Page 24 of The Wonder of You
“Always,” he whispers and kisses my cheek. “And don’t apologise to me, okay? I am sorry I pushed you into something you’re not ready for.”
His hand softly rubs my hair.
“I am ready Phoenix, I want to do that with you… but, there’s stuff about me you don’t know and I can’t tell you. You might not want me if I tell you,” I sob. Everyone looked at me differently after Uncle Carl. Will Phoenix run when he learns how dirty and tainted I am? Was my story the same in my past life so he already knows? Have I always been destined for a life of pain and stolen innocence?
“We belong together, Renée. I will always want you and I will always need you. When you’re ready, I want you to tell me what happened. This weight is too heavy for you to carry alone. Give some of it to me and we can get rid of it together,” he says gently.
I can’t.
Can I?
I have never spoken about it, not really. I mentioned it to Nan very briefly before she died.
Therapy was always talking about managing my emotions for the future. My therapist never felt it was appropriate to speak about the past. I ran away from the girls who taunted me at school. I put my hands over myears when Dad would leave the room and Lydia did the same.
“I was six years old,” I sob, feeling sick just saying that young age. “He took my whole childhood. My grandparents tried to repair it, but it was always there, and it’s still there and I’m so scared. He went to prison, but I worry he will come back.”
Phoenix grips the back of my head so tightly I think it’s him holding me together, making sure I don’t break into tiny puzzle pieces.
“He won’t, he never will and I am here, I will kill the man before he even looks at you. Did you hear what I said?” His voice is so firm and controlled that I know he is telling the truth.
I nod, finding myself calming down.
“Will you be honest with me, Phoenix? How did we meet? Take me back to the night we met.” I want to know the answer because a feeling in my stomach tells me that my life - back then as much as now - has never been perfect.
Phoenix takes a deep breath.
“You came to the circus with your sister. I knew you were my soulmate the minute I met you and I think you did too. I took you to Toni’s performance just like tonight and won you a prize at Henry’s stall.”
I smile, charmed that he relived our first meeting with me again tonight.
“And then after you went home, your sister came back and approached me. It was different times back then. She wanted to know if she could sell you to me. She had it all planned out and gave me different optionsabout what to do once I gave her the money. She said she could find an herb to put in your tea to make you sleep, or I could just kidnap you in the night. She offered me rope, even told me to hit you if you fought. After your grandparents and mother died, they didn’t have much, but they did have enough to survive comfortably, she just wanted more. She tried making herself sound good, saying she would use the money to help keep your father with food in his cupboard. I have a feeling she would have kept it to herself.”
My mouth drops, but I somehow don’t feel all that surprised. She has always been selfish. There isn’t much she wouldn’t do to keep herself coming out on top.
“She never knew we had already spent the night together. She had left you that night as well to be with a man she had met. When you came back the following day, you asked if you could come with me. When you wanted to say goodbye to your family, I told you everything. We left without any goodbyes and never saw them again. I have no idea if she thought you left with me by your own choice or if I did kidnap you and just didn’t give her the money. Your family died in a fire when their kingdom fell, that was all I knew.”
I am speechless. I hate Lydia, although that’s not who Lydia is now. I finally understand why Phoenix looked at her the way he did when I passed out. To him, she’s always been the same Lydia. I wonder if society was the same as the old days, she’d try selling me now so she could have Nan and Grandad’s money? So much for family and loyalty.
Chapter 17
Phoenix continues to put his hand softly through my hair in a way I could easily become obsessed with. When I sit up, he gently helps me put my t-shirt back on and heads to the kitchen.
I watch him in silence as he makes another coffee and whips together a cheese sandwich for us both. The night is still young and Arabella, the lady he wants me to see, is still not ready for us. That’s okay though, I am happy to stay here and relax for longer. I work through my breathing, trying to calm myself from the occasional waves of anxiety. It’s a lot to take in; hearing about my previous life and memories from this life punching my mind at the wrong time. I want to move forward, but it’s not going to be that simple. Those bad memories won’t go away entirely. I’ve lived with them long enough to know that for sure.
But one thing I know is that I feel safe sitting here with Phoenix. I still feel as if I know him,really know him, and that gives me confidence for whatever is to come.
He walks over to me with a photo album.
“I thought you might like to see this.” His eyes are so soft. I wish I hadn’t scared myself with my own taunting memories when we were trying to be intimate.
He sips his coffee as I start looking through photos of myself. It nearly takes my breath away, seeing myself in a different time. It feels so familiar, but it feels so… I’m not sure. I rub my hand over a picture of me smiling atthe camera. Phoenix is there too, looking at me with a grin on his face. We look so happy. I feel like I remember this, but it’s also blurry.
“This is weird, Phoenix. It’s like… like I know this is me, I can somewhat remember it, but I also can’t. It’s like I’m looking at a picture of a long-lost twin or something.”
He doesn’t respond.
I turn the page and see another picture of us sitting at a campfire. Phoenix has his arm around me and I’m sinking into him as if it’s a cold night and Phoenix is my warmth.
