Page 7 of Shade
This isalwaysher answer.I don’t need saving. But then why does she call me when she’s in trouble? Why does she use me?
For years she’s told me she doesn’t have a problem. It’s not an addiction. She can quit at any time. It’s all lies because she can’t quit, clearly. Or maybe she could, and she just doesn’t want to. Either way, I’m done. I won’t do this with her anymore.
“You’re right. You’re fucking broken beyond saving. And I’m done,” I spit, rage-filled eyes stabbing her with my use of past tense. “I can’t fucking do it anymore. The simple fact of it is the best thing that has ever happened to me is you going back to using. I’ve finally hit rock bottom when it comes to you.”
I know I shouldn’t have said that, but I did. I want to storm out of here, rip myself from her life for good, but something stops me, and I lean into the wall, my body sagging as I slide down it, the emotions catching up with me.
“I can’t.” I crash and brace myself for what’s coming. My legs give way, my feet sliding against shards of glass. “I can’t do this anymore.”
For so long I’ve held in my emotions when it comes to Rhya and what she’s done to me over the years. Never really showing her the damage she’s caused, but I don’t want to anymore. I know I need to walk out of her life for good. I’m just not sure how to do it. I love her, and I shouldn’t. I don’t want to be in a relationship with her, but I do love her with all my heart. I want her to be better, to have a life filled with happiness, but I know that’s never going to happen.
My body shakes as she steps closer, one tentative step and then she’s sitting next to me, her knees drawn up to her chest and I’m reminded of every time I’ve had to go rescue her from some crack house she’s been in. I’ve found her in this exact position, on the floor, surrounded by broken glass, crying because she’d been used and abused for the sake of a high.
My eyes dart to her knees, red and torn up, no doubt from being on them while Gage was here. I imagine her giving him head, his hands in her hair shoving his cock down her throat all because she couldn’t pay for what she wanted to snort.
I can’t control my reaction to the images in my head, but it happens, my body reacting, the tears in my eyes spilling over my cheeks. There’s so much pain, hatred and sadness pouring from me I don’t even know what to make of it or what else to say.
I’ve never been one to cry. I can’t remember the last time I did, but this, knowing what I’m going to do next, it brings tears to my eyes because I tried for so goddamn long to save her and couldn’t. Why couldn’t I have been enough?
Rhya cries next to me. Not just any cry. It’s the kind of crying you think might never stop. She knows what’s happening. She knows what I have to do. It hurts more to look at her, burns even worse and kills me just as much. Despite being high and having her mind all over the place, by my reactions, she knows I’m leaving for good.
Minutes pass. Could be five. Could be five years. The amount of time it took for her to destroy our friendship completely.
My feet slide, and I attempt to stand, trying to brace myself but I can’t.
Instead, my head falls to my hands. “You’re destroying my fucking life, Rhya. Eventually, there’s going to be nothing left of me. Nothing.” I shake my head but still don’t look at her and instead focus on her mattress on the floor and the sheets pulled up at the corners remembering a time when I was with her on that same mattress, confessing a love she’d never return to me. I can’t say what I was telling her that night would have gone anywhere, but four years ago, at seventeen, I was in love with her. And I told her only to have her break my heart, over and over again. “It’s all about you, and me trying to save you. I can’t do it anymore because it’sdestroyingme.” I pull myself up to stand, strong and tall, hands that have held her up for years shoved deep in the pockets of my jeans and I step toward the door. “I’m tired. I’m just so fucking tired of your shit.”
When I’m reaching for the door handle, she looks up and asks, “Are you ever coming back?”
I don’t look at her. I can’t. “No.”
I’m staring at the handle of the door, begging myself to turn it and walk out of her life forever when she whispers behind me, “Do you honestly believe I want to be this way, Shade?”
I do believe she wants to be this way.
My jaw clenches, my teeth grinding against each other. This time I look at her. I turn on my heel and face a hopeless girl who will never understand what she’s done to everyone around her.
Me, my brothers, Willa, Reece, she’s let us all down.
“Yes, I do. I think you want to be this way because it’s your fucked up way of trying to forget everything that’s happened to you.” I know I shouldn’t say this next part, but I’m so angry the words just keep coming. “Fucked up shit has happened to you. I get it. I do. I’m sorry your dad molested you. I’m sorry your uncle took innocence from you when he should have protected you. I’m sorry Jaime didn’t know what the meaning of no meant that night. I’m sorry forall that, and we both know that I understand the meaning ofI’m sorry, but you’ve done this to yourself. You needed to choose happiness. It doesn’t choose you.”
Paralyzed with shock I said those things to her, brought up her past to slap it across her face, it takes her a moment before she reacts. And when she does, her body trembles with rage in front of me, the memories she keeps hidden down deep surfacing like they’re coming up for air, gasping and clutching onto her heart. “How dare you throw all that up in my face again!” she screams at me, crying uncontrollably.
Standing my ground, I shake my head and bury my hands in my pockets. “No. You don’t get to push that on me. I didn’t throw anything in your face. I spoke the truth. You’re taking offense to it because you’ve never faced the reality of it. Yes, bad shit has happened to you, but it doesn’t give you the right to hurt and use others because of it. I loved you, and you never saw it, you just used me for what you needed and ignored the fact that I had any feelings at all.”
“Youlovedme, Shade?” She laughs through tears as though it’s entertaining to her, saying my name like I’m a star she’ll never touch. In her eyes, I am. I always will be because she lets me.
Her jaw clenches, her face hardening into what, I’m not sure. Defiance?
Ripping the oversized T-shirt over her head, she tosses it aside, her fragile body bare for me to see. She’s completely naked, but that’s not what’s shocking to me. It’s the bruises, the bones, the scars, all of it. Everything screams damage and I know it’s more than skin deep.
“You can’t love someone like me. I’m a motherfuckingcurse.” She shakes her head, eyes on the floor and the glass.
Carefully, I draw in a deep breath, shrugging, and the breath. . . it feels like I’ve been dying to take that breath since I met her. I don’t want to see her like this, but I know why she did it. She wants me to walk out that door and leave for good. “That’s my problem. I don’t know that I can ever stop helping you, but I know I need to.”
Just as I’m leaving, reality starts to set in and she makes one final attempt to keep me there, her cold hand grips my elbow.
“I know you’re going to walk out of my life for good now, but would it change your mind if I told you I wanted you to stay?” Her question’s weak, like her will to stay clean, but I hear what she’s really trying to say.
