Tsuki snorts and crawls under, jamming her bony back up against Nix’s side. She seems bigger than yesterday, and it’s such a comfort to be sandwiched between them.
“And Kooky-Tsuki. Now maybe you can tell me, and I can help. Alright with you?” Luca whispers.
Nix is still afraid. Afraid of what happens if that mental box blows open, and then what? He told Leo he couldn’t talk about it with a therapist, let alone his beautiful Luca, who should never know a minute of pain—and certainly not Nix’s.
But his mate lies there with him, holding his hand. He’s not sleeping or resting his eyes. He’s just staring at the bottom of Nix’s new room’s box spring, waiting.
It’s comforting, and before he knows it, he’s pulled off the lid of the box himself. Not all the way, but enough that he can take some things out and maybe share them.
“Since yesterday, I feel…different.” Nix tries to put it into words.
It’s not only fear—he’s used to that. But the worst is this feeling of shame. It had only ever been Hayes and him who knew, and maybe nurses and doctors in hospitals across the city, but he’d locked those feelings down, and they’d been easily managed under the pain of existing. But not now.
“Different? Like sick? Or…? Can you tell me when you first thought of something like this?” He squeezes Nix’s hand before he whispers, “I know it’s hard.”
He’s asking about when he felt that maybe he wasn’t wanted—the feeling of rejection that shakes loose those feelings of shame.
“This morning? Gideon didn’t want me in the gym, and then Finn said no to fucking me outside. Then Gray ‘needed a minute,’ and now you. It’s dumb, I know that. You all have good reasons, but itfeels bad.”
Tsuki puts her nose under the edge of Gray’s sweater against his thigh and snuffles.
Luca says nothing, so Nix fills the silence.
“It feels awful because…I love you, and I don’t really have anything else to offer.”
Luca jerks a bit, his fingers tightening on Nix’s, but he doesn’t say anything or even look at him, so Nix keeps going.
“I’m not a rockstar or an architect, and I don’t save lives. I’ve just…been a burden.”
Luca squeezes Nix’s hand harder.
“No, don’t say anything. I n—need to get it out. I know you all love me, and I know Finn does too, even if he’s not here yet.” He rubs the spot in his chest where the almost-complete rainbow of love swirls and pulses.
“But I’m used up, Luca. I’m dirty—tainted. If I can’t offer you my body—if you don’t want me anymore—what else do I have to give?”
A tear slides down Luca’s cheek.
“But you know what’s worse?” Nix doesn’t expect an answer. “What if I’m ruining all of you, too? What if our bond is tainted because of me? Maybe I should have never—” His throat tightens. “Maybe I should have saved you all from me,” he whispers shakily.
It’s agony to think about, let alone say it. He’d never let it occur to him consciously until now, but now that he’s started, he can’t stop because Luca deserves the entirety of this, not just parts.
No one breaks the silence for a few minutes. Nix’s last words echo in his ears. There’s not even a hushed breath like they’re both holding it, standing on the precipice of this terrible thing together right before they jump.
The panic curls in his stomach, coils in his ribs, tightening so fast he can barely breathe. He fucked up saying it out loud, didn’t he? Maybe Luca agrees. Maybe Luca is just trying to find the words to say it nicely, to tell him that, yeah, maybe it would’ve been better if—
So he takes the plunge and turns to look at his mate, and Luca does the same like he is waiting to catch him.
“Oh, baby. Come.”
Luca pulls him closer, and the bed isn’t high enough to get his head on his shoulder or for them to turn on their sides. But Nix can slide right up close until Luca can reach his forehead with his lips, and Nix can press his own to Luca’s shoulder.
“I am so sorry.”
Sorry? Why ishesorry?
It’s baffling, and Nix says so. “Why? It’s not your fault. None of it is. Not yours or anyone’s but mine—and maybe H–Hayes’s.”
It’s true, and no matter how they might pity him, the result is the same.
