Page 121 of The Only Thing That's Real
I’ve taken inventory of all his features. From his button nose to the cleft in his chin, that matches mine. When I look at him, I see the real life I’ve been missing. This is why it was so easy for the rest of the band to walk away without a shadow of doubt. I’ve been living in a fantasy land, while they had real lives.
Thisis real life.
As much as I want to grab onto this new life and never let go, I can’t see Sawyer without seeing Angus. When I hold myself up to my younger brother, I simply don’t measure up.
The jealousy I felt when he opened his truck door revealing my son’s car seat and toys caused me physical pain. Holding Sawyer in my arms made it bearable. Just. The inferiority that rushed through me while he showed me how to buckle my child into his seat made me want to run for the hills. But looking at Sawyer now, I know I need to set aside my ego and insecurities. None of that is as important as the kid sleeping next to me.
Even if I set all of my shortcomings aside, Angus will always be the better father figure. He’ll be able to provide him with the normal life he deserves. I’m realistic enough to admit that as much as I love Sawyer and my family, the lake, the ranch, the quiet, the stars, I’m still a traveler who can’t stay in one place too long before going stir crazy. Especially in my hometown. I need to create a new normal for myself in order to be a part of my son’s life, but will my version of normal be good enough?
Sawyer rolls to his side, his arm whacking me in the face. The shock of contact and the resulting chuckle I can’t hold in wakes him and I freeze.
What if he’s scared when he realizes I’m not Mia or Angus?
What if he cries?
I left the light on the bedside table on so he wouldn’t wake up in a strange, dark room. But he’s still waking up to an almost stranger.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
The hand that hit me relaxes. When his eyes open and he sees it’s me, he pats my face, his tiny brow furrowing in confusion.
“Hi, buddy. Remember me?”
“Mox.”
It’s a punch to the gut to hear him call me anything other than daddy, but I’m happy he’s recognized me and isn’t screaming.
Trying something out, I point to myself and say, “Papa.”
“Mox.” His fingers rub the five o’clock shadow covering my face.
“Papa,” I say, pointing at me. Then I point at him. “Sawyer.” Then back at me. “Papa.”
“Papa Mox.”
“That works for me,” I sigh, liking the sound of him calling me Papa as I move his sweaty hair off his forehead.
He scoots closer, taking a fist full of my hair in his hand. He lifts it, then lets it fall. His sweet sleepy breath caresses my skin as I rub his back, and he plays with my hair.
My heart is so full I’m sure it’s about to burst. His level of comfort with me gives me a newfound confidence that I can do this. I can be the father he needs me to be. And I can do it here with him in Goose Hollow.
He squirms and his eyes grow big. “Pee-pee!”
I take it all back!
I have no idea what I’m doing!
Chapter Sixty-One
Ryan
Waiting on the front porch swing, I wave at Mia when she walks around her car. The sky gradually transformed from black to blue as I waited for her to get here. She texted at six when she left the hospital after baby Grace was born. I should have woken the boys up, but the two of us haven’t had a moment together without the family around.
I pat the empty space next to me, and she joins me on the swing.
“How’d it go?”
“Good. He woke up to go potty around midnight and they hung out for a bit. Other than that, they’ve been sleeping. Sounds like things got pretty scary at the hospital. I’m sure an emergency C-section wasn’t the plan. Grace’s daddy must have been out of his mind.”
