The old familiar longing comes crashing back, once again blindsiding me. One look at the woman, and all I want to do is send Alicia packing, hop into my truck, and chase her down so I can remind her just how good we used to be together. As much as I hate to admit it, seeing Tessa again, after all this time, shook me to my very core. I know I acted like a dick, and maybe that wasn’t fair. After all, I’m not innocent in how things ended between us.
I was a lost soul back then. Angry at the world. Hopeless and a little defeated. I pushed her away time and time again, and I can even admit that I’m partially responsible for the poor choices she’s made. The thing is, I would’ve forgiven anything given time. What I can’t forget is that she threw me aside like a stray dog she didn’t want to care for anymore. She knew how important she was to me.
Tessa was my anchor—the one thing keeping me sane throughout the nightmare that used to be my life. We could’ve worked through our issues. It would’ve taken me some time to get over her betrayal, but it wouldn’t have been the end. No matter what she may have believed, I was fucking obsessed with that girl. I couldn’t have walked away from her if I tried. Teresa Davidson was once vital to my very existence, and she erased me from her life with an ease that flayed me wide open.That, I can’t forgive.
I smile down at the current woman in my life, not really seeing her, and allow the memories to pour in. For the first time in years, I don’t bother fighting it. I welcome them. Embrace them as I mentally skim through the chapters of my life and try to pinpoint the exact moment everything fell apart.
Four
Jake
Freshman Year
I’m in love with my best friend.The notion hardly comes as a surprise. After all, I’ve loved Tessa for years. But for the first time since acknowledging as much, I find myself wanting to do something about it. Grinding my molars, I watch the object of my affection engage in an animated conversation with Joe Sanders and scowl when she tosses her long, shiny hair over her shoulder, gifting him with one of those smiles that warm you from the inside out.
The way his eyes light up makes me want to stomp over there and shove her behind my back to shield her from his lecherous gaze. I’m only half-listening to Carter ramble on and on about the latest football game and how amazing it felt to have carried out the game-winning touchdown. Taking another bite of the sandwich I can’t really taste; I continue to stare a hole into the back of Joe’s head and visualize it exploding.
I saw this video once where someone wrapped a gazillion rubber bands around a watermelon until the pressure became so great it blew up, sending small bits of sticky matter flying everywhere. If only I had a shitload of rubber bands. That fucker is standing way too close to her. He’s all but caging her in, leaving her with little room to breathe. As one of her best friends, it’s my duty to ensure her safety. It’s my job to stand between her and those who seem to have difficulty understanding the meaning of the word no.
The way her gaze briefly connects with mine when Joe dips his head and whispers something into her ear is a clear cry for help. I’m almost sure of it. Slapping my mangled sandwich onto the table in front of me, I’m about to push to my feet, ready to rescue my girl, when the back of Carter’s hand smacks me square in the chest.
“Ow. What the hell?” I whine, rubbing at the aching spot while my best friend hits me with an accusing glare. “I’m sitting here telling you about my life-changing moment, and you’re barely listening. What are you even staring at?”
Tearing my eyes away from the offending display across the schoolyard, I refocus on the conversation.
“Good job, man. I’m proud of you.”
Carter scoffs and digs into his own lunch, still frowning at me with disapproval.
“Dude, I heard every word. You scored the winning touchdown. The girls have been falling all over themselves to get close to you ever since. You’re the man. I’m happy for you. Yada, yada, yada.” I barely suppress an eye roll and blow out an exasperated breath when he continues to look at me like I’ve pissed in his fancy protein bowl. He’s such a drama queen sometimes. “I was listening. Just a little preoccupied is all.”
“With what?” Carter raises a questioning brow and follows my gaze when it snatches on the girl I want but can never have. She’s giggling now.Fucking giggling!Joe is lapping it all up, puffing up his chest like a peacock. Any minutenow, he’ll break into a mating dance. I chuckle to myself as I picture him strutting back and forth, flapping his imaginary wings as he throws his head back and cock-a-doodle-dos like a damn rooster. My amusement is short-lived, however, and I sober quickly when she leans in and lays a hand on his chest. “You know, she seems to enjoy his attention quite a bit, so you can stop clenching your jaw. At this rate, you’ll grind your teeth down to nothing.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Carter rolls his eyes, giving a mumbled, “Whatever.”
I have to get myself under control and fast if I want to keep pretending that Tessa is just a friend. As much as I want her to be more, I know pursuing her would be a mistake. I don’t have the balls to make a move, anyway. What if she were to reject me? Or worse, laugh in my face for even suggesting such a thing? That wouldn’t be awkward at all.
I’ve always been a natural flirt, and I’m well aware of my effect on girls. Talking to them and getting their attention has always come easy to me. I’m comfortable in my own skin, and that alone seems to attract the opposite sex. But Tessa’s not just any girl. She’s one of my best friends, and if I go there and things don’t work out, it changes everything.
Jenkins Creek is a small town with an even smaller school. There would be no avoiding her, and honestly, I don’t want to. Our friendship means the world to me, and I can’t risk losing her. Eventually, I would fuck up. And when that day came, I couldn’t live with the consequences. So, I do what I’ve been doing since these unwanted feelings first made themselves known. I push them down deep and distract myself with girls I don’t care about, pretending I don’t crave another.
I’ll reign in my jealousy and refrain from sucker-punching every dude who looks at her a little too long. But fuck if I don’t wish things were different.
Five
Tessa
Junior Year
“Sarah claims she slept with Jake after Matty’s party a couple of weeks ago, and according to her, it was the best sex of her life.”
I roll my eyes so hard I’m surprised they don’t get stuck in the back of my head.
“She’s sixteen, Megan. How much experience could she possibly have?” God, I’m so sick of hearing about Jake’s exploits. Megan and I came to the library to work on an assignment that’s due soon, and instead of focusing on what’s important, I’m over here listening to yet another tale about Mr. Casanova.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had the world’s biggest crush on my best friend, and I’m beyond fed up with everyone telling me I should take advantage of our close bond and sample the goods already. Lord knows I want to. The problem is that Jake shows no interest in me whatsoever. I’m simply Tessa. His female buddy. Off-limits when I don’t want to be.
