I should have just died with her.
November 27
I went to class like a robot today.
I held on until now. To the fact that maybe, something will happen. That you wouldn't want this. Mom, I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss you, I miss the way you used to hug me when I was scared, or when I was just tired. I miss your smile and your gentle hands. I don't even remember your face correctly. All I have left is your voice, your voice when you called me. I miss you so, so much. I just want to be where you are.
I don't want to fight anymore, Mom. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to live among all these other people who don't care. I feel lonely. The world could be destroyed tonight and I couldn't care less. This world is just meaningless, it keeps spinning without me and I can't keep up.
I don't want to be saved. I just want this to be done and over with. I want to go back to the past. I just want this to stop, I don't want all this pain. It's fucking painful to live, Mom. Why me? Why couldn't I be born normal? My body hurts, my lungs hurt, my head hurts. My body's failing me. Did you know this when you gave birth to me? That your baby would live with this much pain? Did you wish for a healthy baby?
My head is aching. I can barely see what I'm writing, yet I'm holding on to this pen and this notebook like I'll die if I let go. It's the middle of the night, and no one can feel lonelier than I am right now. I don't want to fight, why would I? No one cares, Mom. They live their lives without caring about people like us.
I'm scared.I'm scared of what comes next, once this is all over. Is it as peaceful as I think? If so, I'd let myself die right now... I'm just scared I won't find you once I open my eyes again. I don't want to be alone, even in death. It's so stupid. I've spent my whole life alone. I just wish someone would care, just enough. I just want someone to hug me, comfort me.
I don't want to disappear without anyone caring. I love you, Mom, I miss you. Was it painful when you left? I remember your face. Death doesn't look like death, it just looked like you went to sleep and didn't wake up. I wish you had woken up. They dressed you in white and they knew none of your favorite colors. I wanted to keep holding your hand.
I don't want some stranger to bury me. I don't want to be forgotten. I just wish everything would be alright... They'll talk and they'll make whatever they want of my death. I wish you'd do magic just once more, make me believe again. Now, I'm just all alone, both going crazy and lonely like crazy.I'm tired.
I think I understand why people die now. It's not too hard to let go, it's just harder when no one holds you back. No one is holding me back, are they? I could die tonight. I've thought about death so many times, Mom. I wonder if she's gentler with witches.
November 29
I guess this is it. I don't want any more of these nights crying alone. I'm sorry, Mom. I tried, I really tried, but I just don't want to stay here and wait for death. The pain is just too much and meds won't help. It's okay. I'll be fine once the pain stops. There's no saving me, anyway. I'm just taking a head start, handing back the time I had left.
If I'm reborn, I wish I was a cat. I could lie in the sun and have people love me, hug me. Is it a strange thought? I want to believe there's another life waiting for me. I want another chance. One where I won't have a painful and lonely life. I just can't take being alone again.
It's alright, Mom. I'll just close my eyes and it will be as easy as going to sleep. I won't suffer again. I'll be fine.
I'm sorry, Mom. I just miss you too much and there’s no one here for me. I'd rather go to the other side. If there's just the slightest chance I can find you, I'll come to you. I want to see your smile again. See you, Mom.
January 17
Mom, we're getting there.
She's with me. Mara appeared and she saved me. Do you know what she said? “If you don't want your life anymore, give it to me.” I didn't die, Mom, I'll just survive a little longer. Mara's just like me. She's so much like me! She missed her mom so much too, and she stayed behind. She waited for an opportunity, for someone like me to help her. I can feel her all the time now. She's with me and when I need her, she helps me.
Together, we're stronger. We'll find the answers, we'll do what we can. I just want to help her, like she helped me. We will survive together. I know we can do this. I'm fighting, Mom, I'm fighting so hard, you'd be proud of me.
I'm learning witchcraft, I'm doing my best. I'm not a witch, but I'm your daughter. Mara's showing me all I can do, I never knew I could do so much! I'm feeling so much better now, Mom. I just want to hold on until we can finish this. I have a purpose, I want to help Mara before I go. I feel like I found my other half, Mom.
I don't know what she really is and sometimes, she even scares me a little. But she's my friend. She's with me when I need her and she shows me the way.
January 22
Mom, tonight I did real magic for the first time!
I cried, I was so happy it worked. Mara warned me it's dangerous, but that's okay, I can do this. It's not even real magic, just a little witch spell. Don't worry, I remember what you taught me. I'll be a good witch, no matter how weak I get.
Mara is doing her best to get stronger too. We are just trying to find a way. We'll be together and everything will be just great, Mom. I'll be fine. I know I will be fine.
January 29
I didn't want to write today, but... Things aren't going the way we wanted. I really want to believe we can make it, but... we're running out of time. My body is aching so much again, Mom. It's painful. I want to keep living. Mom, I want to survive. I don't want to die!
February 3
Mom, I wish you could help us. Mara is worried I'll die before we can find a way. I'm scared too. I really don't want to die yet, Mom, I'm so scared now. I can't believe I wanted to die.
