I thought the hidden moments between us meant something. I thought his softness was a sign of how much he truly loved me.
I believed him… right up until he publicly humiliated me and broke contact completely, acting like I didn’t even exist.
He never spoke to me after he tore my heart out of my chest.
He graduated not long after that and left me alone, bloodied, a broken patchwork of the vibrant girl I had been before. I finished the last year of high school feeling totally alone and abandoned.
Fuck, it was awful. I feel sorry for the girl I was then, even though I know I’m stronger now. I know how to make peace with the past and gracefully move on.
At least, I thought I did. These memories and scenes of my past life are making it hard to feel fine right now, and I desperately search for something else to distract me.
We’re coming up on a riverwalk. The road curves gently over it, but I’m not looking at the road. I’m thinking about the underpass, our spot, the place Aiden and I would escape to.
He made the rest of the world disappear under that bridge, one hand on my back, the other heavy and warm against my neck.
No place is safe from the memories, apparently. I squeeze my eyes shut and wait until I see red spots.
When I open my eyes, we’re far away. The city is closing in, little shops and restaurants lining the street. I let my head fall against the window, miserable, wishing I’d just pretended to sleep the whole drive.
I can tell where we are by the bookstore on the corner. The driver slows, the light yellow ahead of us. I bite my lip and think of where we are and what’s ahead.
It’s been almost an entire day, and I haven’t eaten. All the stress hasn’t helped, and honestly, I know just what would help distract me from the reality of the place I’ve come back to.
“Pull over at the next stop sign, please. I need to pick up some food, if that’s okay.”
The driver taps the steering wheel with the palm of his hand. Maybe he’s considering it.
I know how to handle this. “I’ll tip you an extra twenty for the time. It won’t be long.”
“All right,” the guy says. He turns the volume on the radio up.
Cousins Sandwich sits on the corner of the street. We pull up to it, and I nearly cry when I climb out of the car and smell the scent of garlic and deli meat issuing from the propped-open front door.
It’s a chain, but a local one. They make the best club sandwiches, and they don’t skimp on the sides. I spent countless nights in middle school laughing and talking with my friends while eating their macaroni salad.
This is one of the good things about being back. As I duck inside, the smell of onions on a grill stings my nose, rich and sharp. The girl at the register is probably in high school. She’s young, with a smile that says the world is hers.
I order from memory, quickly, then step away from the counter and wait by the deli display.
“Wow. Rose?”
The immediate dread I feel stings worse than the smoke in the air. I turn, praying it isn’t anyone I know.
But of course, no such luck.
Fortunately, this is a familiar face I don’t mind seeing.
“Noah,” I say, surprised. I remember him from high school. He wasn’t one of the bullies who made it a personal goal to make my life miserable.
He was actually kind of nerdy, but he was always nice. He looks the same, but the details are different—he’s thinner than he was then, his haircut better. He has curly blonde hair and kind hazel eyes.
“Wow. It is you,” Noah says, laughing. “I wasn’t sure for a second. It’s been so long.”
“Yeah. It’s been a while.” I nod, unable to think of anything else to say. I feel like an alien. How do people even talk anymore? “You’re still around, or…?”
“Yeah, for now,” he says. He shrugs easily, like his shoulders are free of weight. He has an airiness to him, as if he doesn’t have baggage.
I’m not sure I know what the fuck that would be like, but I assume it’s nice.
