Page 23 of The Wonder of You
“Do I need to be afraid of all this?”
“No, the witches are dead and the ones left would never come near us again. Lucifer has been quiet for a long time.”
“Does he have horns?”
Phoenix nearly chokes on his coffee as he laughs.
“No. He’s just a man in a fairly casual suit. I may have copied that style a bit when I saw him once.”
I smile. “Did you wear something different before?”
“I looked like a proper ringmaster. You know like the mortals make out in their silly little movies. The big hat, the three-piece suit with the long-tailed jacket. I much prefer the casual suit, though.”
I picture Phoenix in the old get up and smile. The image in my mind is so clear that I think it may be another memory instead of my imagination.
“There’s so much I am confused about, Phoenix,” I admit, “How is my name still Renée? What about my family?”
“You’ve always been Renée. Your family were the same in your previous life. Your dad still mourned the loss of your mum, your sister has always been a bitch, and your Grandad has always visited the circus.”
I want to focus on him calling Lydia a bitch, but I feel like that is the obvious even though she has been kind to me recently. Instead, my mind goes to the correct place.
“Grandad told me about Elle the elephant.”
“I recognised him when I saw him all those years ago. Henry told me it wouldn’t be long until you showed up, but I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t believe him in case it never happened and then Lukas knocked on my door and everything changed…” Phoenix drops to his knees in front of me. I turn to face him and rest my forehead on his.
“You’re home now, Renée. I will look after you and I’ll make sure you’re never taken from me again. I neverthought it was possible before, but now I know, and it will never happen again. You’re home now.” His voice gradually gets quieter and I’m not sure if he is repeating those wordsyou’re home now,for my sake or his. I just know I feel a warmth inside me every time he says it.
“I’m not immortal though, Phoenix. Not in this life. Won’t I out-age you and die?”
“No, I think once you remember who you are, you’ll naturally change. I need to ask Arabella.”
“To live forever?”
Panic instantly sets in. These last couple of days may be like something out of a dream, but what about my grief? What about the memories of my uncle? Even when the thoughts mute themselves, it’s only briefly. They are always there. Always reminding me what happened. Always demanding I feel the pain over and over again. Sometimes the pain sits heavy on my shoulders and I struggle to move myself, even out of bed. Sometimes it is just a small rock in my pocket. It’s always there though. Always.
“With me,” he says so gently and just like that, the panic is gone.
Chapter 16
Phoenix kisses me. I put my hands on his cheek and lean backwards, falling onto the sofa. My heart surges with love as he towers over me and continues to kiss me. I feel his hand reach under my top and grab my bare waist. He must be able to feel the goosebumps that cover my body. I let out a whimper as he kisses my cheek, my jawline, my neck. I hear the way his breath catches every now and then, as if he’s been waiting for this moment for too long. He takes his jacket off and throws it behind him, ignoring the fact it catches his cup and knocks over his coffee. All he is focussed on is me.
“May I?” he asks as he goes to lift my top.
I nod.
I let him pull my top over my head and the minute it’s off, he’s kissing me everywhere. My belly button and all the way up to my breasts. He pulls my bra to the side and his mouth closes around my nipple. My back arches. Phoenix takes this as an opportunity to put one arm underneath me and hold me closer to him as his tongue trails over my breast. I am breathless and I feel a tingling sensation so intense that I think I might explode any minute. I close my eyes and wonder if I have truly fallen into heaven. Being held like this by Phoenix is so perfect. I’m not sure if this circus is my home, this cabin, or if it’s just Phoenix. Wherever he is, I am meant to be. Home is another person and Phoenix ismyperson. Phoenix is my everything.
I cry out as he sucks on my neck. I can tell he is becoming lost in the moment, forgetting the current situation as he kisses me passionately. All he sees right now is his lost love back in his arms. I don’t blame him, but the rush it’s sending through my body brings the Renée from this world back to me. As Phoenix slowly moves his hand underneath my jeans and into my underwear, a strong forceful memory punches me in the face. I try to move past it, try to maintain my breathing and remember I am safe in this present moment with Phoenix, but as his fingers brush between my legs, I am jolted with fear.
Why is uncle Carl doing this? When are Nan and Grandad going to get home? He won’t listen to me when I ask him to stop. He shushes me and I am paralysed with a terror too strong for my young brain to comprehend.
“Stop,” I cry out, moving myself backwards and away from him. I curl into a ball and cry, my breathing erratic. I put my hands over my face and try to steady my thoughts, my breathing, otherwise I think I will puke on the floor.
“Renée,” Phoenix’s voice is so soft, so filled with pity. I can’t imagine how he feels now that the girl he loves has recoiled away from him in fear. I hope he knows it’s not because of him. I may be his long-lost love, but I’m still the tortured Renée from this world and I don’t know if that will ever go away.
“Would you like me to leave?” he asks. I can sense him standing.
“No, please stay with me, I’m sorry,” I finally manage to say. He kneels down beside me again and wraps his arm around my back.
