Nina steps closer too and we’re all now practically forehead to forehead, anger bouncing like an electrical current around the circle. ‘MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, DICKHEAD!’ she screams, and suddenly everyone in the room is shouting at each other about rings and strippers and donkeys. It’s absolute bedlam and I’m at the centre of it, wondering how the hell this happened.
Oh, and there goes the bucket.
When I finally get to bed an hour later, showered and broken, I remember my dead phone and reach for the charger. I stare at the ceiling for a moment, thinking how horrendous today was and how it’s only the beginning of a hellish year. I slowly count up how many weddings and hen dos I’ve said yes to. It must be ten. At least ten. Last week I was at a dull-as-fuck ceremony up in Scotland, and I’ve got another one coming up next week for my mum’s middle-aged cousin. Can I really handle dealing with this kind of drama over and over and over again? Why do I always say yes to these things?
I’m just drifting off, completely exhausted, when my phone turns itself back on and begins frantically vibrating.
Blinking blearily at my phone, a message flashes up:
You have 44 new WhatsApp notifications.
They’re all from Lauren. Fuck, what’s happened? My heart speeds up and I’m suddenly wide awake again, adrenaline pumping. I sit up in bed, thinking how shit all comes at once. Has something happened to Granny Franny? Surely not? Lauren wouldn’t WhatsApp me if my favourite person in the world – the woman who basically raised me – had died. But death is always my immediate assumption. I’ve written off everyone I know at some point.
I open the app.
Lauren:OMG OMG OMG OMG ANSWER YOUR PHONE
Lauren:Y ARENT U ANSWERIN UR PHONE
Lauren:FFFFFFFFSSSSSSSS LILAH
Lauren: I have such massive neeeeeews!!
Lauren:OKscrew it, I’ll just tell you. Charlie proooooopoooooooosed!
Lauren:IM ENGAGEDDDDDDDDDD
Lauren: I’m trying to send you a picture of the ring. It’s shitting massive.
Lauren: It won’t send.
Lauren: Trying to FaceTime you.
Lauren: Why aren’t you answering!!!
Lauren: Oh, you’re on that stupid hen do, aren’t you? I forgot that was this weekend. I can’t believe you went, you never see that girl Harriet anymore. I didn’t even reply to her email about it.
Lauren: Ah, no worries, I’m probs going to bed in a min. We’ve got all the time in the world to celebrate, and there’s no rush to start planning it. I promise I’m not going to be one of those mad brides!!!! Going to bed now, love yooooou.
Lauren: I wish you were here. I’m so happy! I can’t believe I’m engaged! It feels so weird. I can’t wait to start organising the day. And the hen do! Wah!
Lauren: It was so romantic, Lil. He took me to the restaurant where we first met, and got down on one knee in front of everyone. The whole room started cheering and they gave us free champagne for the rest of the night!
Lauren: Did you know he was planning it? Did you help him choose the ring? It’s exactly what I wanted. Thank you so much, I love it.
Lauren: Although I may have to swap the diamond.
Lauren: And the band.
Lauren: I think we’ll just do something small. Small weddings are totally in right now and that’s what I always pictured. A small wedding feels right. Maybe just like 50 of us, tops?
Lauren: Maybe we could have it on a beach? A really secluded beach in, like, Florence.
Lauren: Wait, does Florence have beaches?
Lauren: We should’ve paid more attention in Year Nine geography.
Lauren: I’m googling weddings abroad.
