True Love feels like home no matter where you are in the world.
Promise me that whenever you meet that person, you won’t run away.
In exchange, I’ll promise the same. Even if I’m bound to die, if I have an opportunity to know what it truly feels like, I’ll seize it.
I hope you’ll forgive me. In a few minutes for our fight, and in whatever weeks, months, or years for ending my own life.
I love you,
Your sunflower.
November 11th, 2021
Prudence,
Happy 26th birthday.
I wish we could have done something special for the occasion, but once again, I keep disappointing you. Not that you would ever say it, but I know how you must feel, deep inside.
As you know, it’s been a hard week. I’ve been stuck in that wheelchair for a few months now, not able to walk anymore.
It’s embarrassing.
I’m your big brother and I’m supposed to be looking after you. And yet, you’re the one who’s been doing all the groceries shopping, taking me to medical appointments, helping me shower.
I’m sorry I keep snapping at you, but I’m feeling so much shame all the time. I barely feel like a human being anymore.
I think I have to battle with depression along with all the rest,now. I guess it’s fine, just one more pill to take in that heavy cocktail.
Also, we’re going to move again soon.
I’m sorry, Sunshine.
I love you,
Your sunflower.
May 3rd, 2023
Prudence,
Today is the anniversary of the day I’ve fucked up. The day I was so blinded by whatever rage and insecurities that I’ve insulted my best friend to his face, insulting you in the process. You must have thought that I didn’t trust you.
Which I do, 100%.
My ex from that time was cheating on me, and I think I’d lost myself a little. I know Nate would never have hurt you. After all, he helped me look after you… It took me only a couple of days to realize that my reasoning was wrong. Biased. completely irrelevant. And yet, I’ve never corrected my mistakes.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s too late.
Maybe I could track him down and fix things. But today it’s been nine years, and he probably forgot all about me now.
But what if he didn’t?
I’m getting worse. I think I’m going to add finding Nate and apologize to my list. And when I do find him, we’ll move wherever he is. No more moving after that. I need to settle you somewhere. Make sure you make a few friends and can actually build a life where I’m not thecenter of it.
It’ll be difficult, pushing you away like this. But for this to work, we need new boundaries. I need to handle myself a little more on my own so you can focus your energy somewhere else. On making friends. Doing a job you like (don’t lie to me, I know that bar near the docks is boring as hell, you deserve better than this.)
It’ll just be one more thing I do you’ll need to forgive.
