Now I really have something I want to do. I want to be a real witch just like you, I want Mara's powers. Why is it so unfair? Why couldn't she simply be reborn? I'm trying things I didn't want to try, Mom, but I'm just terrified. Please forgive me. I just don't want to die. I don't want to die. Mom, help me, please. If you're watching over me, I hope you'll help me, we'll find a way. I just want to survive. I don't want to die. I promise I'll endure the pain, I just want to live a little longer.
February 6
Were you scared to die, Mom? I'm so scared. I don't want to give up on Mara. I wish our dream would come true, but it doesn't seem that way. I don't know how much longer I have left. It's getting harder to hide from my roommate. The only moment I feel fine is when I'm submerged in water... I've been spending all my time in the bathtub or the pool these days. The pain subsides a little when I'm in water, but... it kills Mara.
I don't want to kill her. Does it have to be her or me? I thought we could do it. I really thought it could work...
Why couldn't we have been born with the same sign? If she had been a Water Witch, it would have been so much simpler... My body can't take fire, her soul can't take water. We're like polar opposites, yet desperate to live together. She's my only friend, Mom, the only one I ever made. I don't want to give up on Mara. She's saved me so many times and there's so much she didn't get to do too. It's so unfair.
February 13
If anyone finds this journal... Please save Mara.
She didn't deserve what happened to her mother. She just needs someone to be with her. This is so unfair. She doesn't know her story. She didn't get to meet her mom, to live her life. Why? Why did people do this to her? She doesn't deserve to be haunted like this. She just wanted to live.
I probably won't be able to help her. I'm just so sorry. I wish I had done one good thing, in this short life of mine. What an idiot I’ve been. I wish I had found her earlier. I wish I hadn’t written all those things, wish I hadn’t done all of this. Why is it that we can't meet halfway? Why does one of us have to go? I don't want to die, but I don't want to lose Mara. I just can't. I wish we had found the solution.
Hopefully we find one before it's too late.
"Are you alright?"
I lift my eyes up from the journal to meet Liam's worried expression and realize I'm crying. I take a big breath, push a few strands of my hair away from my face, and nod.
"Yeah... Yeah, I just... reached the end of it. It wasn't a happy one..."
"...Can I?" he asks gently.
I nod, erase the glyphs, and hand him the journal. Liam grabs it and leans against his bike next to me, getting absorbed in it while I sniffle and try to calm down. We just left the pool and stayed in the parking lot; I couldn't wait any longer to read the journal. Shit, I didn't expect that... I barely got to the end of it. I look down at Spark purring against my ankle and I reach down to grab my cat, suddenly feeling the urge to hug him.
He seems all happy in my arms... Is he the manifestation of Clarissa's wish in some way? At least, this journal gives me the beginning of an answer to many, many things. Clarissa's train of thought was much more tragic than I’d imagined. How many times did she actually... consider killing herself but kept going? I can't fathom how much pain she must have been in. Some of her sentences were hard to read because her handwriting was so shaky, or blurred by the tears that spilled on it. You could feel her emotions engraved in the worn-out pages more deeply than on her actual words sometimes. I truly felt like for a few minutes, I was Clarissa, I was taking her spot, and experiencing a glimpse of her life.
I wished she had turned to Amy or Kelsi earlier.
Maybe it's easy for me to say but I have a feeling all she really needed was the support of at least one family member or a friend. I consider myself to trust people too easily and I've been mistaken sometimes, but... Clarissa probably needed this more than I do. I let out a long sigh and put my head on Liam's shoulder, feeling strangely tired after all this. I can't tell if it's from using my magic earlier or going through Clarissa's life but I suddenly feel like I'm exhausted. I'm glad Liam is with me, I don't know how much worse I would have felt if I had to read this alone.
"Wow," he says after he's done reading it. "That's... depressing."
"Yeah, I noticed that too. At least we learned a lot, though."
He nods.
"Do you think Clarissa is... I mean, you're obviously alive and well but..."
"I know what you mean. I think she... I think Clarissa did die in that fire. Whatever she was trying to do with... Mara, it didn't work or she didn't have the time to. Something happened in that hangar. The last entry to that journal was merely a few days before my accident, it's not a coincidence. Clarissa was running out of time. Either she tried something very dangerous and things went wrong or she was triggered to do that."
"You think she didn't intend that fire?"
"You read her journal, Liam. Clarissa didn't want to die. I don't think she would have lit that fire unless she had a very good reason to do so, or no choice. Actually... she probably wasn't even the one who did it. I think... I think Mara took over and while Clarissa did die, that Mara is still there."
"Wait, what do you mean, Mara is still there?" he frowns, turning to me. "...Is she the crazy voice?"
I hesitate. Is she?
No, I don't think so. The Mara I saw in that mirror and the way she spoke to me, it was different from the voices. She didn't have that strange, evil feeling in her. I mean, seeing a reflection other than mine in that mirror was creepy, for sure, but I didn't feel any evil from it, unlike that disturbing feeling when I get the voices.
I step away from the bike, still holding Spark, and glance at a little puddle a couple of steps away from us. Will I see the other Mara if I look at my reflection once more?
"No, she isn't. It's different from the voices I get. To be honest, I still don't really trust Mara, but... I don't think she has any ill intent."
