‘Oh, that. Don’t worry, I found it hours ago,’ she says. ‘It was here in the apartment all along – in the bedside table. I remembered that I left it here deliberately because –’ she lowers her voice – ‘I thought I might want to get off with the stripper.’ She gives a peeved nod over in the direction of Jill, before adding thoughtfully, ‘But that didn’t work out. Plus, the diamond didn’t go with my horny devil outfit.’
I gape at her, as my stomach acid starts to boil.
What. The. Fuck.
It was here, all along? I asked her that – over and over. I shittingaskedher that. I even tried to wrestle the apartment key off her to check, but she was so insistent it wasn’t down here, she wouldn’t hand it over. Hours I’ve been out there searching for this ring. Hours. I start counting up in my head all the Euros I’ve spent on taxis back and forth. How many times my arse got pinched and my nipple got elbowed, fighting my way through to the front of the karaoke stage so I could check the sticky floor for a missing fucking diamond that was here the whole time. I asked her so many times if she might’ve left it here.
I wait. She waits. We look at each other. She’s not going to say sorry. She doesn’t even seem bothered.
The words bubble up and out of me. ‘You know I’ve spent my whole night out there looking for it?’ I say, my voice breaking a bit.
I know, I know, I’m lame, but it’s the best I can do – I really don’t like confrontation.
She shrugs and I feel myself go rigid.
Just leave it, I tell myself. She’s the bride, this is her hen do, don’t be the one who makes a fuss and ruins everything with an argument.
There’s silence and I can’t bring myself to say anything else. For a second she looks half repentant and then the defiance slides back into place. ‘Actually, Delly, to be honest, I’m the one who should be annoyed with you,’ she says in a sing-song school-marm-y voice. ‘After all, we’ve been waiting hours to take a group selfie. You know I have a schedule to keep to for my Instagram posts. I can’t have my followers forgetting about us, or thinking we’re not having the best hen do ever!’
I picture forcibly removing her engagement ring right now, putting it on my own hand and then punching her in the face with it. It would feel good, wouldn’t it? The impact of that over-priced rock smashing her over-priced nose job. I might have to go to jail for a while, but I think it would be worth it. When the rage in my stomach is like it is now, I honestly think I could do a murder and it would be worth it. Or maybe a revenge-suicide. Right now I could happily throw myself in front of Harriet’s car, just to make her feel bad for killing me. I think it would be worth my death if I could make a shitty person feel shit, if only for a few minutes.
‘What’s going on?’ shouts Nina, who’s staggered over, leaving a trail of blood on the floor. She’s barefoot and, for some reason, still clutching the bucket of green sick under her arm.
‘Nothing, it’s all fine,’ I say, swallowing down my fury harder than anything in my life. There is no point getting into an argument. There’s no way I’d win. And, thinking about it a bit more now, I proooobably shouldn’t kill myself or murder anyone just to make a point.
Before I can say anything else, Harriet suddenly looks angry, turning to Nina. ‘Delly’s in a massive huff with me because I thought I’d lost my ring and she volunteered to look for it, even though I didn’t ask her to,’ she says defensively. ‘I found it myself but now she’s in a giant mood with me for no reason. Even though I’m the bride and this isMY HEN DO.’ She shouts the last part and Nina turns to me, the liquid she’s inexplicably carrying with her like a souvenir slopping about.
‘What the fuck, Nelly? Let it go. It’sHARRIET’S HEN DO.’
I shake my head. This is stupid. ‘No, no,’ I say tersely. ‘I’m not in a mood, I’m fine. I was just surprised for a second. Can we leave it and get back to the games?’
‘You should be happy she found the ring!’ Nina goes on, getting in my face. The smell from the bucket is making me gag. ‘You know it cost Jamie twenty-five thousand pounds? I can’t believe you lost it in the first place, Nelly. You should be fucking relieved Harriet found it, or you would’ve had to replace it, love. Do you even have twenty-five thousand pounds? Because it cost twenty-five thousand pounds, did you know that?’
Harriet nods aggressively in agreement.
I feel my brow furrow. ‘Hold on, I didn’t lose it,’ I say, my voice shaking. The anger in my stomach has drained away and now I’m just desperate to get away from this pointless drunk anger. ‘I was trying to find it because Harriet thought she’d left it at the cocktail class earlier. I was helping her. Why would I have to replace—’
‘OH, IT’S MY FAULT NOW, IS IT?’ shouts Harriet, whose drunk logic has suddenly shifted gears.
‘No, no!’ I say again quickly, thinking, yes, yes, it is your fault, you stupid idiot.
Oh crap, what’s happening here? Why am I the one in trouble now? I didn’t even do anything. Oh Christ, I hate this.
The Shiny Naked Man, who is much less shiny, and Jill, who is a lotmoreshiny now, have joined us and are listening interestedly.
‘WHOSE FAULT IS IT THEN, NELLY?’ Nina bellows at me, and panic starts building in my stomach. I can’t handle being shouted at in any situation, never mind something like this with a group of semi-strangers. And I know she’s that kind of drunk where no amount of reasonable explanation is going to calm her down.
‘Oh God, look, guys,’ I try desperately, ‘please stop shouting at me. This is over absolutely nothing. We thought Harriet had lost her ring, I went to look for it, but it was here in the apartment all along. It’s a good thing! I’m really sorry I upset you, Harri. Let’s get back to having fun, shall we? Can we? Please?’
Shiny Naked Man interjects. ‘Hold on, have you been out looking for that ring this whole time?’ He pokes a finger at me. ‘Fookin’ hell, babe, I wondered where you’d gone. And them shouting at you, that’s hella out of order.’ He turns to Harriet and Nina, who are black-faced with fury. ‘Why’s you two shouting at her when she’s just been trying to help ya? She shouldn’t be sayin’ sorry to you; youse two should be apologising to her.’ Beside him, Jill glares at me jealously, her fingers turning white as the iron grip she has on his arm tightens.
Fuck. I really appreciate Shiny Naked Man trying to help – and, honestly, it feels really good to finally, properly have his attention – but he’s clearly now made everything worse. Harriet and Nina will feel cornered and fight even harder. That’s how angry drunks work.
‘WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE, YOU FRIGID BITCH?’ Harriet shouts at Shiny Naked Man, taking a step towards him.
Jill immediately switches her attention to Harriet, elbowing her shiny man out the way to scream in the bride’s face for her to: ‘STEP THE FUCK OFF, HARRIET’.
I glance around the shouting group, my heart pumping hard in my chest, as the rest of the hens join us. I note distractedly that one is still blindfolded from the pin-the-willy donkey game.
