Page 8 of Shade
She wants me to feel guilty. While she might be addicted to cocaine and God knows what else, I was her first addiction. She turns to me to escape the emotional pain of her reality. When I don’t work, she turns to the other. This is her reaching out, and part of me thinks I shouldn’t leave. The other knows I need to.
“Why?” I ask, turning to face her, my brow drawing together. “Whywould you want me to stay? What would staying do for either of us?”
Rhya breathes softly. “I don’t know.”
Look at her face. She doesn’t know. It’s not a lie. Probably the first truth she’s ever told me.
I don’t say anything and continue to watch her.
Her dilated eyes are empty, like a needy devil.
Frustration pulses through my veins, clawing at my will to remain civil with someone who constantly takes from me.
Again, she says nothing, her mind in another place all together. I think some people can’t help being sad. Something inside them forces them to shut out the rest of the world and wallow in a misery they won’t allow anyone including themselves to understand. It’s something that shoves them to the edge of darkness and has them teetering on the edge of control.
That’s what happened to Rhya. She was pushed. But she’s also never tried to climb her way back out of it. She let herself slowly disappear alone in the blackness of the isolation.
She stares at me. Probably waiting for me to fall to her feet and beg her to be better. For me. For us. For herself, but you know, I’m tired of begging her to do anything.
Her eyes move to mine and they tear at my chest. I feel her in every part of my soul, and that’s the overwhelming and consuming part about this.
Being near her isn’t healthy for either of us. It’s a fucking slow and painful death sentence.
My eyes squeeze shut and I know she sees the pain. It’s falling from me and landing at her feet where I’ve always been. She can’t say she loves me and mean it any more than I can tell her I love her and it makes a difference.
“If you’re not enough for yourself, then I’ll never be enough for you. Remember, Rhya, you choose happiness. I can’t choose it for you.”
Rhya Morgan will destroy you, lie, cheat, steal. . . anything to make you think she means it. She’s torn me apart to the point there’s no repair.
Tears well up in her eyes again and I think, no, maybe she finally understands. Her words tremble with, “That’s always been the problem. We’re not the same people, Shade. Happiness isn’t a choice for me. It may be for you, a guy who has it all, but it was taken from me,” she mumbles, each word more drawn-out than the last.
I nod. She’s just giving me excuses now. “You’re right. We’re not the same people. Everything I have, I’ve worked for. I’ve made sacrifices and pushed myself because I knew I could do it. You don’t. You give up.”
My breath catches when she lifts her eyes to mine, and it’s as if pain radiates through her like a blinding sunlight staring back at me. “Whatever happened toI’ll always be here when you need me?”
Pulling my hands from my pockets, I scrub them over my face.
Do you see that guy at the door? The one getting ready to walk out for good? He’s done. He’s broken and finally taking back what she’s taken from him. His life. His love. His sanity. “A fourteen-year-old boy made that promise and he’s tried for seven years to keep it, but sometimes you have to know when to quit. I’m sorry, Rhya, but I quit.”
And then I leave without another glance. She doesn’t stop me.
I can’t look back at her because I know the look she’ll give me. The one that begs and pleads and breaks me down.
