I wasn’t sure how I felt at that particular moment. A little jealous, perhaps a little resentful too. And god, you wouldn’t stop crying and wriggling against mom and dad, like you were trying to escape something. Like you knew they were not good enough for you.
But then, they placed you in my frail little arms. You stopped crying. You stopped fighting. I don’t know what happened at that moment. Maybe you felt that I was weak or something. Maybe you just stopped because you were afraid I’d let you fall down if you moved too much.
I don’t care, to be honest. I’ve seen something in your big brownish eyes at that moment. My soul recognized you as a piece of its own.
People talk about soulmates in a romantic way, but they’re wrong. A soulmate can be anything. In my case, it was you. From the moment you stopped crying and gave me that big gummy smile.
Your happiness became my life purpose.
How ironic when I know that my death will most likely be the thing that breaks that pure soul of yours to pieces.
But it needs to end. Today, I’ve decided that I’ll be seeking Medically Assisted Suicide.
I’m hurting, Sunshine. And I won’t tell you or let you know until I’m actually gone, because there is nothing you can do about it. Aboutthe physical pain. About the psychological strain of it all. No matter how much energy and time you waste taking care of me, there’s nothing to do about it. I’m going to die anyway, it’s just a matter of time.
And I’d rather go with the little dignity that I have left.
So, if you read this letter (and the others to come, I’m guessing), it means that I’m gone. And I just want you to know that I loved you more than I could ever love anyone else.
I know you’re probably in a dark place right now, but just like I did when we were lost in those damned woods, I need you to find your way back and live.
I love you,
Your Sunflower.
March 25th, 2021
Prudence,
I’ve been thinking about my first three years of college recently. About how I’ve missed you during those years, but how I was lucky enough to find Nate and Nuri.
And how I miss Nate, now. Only because I’m a stubborn idiot, who never got the courage to apologize to him and make amends.
You and I just fought and it’s been a while since it last happened. I’m about to apologize to you for my clumsy words, but first I need to let it out on paper. I’ve already lost the only male friend I ever made because I couldn’t do this, and I’m not about to lose you too.
See? I’m learning from my past mistakes.
I’m sorry for pushing you. I’m just scared, you know? Soon, Iwon’t be here anymore and you’ll be alone. It’s been just the two of us for so long that you weren’t able to create friendship with anyone else for about a year. It’s my fault, really, for moving us from state to state constantly.
Turns out, doctors don’t agree to an assisted suicide easily—shocker.
Sometimes I wonder if I should stay alone. Set you free or something. I know you’re as stubborn as I am, and you’ll never give up on me. The only way for you to leave me behind is if I force you away.
Which I can’t do. Because I’m selfish and I need you in my life until the bitter end. And if you end up hating me once you finally read my letters, trust me when I say that even in death, I’ll love you enough for the both of us.
But anyway, I’m getting off topic here.
Our fight… When I told you that you need to find someone so you’re not alone when I’m gone, it doesn’t mean that I don’t think you’re capable of it.
It has nothing to do with you because, again selfishly, it has everything to do with my peace of mind.
As you already know through my numerous previous letters, I want to die. One way or another, whether they accept my request or not, I will get what I want. What I need.
But how can I go peacefully, knowing that I’m leaving you alone? The way I brought the subject up was clumsy, but as I’ve told you before, you’ve always been my priority. I’m feeling guilty for the way I’ve interfered with your love life for so long (Although, I wished I’d managed to keep Jerkwood away, that leech) and I need to make sure you find your happy place. The person that will become your home, in a different way than we are each other’s.
Now, hold on. I’m not asking you to get married with the first man you meet. But I’m just hoping that when you’ll meet that person that feels so familiar and foreign at the same time, you won’t push him away.
I know I’m not the best example when it comes to love, but I read and write enough romance to pretend that I know all about it, soplease trust me on this.
