Page 25 of The Lies That Shatter
In comparison, she’s a much better catch. But I’ve always thought—hoped—that Finn doesn’t give a shit about all that materialistic crap.
“I saw the expression on your face when I did it. I tried not to look at you, but I could feel how much I hurt you.”
I wish we were having this conversation face to face instead of in a moving car, then I could show him how I feel. Instead, I try to put all my emotions into my words. “Finn, I can’t say thatseeing you with her doesn’t hurt, because of course it does, but not in the way you’re thinking.”
He casts a glance my way, his beautiful blue eyes narrowing before he flicks his gaze back to the road. “What do you mean?”
“Pull over,” I say, pointing to the lay-by approaching up ahead.
Mel lives on the edge of the city, and it hasn’t taken us long to reach the countryside. There’s a few bendy, country back roads that lead to the small town where both me and Finn have flats. We can’t afford to live in the same neighbourhood as the Whitlock’s. At this time of night, we’ve barely passed any other cars, but it’s still safer for us to pull off the road so we can have this chat.
Finn doesn’t hesitate to listen to my instructions, pulling the car off into the lay-by when we reach it. He drives the car around the back of the large trees that separate the lay-by from the main road, effectively blocking us from view. Once he turns the engine off and the headlights dim, the only light illuminating the car comes from the full moon that sits directly above us, looking much larger than it usually does.
As soon as the engine is off, I unclip my seatbelt, so I can turn in my chair to face him properly, bending my leg so I can tuck it under my ass to make the position a bit more comfortable. He unclips his seatbelt too and turns to face me. Without thinking, I reach over and take his hand in mine. The feel of his warm skin sends shivers through my body, and the urge to touch him more grows.
He looks down at our connected hands, not quite believing what he’s seeing. “Finn… I know what you’re doing with Mel is just a job.”
“Doesn’t mean you’re happy about it,” he grumbles, cutting me off before I can finish the rest of my explanation. I squeeze his hand to chastise him.
“Let me finish. Of course, I’m not happy seeing you with her. I’m not going to sit here and say that watching you kiss her didn’t feel like I was being stabbed in the heart, but I’m still adult enough to know it’s not real. The sooner we get this assignment over and done with, the quicker you can stop touching that hateful bitch, and I’ll be much happier.”
He chuckles, and my stomach flips at hearing that sound. When Finn uses one of his real smiles, the one he seems to reserve just for me, it brightens up his face in a way that makes him appear even more beautiful—if that’s even possible.
Sadly, the smile drops all too quickly, and his morose expression returns. “This is exactly why I never wanted you anywhere near me while I’m doing this type of work. Having you know what I do for a living is hard enough, but actually having to witness it is even worse. I know… I know we’re not together or anything, but I feel like I’m cheating on you right in front of you. It kills me.”
The last few words are spoken with such pain, I can see the emotion shining through his eyes. My heart races as I think about what he’s saying… I guess I never thought about how hard this must be for him.
“You’re not cheating on me, Finn.” The words slip out easily, but for a moment I consider if I really do believe them or I’m just saying it because it’s what Finn needs to hear.
We’re not in a relationship. We’ve never been on a date. We had one night when things almost happened, but that’s all. Despite all that, we both have strong feelings we can’t ignore, and that’s the problem. We’re doing this whole thing in a half-ass backwards way.
I mean, most people go on a few dates, get to know each other, have sex, and then they start to develop feelings. Whereas for us, because we’ve been friends for so long, the feelings are already there. We have no idea if we’ll work as a couple, or whatthe sex would be like because we’ve skipped those steps and jumped straight into the emotions.
At some point, we will have to go back to the beginning. Forget about the friendship we had, and the feelings we think we have now, and start over from scratch. It’s the only way to know that we’re really supposed to be together. Maybe it’s what we need to do to put all of this behind us, to build a solid foundation for the future.
Finn lets out a deep sigh. “I know I’m notofficiallycheating, but it feels that way. It’s why I pushed you away all those years ago. I never wanted to hurt you with all this. I never wanted you to see this version of me. And more than that, I knew how fucking difficult it would be for me to do my job when all I think about is you.”
I can’t help the gasp that escapes when I hear the passion in his voice. The day he left, taking away the only family I had, was the worst day of my life.
“I never came here to make your job harder,” I mutter, not quite sure what else to say.
“Then why did you come here?” There’s a harshness to Finn’s voice that I hate hearing. I can tell he’s trying to harden himself again after showing so much of his emotions.
“For you. I want to help.”
He shakes his head, his jaw setting into a firm line as the Finn I know slowly disappears and he puts his mask back on. “I didn’t ask for your help. How the hell did you even know what I was doing? This isn’t a game, Mac. These are dangerous fucking people. You could get seriously hurt.”
I know deep down this is just Finn’s way of protecting me—even if he’s being an absolute dick at the same time. “I’m well aware this isn’t a game, you prick. Don’t talk to me like that. I’m sick of you making all the decisions for the both of us, leaving me feeling useless. I can help. Your dad told me this is going tobe your last job, and so I spoke to Evan about how I could assist. He told me about the nursing job, and asked if I wanted to go undercover with you.”
A red flush spreads across his cheeks as his eyes widen in shock. “My fucking brother did this?! I expect this kind of shit from my dad, but not from Evan…”
His words trail off, but his anger remains. The hand that’s not laced with mine balls up into a fist, and his whole posture becomes rigid.
“If it makes you feel any better, Evan didn’t want me to get involved. It was your dad’s idea, and he tried to talk me out of it. But I’d already made up my mind when I went to talk to them. I have spent far too many years trying to get over you, knowing full well that I can’t,” I explain.
Reaching up, I place my hand over his cheek before running the pad of my thumb along the underside of his lower lip. He leans into my touch, softening ever so slightly. His eyes close and his words sound almost pained.
“They shouldn’t have brought you into my mess. It’s dangerous, and I’m struggling to do my job properly because you’re all I can think about. When I found out you were in contact with Mortimer today, my heart sank into my stomach. I was fucking terrified that he would hurt you and I wouldn’t be able to save you. It’s bad enough that I’m hurting you by being with Mel, but putting you in actual harm’s way is not okay with me. I can’t lose you.”
