Page 46 of To Hell With It
‘How would I get home?’
‘You should have learnt to drive.’
‘I mean it, Una, I can’t do it.’
‘What about Turbo Cock?’
‘He doesn’t know I’m coming so he won’t be disappointed.’
‘And what about you?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Don’t you want to do it for you?’
I shrugged. I felt like a teenager.
‘What would Mairéad say?’
I shrugged again.
‘She’d saysmall steps, big strides,’Una declared confidently.
‘That’s not a Mairéad line. You just made that up, it doesn’t even make sense.’
‘It does. It means take small steps to make big strides.’
‘It’s bloody stupid.’
‘We’re here now, let’s just take some small steps.’ Una reached for my hand. ‘At least let’s go in and have a cup of tea. If you still don’t want to go, then we can go home.’
‘Promise?’
‘Yep.’
‘Small steps?’
‘Small steps.’
* * *
It took one-hundred and sixty-four small bloody steps to reach the airport doors and the entire way I kept my head down so that I couldn’t see it. I’d already familiarised myself with inside the airport. I’d looked up pictures of the departure lounge and visualised myself sat in it – Mairéad had told me to do that.
She’d texted me in the middle of the night because she knew I’d still be up and told me to imagine myself sat there drinking tea, watching the world go by. She said if I found myself starting to panic to just deep breathe:river, raft, trees. She said it was important to remember that I wasn’t trapped, that at any moment, I could step outside and take a breath, even if I was in the queue for check-in.
Mairéad and I worked a lot on worst-case scenarios. She had a great way of making me see that even if it came to that there was always a way out. Except for on the plane, there was no way out once the doors were closed.
Mairéad told me to choose three films and watch them back to back, and by the time I’d finished I would have landed in Kuala Lumpur. And then to drink tea and read my book and it would be time to fly again. I liked the way she broke things down into sections; it made it less overwhelming, especially because what I was doing was so overwhelming it felt like it was someone else doing it. It also helped me focus on one task, rather than a head full of tasks.
Una had paid for two hours’ parking and said she’d pay for more if I needed her to stay but we both knew it wouldn’t make any difference because I would need to check in and go into the departure lounge and she couldn’t come in there with me.
Una had a cup of tea but I’d already decided that I wouldn’t have one. I was only allowing myself one cup and that would be in the departure lounge. If I had too many then I’d need to use the loo more than once and I couldn’t cope with that thought on top of all the other thoughts.
When it was time for us to say goodbye, Una grabbed me so hard I almost toppled over.
‘Call me as soon as you land in Kuala Lumpur,’ she said, her eyes full of tears.
‘I will.’ I held mine back.
