Lauren: I’ve invited you to edit my new Pinterest board.
Lauren: Actually, forget a beach, I’ve found the most amazing Jimmy Choo white shoes – can’t have sand anywhere near these babies.
Lauren: I’ve set up a Twitter and Instagram account. Follow me @BestWeddingEverCharlieLovesLauren
Lauren: Do you think I should have a harpist? If it’s a church wedding, we might need a harpist. That’s the vibe I want.
Lauren: I’ve just emailed you some pics of owls whoLITERALLY DELIVER THE RINGS UP THE AISLE!!!! I must have one! I can’t decide which breed is cutest? Check your emails.
Lauren: I’ve sent you some links to dresses they make in China. What do you think? They look amazing and they’re so cheap!
Lauren: I’ve ordered two. Wedding diet starts here!
Lauren: I know I always said a summer wedding, but what about a December date? What do you think?? We can have mistletoe centrepieces. Would need to be next year though I guess.
Lauren: Could get Dad to give me away dressed as Father Christmas. Lol.
Lauren: Should I order long sleeve gloves? Are they back in yet?
Lauren: I just spoke to Joely – she’s already trying to make this all about her. Said she wants a plus one, even though there’s no way she’ll have a boyfriend. She’s not bringing yet another ugly reality star to one of our parties.
Lauren: Charlie says he wants anal on the wedding night, haha. Haven’t done that since 2008. Will my haemorrhoids survive the trauma?RHOID RAGE! Lol.
Lauren: How much do you think a Ferris wheel in the garden would cost?
Lauren:VEGAS HEN DO?????!!!!!
Lauren: There would be about 25–30 of us. Shall we do a week in Vegas? Or is that too much?
Lauren: Did I actually tell you that you’re my maid of honour?YOU’RE MY MAID OF HONOUR!! You’re going to be the best MoH that ever lived.
Lauren: We’re going to have so much fun organising this hen and wedding together.
Lauren: We can have weekly wedding meetings! I’ve told Charlie he’s not invited, ha.
Lauren: Clear your schedule for the next 18 months, lol lol!! JK.
Lauren: For real though.
I drop my phone.
Fucking hell.
2
Lauren is standing on a chair and is waving her arms about like she’s conducting an orchestra. A really irritated-looking orchestra holding pints of Guinness.
‘I’M GETTING MARRIED!’ she shrieks again, beaming around the room at the other patrons, who are definitely not here for this on any level. Not one to be outdone, Joely clambers up on her own chair, shouting towards the bar that she’s a ‘badass motherfucking bridesmaid’ and the ‘deputy maid of honour’! Which isn’t a thing, but who am I to question her enthusiasm? I make eye contact across the table with the frightened-looking fourth member of our group, Simone, and briefly wonder if I should climb up too? It seems a bit excessive and the loud tuts around us are getting really rather threatening, but I don’t want to miss out on being part of the story.
We’re in the fanciest bar our local area permits, and I’ve just bought us the second nicest prosecco on the menu – it cost £46.50! – to celebrate Lauren’s engagement. It’s Monday night and I’m still so unbelievably hungover from the weekend’s hen do. I’m also surviving on about ten hours of sleep across four days and haven’t even had time to unpack or do my washing. I’m literally wearing my red halter bikini as underwear. It’s really digging into the skin of my neck, but let she who has never worn a swimsuit as underwear on laundry day cast the first stone.
There was no question of staying in tonight to recover or sort out my life. I had to go straight out to meet Lauren the moment I got back from the dreadful hen do. There was much screaming and hugging and – oh yes – more screaming to be done, and much as I could’ve done with a night in, as The Official Best Friend, I wasn’t really given a choice.
Just as the table next to us prepares to throw their beer over our entire group, a panicked barmaid rushes over, waving a stained tea towel at us.
‘Get down from there,’ she hisses, and Lauren does so, looking a little shamefaced. Joely sits back down too, but very slowly, all the while making sarcastic eye contact with the barmaid. I smile at the woman nicely, trying to catch her eye so I can give her a meaningful nod towards the expensive fizz. I feel like spending a lot on alcohol in a place like this means it’s probablyOKto be loud and annoying. I bet they let footballers jump on the chairs.
The barmaid gives us one last scowl and the four of us giggle like schoolgirls as she stomps off. Usually I’d be embarrassed, but I’m way too thrilled for Lauren. She’s wanted this engagement for ages and it feels like it’s been a pretty long time coming. She and Charlie visited a ring shop together a year ago – ‘Just in case’ – and since then, every time they’ve taken a holiday or celebrated any kind of anniversary (FYI, five years since their first blowjob isnotan anniversary), everyone’s aggressively checked her hand and demanded to know if she ‘has anything to tell us’. There was a really awkward moment at Christmas when Charlie got down on one knee in front of her whole family – her mum started crying – but it turned out he’d just stubbed his toe.
