Page 151 of Trading Paint
If I asked her to stay would she?And if she did—then what?Could I handle it if she felt the same way?
No, I probably couldn’t because I could not offer her what she needed. I wasn’t in the position to.
Then I thought back to what Kyle said. That maybe she didn’t want the relationship, maybe she just wanted the benefits. If my siblings hadn’t been in the hotel room last night, I’d been tempted to ask her for more but they squashed that idea. But then again, I wasn’t ready to ask for what I wanted in fear she’d agree.
With the pressure put upon drivers now, we had little time for personal relationships.
Sure other drivers were married and had girlfriends but they also traveled with them and were able to maintain a sense of normalcy that we wouldn’t have. I wasn’t in the position to offer her that and with the track she wasn’t in the position to give that up.
So where would that leave us?
I had no answers and didn’t have time to think of answers the day she left. I wasn’t even able to drive her to the airport because I had to leave her at the hotel that morning to catch a flight to Charlotte.
By Tuesday, I was like a zombie and had a day to myself before heading to Rockingham for the next race. At home, I had time to think or beat myself up, whatever way you want to look at it.
I heard my alarm going off that morning, knowing I had a team meeting to be at but I ignored it, hoping the awful buzzing would stop.
The sun was beating in through the window and my eyes squinted open painfully. Rubbing the grit from my eyes, I cracked my neck, relieving the pinching as my painfully throbbed.
I sat up slowly realizing that my phone was also ringing and I reached over to get it.
“Hello.” My voice was groggy.
“Where are you?” Alley demanded.
“Huh?”I looked over at the clock that flashed seven.
“Jameson, you are supposed to be at the shop this morning.”
“Oh, I don’t think I’ll make it.” I shook my head, still trying to wake up.
“Yes you will! Spencer is coming to get you.”
Before I could tell her no, she hung up on me. I scrambled to focus but I couldn’t.
I literally fell out of bed, hitting the floor in a heap of sheets. I was naked and my body felt like it was filled with lead. I couldn’t think or see straight. Probably because they only thing on my mind was Sway and the tears in her eyes when she left.
“Damn it.” I hit my head on the floor repeatedly. “Why does it have to be this way?”
I got up from the floor and stretched my muscles. The ache from my side was throbbing but I pushed past it and jumped in the shower. The bruises from some broken bones I suffered a few months back racing sprint cars were beginning to fade. Now if I could only get my feelings for Sway to fade.
I managed to make it to the team meeting an hour late, but I made it. Dad wasn’t too excited about me being late. After a few choice words, well yelling, he told me if I was late again he’d be taking it out of my pay.
I had the rest of the evening free and did what I always did to get my mind sedated; I drank.
Three hours later, I was sitting at the bar in my parent’s kitchen drowning my sorrows in a country song. I felt like a country song and then started to wonder who would sing it.
Staring through a whiskey glass, I saw the reflection of my brother walking back toward his room carrying Alley in his arms. I didn’t even bother to look up just grabbed a bottle off the table and popped a couple pills.
Squinting at the bottle I attempted to read the label. It was probably wise to know that the fuck I just took with whiskey.
Vicodin.Praise Jesus.
I need pain relief and lots of it.
Avoiding my thoughts, I turned the bottle around and read off the side effects out-loud. “Blurred vision...I’m okay with that...difficulty breathing...already had that...dizziness, drowsiness, mental/mood changes...hell, how is that any different from my usual personality?” I asked myself.
No one answered, so I answered myself. “It’s not any different...” I continued reading. “Severe allergic reaction may occur.” I squinted at the bottle. That did not sound okay with me.“Anxiety, fear, unusual tiredness.”
