Page 45 of To Hell With It
‘But it’s such a leap.’
‘Mairéad says leaps are good.’
‘To the other side of the world?’
I shrugged. I knew what my mum was getting at. The thing was, I was committed now. More committed than my mum with the birds or my dad with the moles, and I couldn’t just turn that off. I had to see it through, whatever seeing it through actually meant.
Whilst I hadn’t been diagnosed with ADHD, I knew I had that too. I ticked every box: socially awkward, daydreamer, easily overwhelmed at the smallest of things, I could never unwind, I talked over people when I was nervous but could feel crushingly shy at the same time, and I could become fixated on someone without even knowing them, like Jack. The problem was combined with my OCD and there was no stopping me. And my mum knew that.
So while I could easily have talked myself out of it, I also knew that I could have just as easily talked myself into it.
And so that was exactly what I did.
ChapterTwenty-Six
I’d only had three hours sleep when Una turned up outside my house to take me to the airport. Mostly because I’d spent the evening trying to decide whether or not I should shut the gate or leave it open while I was away, because if I shut it where would the woodlice go to keep warm?
I’d texted Una at midnight to ask her what she thought and she’d replied with GO TO FUCKING SLEEP in capitals, followed by I’M GOING TO BLOODY SQUASH THEM ALL WHEN YOU’RE GONE SO YOU STOP THIS SHITE, and I actually didn’t know if she was joking or not so it kept me up even longer.
When Una got to Anickuna Cottage, I was already waiting in the porch, with my bag packed and the door locked. Everything was off, everything was done (I’d decided to leave the gate open) and I felt a strange calm knowing that I wouldn’t be there to do any checks. It was like a holiday from myself.
It took around one hour and fifty minutes to drive to Dublin airport from Drangan. Una talked the entire way about how proud she was of me and how she wished she was going with me, while I looked out of the window and tried not to think about what she was saying.
By the time we got there and Una had paid for parking, I was well on my way to turning around and going home.
‘I can’t get out,’ I said as Una stood next to the passenger door.
‘Yes, you can, come on, let’s get you checked in.’
‘I’m checking out.’
‘Don’t be daft.’
‘I mean it, Una, it was a stupid idea and I can’t do it.’
‘You can and you will.’
‘I won’t.’
‘You’ve already done most of it.’
‘I’ve packed a bag and got into a car.’
‘Exactly, that must mean that you want to go.’
‘I don’t.’
‘You do.’
‘I’m sorry you’ve come all this way and I’ve wasted your time but I’m not going.’
She pulled out my bag from the back seat.
‘If you don’t go, I’ll bloody go for you.’
‘You can’t.’
‘I can. I’ll cancel my clients. I could do with a long holiday.’
