Page 5 of Unbound
Beck draws in a deep breath, clouds of smoke between us swirling in the darkness. “C’mon, man, I ain’t sittin’ here all night.”
I stare into the darkness. The orange-yellow tinge above her door flickering in the night. We’ve got plans to leave tonight but I can’t just yet. And after this morning, and tonight, I don’t know why I’m here.
“You goin’ in or what?” Beck asks for about the fourth time in the last hour. “I thought we were leavin’ tonight. Stop fuckin’ around with her and lets go.”
I don’t answer him and take one last drag from the joint in my hand, chest and head full of smoke. I hand it over to him and reach for the handle. The door creaks in the night, the only sound for miles in this too slow town in the too dark night. I don’t hear anything other than my pulse and my shoes against the pavement.
I want numbness. I want escape. I want… her to fucking hate me. The kind of hate where love will never return.
I know she’s in there. I watched her walk in an hour ago, rushed steps and a rigid posture.
My problem is, I can’t leave just yet. I’m not done. I need her totrulyhate me before I’m gone completely.
I knock, twice, three times with no answer.
My face presses into her doorframe as I repeatedly pound my fist against it, my bloody knuckles leave crimson red smears. I debate, I plead, telling myself to walk away, but I don’t and yell, “Open the goddamn door, Sophie.” My warning can’t be missed. “I swear to fucking God—”
“No,” she says from behind the door. I know she’s standing there, crying, wishing I wasn’t me, this guy, this fucking wreck she loves and can’t let go of. “And don’t you darefuckup my door because I’ll have to pay for it.”
My smile twists my lips and I don’t know why. I haveabsolutelynothing to smile about.
My lashes lift, just barely, a gust of wind hitting the side of my face. Turning my head to the right, I see Beck sitting in the car, waiting for me. He knows what a fuck up I am too, yet he’s here. I might never understand why he hangs out with me.
Turning, I face the door again, my voice a distant version of anything I used to be to the hopeless girl behind this metal door. “I’ll set this fucking building on fire if you don’t open the door. You know I will. Let. Me. In!” My fist hits the door, again, my forehead pressing into the wooden frame. I can’t keep from shaking. It’s bone deep, a shiver coming up from the very depths of my soul, rattling my bones.
Silence. That’s all she gives me. All I hear is the rapid beat of my own heart, as if the blood pumping through my veins is rushing wild.
She doesn’t respond to my threat. I knew she wouldn’t. Not right away at least. But I know if I stand here long enough, she’ll give in because the truth is Sophie wants answers she thinks I’m going to give. If she opens the door, she might get them. Probably not, but she doesn’t know that.
When the door finally opens, I step in, not waiting for her invite. My shoulder knocks hers.
“What are you doing here?” Her voice is hushed as she reaches to close the door behind me.
Make her hate you.
Coming closer, my breath hits her face and I raise an eyebrow at her, but I don’t look up, I can’t. The thump in my chest is louder now. Her proximity is suffocating, and it’s my body’s natural reaction. We don’t touch as I speak. “Back at the party… youpracticallybegged me not to leave and now… you don’t want me here?”
Her face, broken and confused, tells me to leave but I don’t listen.
I never do. Not until I finally get some truth out of her.
I’m depending on the words she doesn’t say. They’re the reasonwhy, contrary to all the warning signs, she lets me in once more. We both battle these unsaid words. It’s the reason I keep coming back. Because the truth is, my unsaid words tell me I’m nothing without her.
There’s a big part of me that’s afraid of what I’ll become if she ever truly lets go. I know what it’s doing to her and for three years, I’ve let it.Shelets it. She can’t fucking let go either.
Her mind says, “Let him go,” while her heart begs, “Hold on.”
“You’re high.” It’s an assessment for the most part. But in truth, it’s the only way I get through the day anymore.
“And? What the fuck does it matter anyway? We both knowyou’rethe reason. I get high to forget the pain you cause.”
“It’s always my fault and not a goddamn thing you’ve done. Jesus Christ, Rawley!” Her pain bleeds anger, raging waves crashing against the shores. Spinning around, she grabs a glass from the counter and throws it against the wall near my head. It shatters upon impact. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop doing this to me. Stop blaming me for your problems. Yes, I cheated on you. Once. It was the biggest fucking mistake of my life and if I could, I’d take it back. I never meant to hurt you, but what you’re doing,purposelyhurting me night after night, it’s just fucking cruel, Rawley. It’s fucking cruel. If you don’t love me, why can’t you just let me go?” Digging her fingers into my chest, she shoves me back against the wall. My back hits hard, my breath blowing out with the action.
The smug set of my lips pisses her off. “Do you fucking hate me now?”
“Why do you keep asking me that? You sound like a stupid kid when you say it. Will you stop acting like a selfish asshole?” she screams in infuriation, refusing to answer my question. “You have so much goddamn talent and people around you who love you, but you can’t see that.”
I stare at her and ask, “You mean you? Or figuratively? Because youloved meenough to fucking cheat on me. That’s about it.”
