Page 6 of Shade
Apparently not.
I run a shaking hand through my hair. “Why even go then? Do you even know what damage you cause every time you pull this shit on me, or do I really matter that little to you?”
She nods, blinking slowly, cold and collected, as if nothing in the world can affect her now. “I do care about you, Shade, and Iamsorry you’re upset.”
“Sorry I’m upset. . . but not sorry you got high the moment you were out? Did you honestly think I wouldn’t find out?” I can barely even get these words out. There’s so much anger emanating from me that speaking is an effort. “Because that’s pretty fucked up, Rhya.”
Her eyes dart away, unable to look at me. “I know.” Her voice breaks, like the glass beneath her and I feel a jolt of nausea hit me.
You know in poker when you can tell when someone’s bluffing? Well, this is Rhya trying to bluff me.
I swallow over the acid rising up, continuing to watch her.
“I’mreallysorry.” Tears surface, soak her cheeks and my heart. “I. . . I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you, Shade.”
Lies. All fucking lies.
“Love me?” I laugh in her face, shoving her lightly back against the wall and trapping her in there so my words will hold her in place. “That’s bullshit.Bull. Fucking. Shit. You don’t love me. You don’t know how to love someone else. The only thing you love is addiction. You’ll lie, steal, or hell, you’ll even fuck your way to get what you want.”
Knowing I’m crossing a line, I back up from her, just a step, I can’t take the heat, the way my mind reacts when I’m around her.
But then I think, go ahead. For once maybe I should show her what a piece of shit I can be. Maybe now I should show her something other than forgiveness, and she’ll finally understand what she’s done.
“I hate you, Rhya. I fuckinghate youfor what you’ve done and who you’ve become to me over the years. . . . ” My eyes shift from hers to the floor, the wall, the window, then search bloodshot eyes that have no depth or reason. “I hate that I believed you, constantly, and you fucking use me. You’ve used me from the beginning.” I should shut up, but I don’t. I want her to feel the hurt and agony I have. She needs to understand what she’s done. “I want to be done, Rhya. I don’t want to be friends with you or even know you anymore. I want you to feel just an ounce of the pain you cause me. But I can never seem to do that. And you know it. Hell, you bank on it. I hear your voice and I come running thinking maybe I can save you this time. Maybe I can bring you back.” My eyes burn so I turn away, hiding what she doesn’t deserve to see.
But then I turn back because you know,fuck her, let her see it. Fuck this goddamn shit she puts me through. Let her see my pain. Maybe this will be the time she finally understands it. I’m so frustrated and lost and consumed by this anger I can’t even see straight. The words spilling from me, from my chest, leave me bitter and never so vulnerable. The anger makes me hazy, and I’m doing and saying things I might not mean, but then again, I do.
I drag my eyes from hers, sighing. I’m exhausted. I’m so fucking done with this. “I came here to tell youI’m done. I came here to see your face when I told you I won’t be here the next time you need me.”
She says nothing. Just watches me as if she’s unfazed by anything I’m saying.
“No more lies. I want you to say it.” I stare at her, my eyes narrowing.
She knows what I want her to say. I don’t have to explain myself. Not this time. “Shade. . . I. . . .” She reaches for me, but I refuse and fling my arm from her grasp.
“No. More. Lies. Don’t make any excuses. Tell me you’re high. Tell me you used me, and Gage was here because you wanted him here not because he just showed up.” I turn to the broken window, arms crossed over my chest. “Own up to it. Say it.” I glance over my shoulder at her, then turn around, wanting to see her reaction. “Tell me you did it.”
Her voice is as weak as her will to survive life when she whispers, “I used again.”
“Why?” I ask with a slow exhale, my face contorted in pain and confusion.
She doesn’t answer me. She bites her lip, chewing on her next lie.
“What? Are you going to tell me you don’t even know?” She shakes her head, and I flinch, a dagger to my heart. “And I’m supposed to believe that?”
“Yes.”
“What did I tell you?” I’m in her face again, demanding, refusing to let up. “I told you to stay away from Gage. He’s the one guy I asked you to stay away from.I fucking begged youto stay away from him.” God, I’m so fucking disgusted with her I can’t even look at her. “Reece knows too.” Unable to stand still any longer, I pace the floor, my feet crunching in the broken glass. Disappointment in myself gnaws at me, and I bite my nails, a nervous habit I’ve had my entire life. “You know he’s going to be here next wanting to know what the fuck your problem is.”
Her shoulders lift in a careless shrug. “I fuck up everyone’s lives.”
I’m not letting her feel sorry for herself. Not today. “Yes, you do, Rhya, because you fucking let yourself. You are sofuckingselfish that you’re blind to everything around you. You can’t see everyone you’re hurting anymore.” I pant through heavy breaths, the rage nearly consuming me entirely.
She reaches for the pack of cigarettes on the counter. “What is it that you want me to say, Shade? You’re obviously looking for an answer, and we both know I don’t have one for you. At least not one you’re going to like.”
“Jesus Christ, Rhya. . .why?” I knock the cigarettes out of her hand. “Why wasn’t I enough?” I ask, my words rough with the unrelenting anger rooting me in front of her. “I gave youeverythingyou needed. Why couldn’t I be enough to save you?”
Her eyes dart to the ceiling as though this, standing here with me is the last thing she wants to be doing. “I don’t need saving.” She shakes her head and throws her arms up in the air, dejectedly.
