocked his head to the side. "Do you think I don't want you anymore?"
I smirked at him. "I'm naked and you're not tossing me onto the bed."
He grabbed my wrist and brought me down beside him. There was actually a bit of tossing, and then him pinning me down, and I thought we were going to have sex again. But then he tickled me. And he kept tickling me as I squirmed beneath him and laughed so loudly that I thought his neighbors could hear us.
Then, as abruptly as he'd started, he stopped. He leaned over me and he kissed me. "I do want you. Absolutely I do. But I also need to get to work, and I don't jump people and toss them anywhere. This morning I was going to ask you how you wanted to proceed after last night and make sure that you were okay with everything that we did."
I reached up and touched his cheek, and then his lips. He kissed my fingertips. "Why are you so worried about that?"
He sat back on the bed, giving me some room. "Because I don't know what was done to you and I don't want to trigger something or re-traumatize you in some way."
I got it. I sat up too. Then I pulled my knees up to my chest. I hadn't wanted to think about it either. It had been so easy not to. "Up until last night, I was a virgin in every sense of the word."
He nodded. "You don't have to talk about this right now."
Maybe I should have brought it up though before now. "But when I was a child, my dad used to let his friend babysit me. He liked kids but had never had any. He had dogs and rabbits and all kinds of other animals that I couldn't have, and my dad thought it would be good for me to be around them. So since this friend worked nights and my dad worked days sometimes, he'd watch me. He'd pick me up from school and take me back to his place." I shut my mouth.
"You don't have to do this," Alex said.
I tried to smile, but it broke apart before I could fully move my lips. "I know I don't. Thank you." But part of me wanted him to know. Part of me needed to have him know my secrets. "He…Um…” I shook my head. This was so hard and I suddenly had a lot more respect for the kids I talked to who could tell a complete stranger about what had happened to them. I sighed before I continued. “He used to take pictures of me." I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see Alex's face right now. "They were fine at first. But then they weren't. He told me what a good kid I was as I held still and let him take them. I didn't want to after a while, when he started wanting to take pictures of me with my clothes off, but he wouldn't let me play with the rabbits otherwise."
"How old were you when it started?" Alex's voice was soft and calm.
"Six. I was in first grade." I took a shaky breath. "As things progressed. As he started getting bolder. He would take his clothes off too when he would take pictures of me. Sometimes he touched himself while he was taking pictures. I didn't say anything."
"You wanted to play with the rabbits."
I nodded. And I didn't want my dad to be mad at me. "My dad used to tell me that he didn't have time for my things. And sometimes not even for me. His friend did, and by not saying anything I wasn't a burden on my dad. I let it continue." I wiped at my tears.
"You were a child," Alex tried to argue with me.
"I knew better."
"When did it stop?"
I shook my head. I wasn't sure if I could go there. But I needed to. I'd started and I needed to finish this. "He…Toward the end, he would take pictures with the two of us together without our clothes on. He'd kiss my cheek and have me sit on his lap. He'd tell me how much he liked having me come over. How it was his favorite part of the day. He'd kiss my cheek while he touched himself. He'd tell me how wonderful I was. How good I was. Then he'd let me get dressed and go play with the rabbits in his back yard until my dad came and got me. I was eleven when I finally told my dad. And I only did that because his friend had started touching me more and more. It was no longer enough that I got to play with the rabbits. They weren't worth what he wanted from me."
"What did your dad say?"
Alex looked miserable when I glanced up at him. "That I was making it all up and that his friend was a good man and how dare I say something so disgusting about him. Nothing changed. Only my dad had talked to his friend, and since my dad didn't believe me, his friend stopped being so nice to me. He was never rough with me, but he stopped telling me how good I was. I didn't get time with the rabbits anymore. He would pick me up, he would take me to his home, he would take off my clothes, and then he would do whatever he wanted to me until my dad came and got me. Mostly he watched me while he got off. I didn't tell my dad again."
"What made you leave finally?"
I knew Alex could probably guess. Telling Alex about my past was getting easier the more I said, as if I needed to finally tell someone everything that had happened. "Touching me wasn't enough for him anymore. He wanted sex."
"He wanted to rape you," Alex corrected me.
I nodded. "So I left."
