My health is strangely stable since I came to Silver City, which I'm really grateful for. I hope I can hold on for a while longer. I couldn't find anything about my mom, but the classes about paranormal manifestations are amazing and I feel more connected to her each time I learn more about witches overall. I just wish I can finish the year.
October 18
Professor Vutha helped me get some new books, they’re fascinating. I couldn't stop reading, I almost forgot about this journal. I've been devouring each volume and spending nights reading them, learning witchcraft symbols, magic circles, names of demons, all the history of witches. I may not have any magic, but I'll be the most knowledgeable human about witches for miles around at this rate.
October 23
I think I might run out of time sooner than I planned. I coughed up a lot of blood last night. I'm glad Kelsi was out because it took forever to clean.
October 25
I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so sick this time. I almost called Amy, I don't know what to do. My lungs are literally killing me. I'm scared I'm going to die alone and someone will find me like this, in my bedroom. I don't want to die alone. I'm scared. I'm really scared.
October 26
I decided to write my will. I'm not sure what I own, but I want my sister to have it all. I wish we had been closer.
November 1
I don't know why I felt better this morning. Way better. Last night, I could have sworn I was going to die and I was going crazy but now it’s stopped.
I almost did the unthinkable to stop suffering. The pain was just too much. My lungs were on fire, my head was spinning, I could barely walk. I was cold, so cold no one would believe it. I couldn't feel my body and yet, I'm sure I had a crazy fever, because I was sweating like a pig. I barely remember what really happened. I went to the bathroom on all fours, threw up everything I had, and sat down in the bathtub. I remember I began filling it, thinking I'd rather die fast than in pain.
I must have passed out, but I have no idea what happened after that. When I woke up, I was still in the bathtub and it was full, but it had stopped before overflowing. I didn't even take the razor blade, so when did I think about stopping the tap? Maybe I hallucinated more than I thought...
November 5
There's definitely something weird going on. The pain is back, but now I'm hallucinating too. I thought it might be the meds, but nothing was changed and if anything, I've been taking less of them. So what the hell is wrong with me?
November 6
I heard it again. That voice in my head. I don't know what's going on. Am I going crazy?
November 9
I keep thinking about those circles I was drawing the other night. Could it be possible that I did something wrong with it? Or actually did some magic? Despite everything I know, I didn’t think I could actually do this if it wasn't for the fact that I do have that voice in my head. It just comes and goes. I feel like I'm not alone. It's warm and not really scary. Just strange. Really strange.
November 16
I haven't heard that voice in a while and the pain is back. Is it strange to say I miss her? I don't know what I had done to get that voice in my head, but at least while she was there, I was feeling less pain.
I'm sure something happened last time while I was drawing those circles. I need to ask Professor Vutha and try again. I feel like this might change everything.
November 20
I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Nothing happens anymore and I'm dying.I'm really dying.
November 25
I don't want to suffer like this anymore.
Mom, I'm so sorry. I know you told me to be strong, but I don't want to be sick. I'm tired of being sick, of being in pain. It hurts. It just hurts so much. No one cares about me dying. I'm just tired.
November 26
I keep writing in this journal as if someone's going to care. As if my life ever mattered. Who will read this? Who will ever care about Clarissa, the freak? I don't want this pain. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don't have anywhere to go, anyone who cares. I'm alone.
I've been alone since Mom died.
